I should not have to 'help out' with my dad's wife in later life.

[bovrilormarmite]

My dad is in his early 80s and has just made it clear that he expects me to 'help support' his wife if he dies first. For context, she is late 70s and fit and healthy but refuses to do anything or understand anything practical - travel, drive, make appointments, understand basic finances, how things work. They live very rurally in a massive house with no public transport. We live about 5 hours away and I work full time. I tolerate her and am civil to her for the sake of my dad, but that's it, as there is a lot of history (she split up my parents' marriage when I was late 20s and caused a huge amount of pain to our family). She has 2 sons in their 50s who are perfectly capable but one lives in Dubai and 'won't be able to help as he has work commitments' and the other is only a couple of hours away but 'not as good at that stuff'. I told my dad her sons will have no choice but to help if needed as I won't be doing it. He looked shocked. I am fairly sure I am not being unreasonable but not sure how to communicate this to him, as he clearly things I am.

And anyway, surely the sons arent so daft that they think a woman who has no
meaningful connection to their mother should be expected to look after her. They'll have to step up. I dont know why you dont just contact the son and say something like ' hello john, a problem has arisen recently that i want to make you aware of. my father has asked me to look after your mother when he dies. I'm contacting you to let you know that I wont be in a position to do that. I wanted to let you know in good time so that you can make appropriate preparation for the future'. Or something similar.

This woman is no relation of yours! I would chivvy your dad along and let him think what he choses to think but gradually drop the rope and drop it entirely when he is no longer there.

Its amazing isn't it how men are "not good at that sort of thing" and get off with murder. I once got myself over involved with a neighbour and was soon drafted into being her PA although she had a son living with her. Somehow he was unable to do shopping, make phone calls, write letters or visit post offices. Since then I have kept my distance from neighbours and avoided answering the door to them. If people cant contact you then can go and whinge somewhere else.

If he brings it up again, just reply "sure thing, no worries Dad", then after he's dead let her fend for herself. She isn't your problem.

Honestly, I think many sons absolutely would be daft enough to think a woman with no meaningful connection to their mother should be expected to look after her because she's you know, a woman.

It would be very reasonable for you to say that you will do what you can but that you expect it would be far less support than her sons would be giving her and leave it at that

bloody sexist cheek

Yes I agree with all the posters who have said don't have an acrimonious row about it now. Make the right noises and then drop the rope entirely when dad is no longer here to be worried and distressed about his widow. If inheritance is not an issue (OP has made that clear) then you have nothing to lose. As a rich widow she will be able to afford the care she needs. Or maybe the son who is "not good" at care will come running when there is money to leverage. Or am I being a bit cynical here?

You said SHE split up your parents marriage

I think she will be perfectly well off. I don’t know her sons well. I only met them a couple of times and they seemed pleasant enough but I have no idea what they might be thinking about the future. I have no inclination to be in contact directly with either of them. One never married and the other is divorced with grown up kids as far as I know.

Yes and I specifically acknowledged that I should not have written it like that. It was poorly written by me.

Quite possibly, but we don't know what these ones are thinking. Possibly they just haven't thought about it at all.

I’m with you op.

Oh, that would be a hard no from me.

Why is it terrible fathers who try on this sort of crap? Expecting you to look after the woman who broke up your family? No effing way.

YANBU.

She didn’t split up your family, your father did. But you don’t owe her anything. It’s her sons’ job to look after her in older life. Make that clear to your father, tell him to get his wife to prepare properly and say no more about it.

Yes. This.

Oh please get a grip

No one in their right mind is going to do a ten hour round trip to give a helping hand now and then

Attention seeking at its finest!

Surely if you live 5 hours away then you'll never see her again when dad dies ?

@bovrilormarmite

I agree with PPs who've said to 'leave it'.

You've made your feelings clear to your dad, if he choses not to believe you that's on him. If he raises the issue again I'd just say "Dad, we've already discussed this, let it drop".

As far as her sons go, I wouldn't say a word to them. If they're given the impression by your dad or their mum that you will be her 'caretaker', that's not your problem. When the time comes if you have to say to her or to them "I made it clear to Dad 'x' years ago that I would not be taking on that role" so be it.

This is purely about inheritance.
Personally I'd let her think that everything will stay in the family, and give it to your favourite local charity.
You always sound like such a nice woman.

She can sell the house and pay for help.

Her father broke up the family

Absolutely not unreasonable but I wouldn't argue or discus it with your DDad now. I would just make soothing noises or say 'but you are going to live forever Dad', whatever is most appropriate for your relationship.

Then if the situation arises that she is alone and asks you to do something, you politely decline, you are busy, away, can't help with that, and suggest she asks her sons for help instead.

How can she expect lifts from you if you live 5 hours away

Agreed. It sounds like you've made it pretty clear already OP. Is it possible he did actually take it on board?

You don’t need to communicate it to him, it will just cause disharmony in your relationship with him. Let him think what he wants to think but you certainly don’t owe the woman a thing.