I should not have to 'help out' with my dad's wife in later life.

[bovrilormarmite]

My dad is in his early 80s and has just made it clear that he expects me to 'help support' his wife if he dies first. For context, she is late 70s and fit and healthy but refuses to do anything or understand anything practical - travel, drive, make appointments, understand basic finances, how things work. They live very rurally in a massive house with no public transport. We live about 5 hours away and I work full time. I tolerate her and am civil to her for the sake of my dad, but that's it, as there is a lot of history (she split up my parents' marriage when I was late 20s and caused a huge amount of pain to our family). She has 2 sons in their 50s who are perfectly capable but one lives in Dubai and 'won't be able to help as he has work commitments' and the other is only a couple of hours away but 'not as good at that stuff'. I told my dad her sons will have no choice but to help if needed as I won't be doing it. He looked shocked. I am fairly sure I am not being unreasonable but not sure how to communicate this to him, as he clearly things I am.

This.

Whether or not you care about the inheritance, he is an old man so best to just keep the peace. If you break your word when he is dead, you are now quits because he betrayed you/your mother before and you are just returning the favour.

Karma is sweet. And not a feather ruffled.

Totally agree!
This is my new favourite saying...'weaponised incompetence'. A disease that is highly contagious among so very many men. They can dismantle a car but can't work the washing machine/dishwasher mentality...drives me mad !!!! Maybe I have been surrounded by too many of these types, I know they're not all the same ....but it does seem to lean that way more often.

This

@bovrilormarmite She can hire what she needs. Including taxis

You do not need to be responsible for her and he has no right to expect you to

Step-parents usually have the relationship they deserve with their step-children. You owe yours nothing from the sound of it. You've said all you need to say, don't fall out with your dad over it. When the time comes just don't help her.

I so agree @nomas but likelihood is, it will all go to the wife, and she'll leave it to her sons anyway

Your father expects you to do it because you’re a woman and he considers that your role. I’d say nothing more about it to him now If she does survive him, make it very clear to her then that you won’t be helping out .

She is not your problem OP.

Your father was "entitled" (though we could all still form our own judgements on the reasonableness of what you have described) to fill his life with the people he chooses.

He doesn't get to choose who your people are.

Yes, relatives can a bit of an obligation of sorts for the gentle of heart, but she is NOT your relative.

Let's just collectively hope he outlives her.

He will have forgotten. People forget because society pressures everyone, even those hurt by it, to forget because it tends to be more convenient for those who are not cruelly affected. There are already such comments on this thread.

I do actually think there may be the beginnings of a pendulum swing against the ease with which people "move on" and expect everyone to do the same as the generations of children most affected by these attitudes are navigating adulthood.

I'd be inclined not to fast-track that position back to the wife (via her son) while the Will is still able to be altered! She'll probably kick up a right fuss!

Even if you don't care about an inheritance OP, don't let his final years be peppered with negativity about you. You've been honest to him. Let it lie now.