AIBU to refuse adding my half sisters to Mum's birthday gift from me?

[DanceLikeBridgerton]

My mum is 70 in December. I have 2 younger half sisters who are my mums daughters, not with my father. We get on ok but aren’t that close.

A few weeks ago we were all talking about ideas for mums birthday gifts and they asked what I was getting. I said I’d already bought an item of jewellery which they asked to see so I showed it to them online. It’s quite expensive and something my mum always says she likes but would never treat herself to. They said it’s expensive and I said she’s only 70 once and that my kids would be contributing a little towards it. They showed me some things they were thinking of getting mum which I agreed she would really like.

Today, one of my half sisters have asked my son how much he is contributing to the gift. He told them he wasn’t sure exactly but around £200. He said they asked in a casual way so thought nothing of answering. My half sisters have now said they would also like to give me £200 each so that the gift can be from them as well. I’ve said no, I’d rather get it from just me, my husband and our children and they should get something else like they planned. It’s quite expensive and something my mum first seen when she was with me and although I’m happy for my children to contribute a small amount of the total due to them being my children, I’m not happy for my half sisters to only contribute a small amount to an expensive gift and then say it’s from us all. They think I’m being unfair.

My mum is the type of person who will love anything any of us buy her. I’ve bought her things for a few pounds in the past that she treasures so she would not let this gift overshadow anything at all that her other children get her.

What do you think? AIBU?

Is their perhaps a matching item they could get ?

The gift is from your family, so keep it like that. Your SS can each buy something from their families.

To be honest l can see where OP is coming from and l don’t think there’s anything virtue signalling about it. She chose this gift because of the special thought and significance she knows it will convey to her mum. If her sisters wanted to get a shared gift with OP the time for that would have been before buying it, not after. There should have been discussion about the cost and how to split it. I think there’s something really underhand about questioning OP’s son as to his contribution as part of OP’s immediate family, and then expecting to make the same small contribution and be credited with having shared the cost. It’s exactly how it looks. Cheap and lazy.

Why is she calling her half-sisters her half-sisters?

Yeah, that one's a real brain teaser.

Feck that!

They're opting for the easiest route for them and don't see to want to make any effort at all.

They need to get off their arse and sort their own gifts.

That really isn't any of our business - and it isn't relevant to the OP's point. Her concern is that her half-sisters want to piggyback on her gift for a fraction of what she's paying.

Why are you assuming OP's kids are impoverished students? My grandmother had three grandchildren in their 40s by the time she died!

Well quite, it's not a dirty word. It's an accurate term. Some people refer to their half siblings as siblings and some as half siblings. Neither is incorrect. (I have a colleague who just refers to her paternal half siblings as "my dad's other children"; that would really horrify some posters.) It's not like you are ringing a bell and saying guess what my mum has shagged at least two blokes in her life, why would anyone care.

Would you mind if your mum ends up leaving the jewellery to one of your half sisters in her will? It would be a shame if this lovely but expensive gift causes a further rift down the line.

Thanks for the offer to share costs but me and my kids have already sorted mum's gift and don't need any more contributions.

It’s lazy and cheeky of them. I think you were right to decline. Or ask them for a much more substantial contribution, like the total cost split 3 ways - between each of the daughters (and their families)

Really cheeky of them. Your mum gets the lovely jewellery regardless, so it's like they're effectively saying we can't be bothered to pick mum another gift so she can make do with just this one. And on top of that their suggested contribution is cheap.

"Gatekeeping"? She's just buying her mother a gift - as billions do worldwide! Since when has it been compulsory to share gifting with every other relative, regardless of how little they contribute?

You're absolutely entitled to keep this gift as just from your family. They are cheeky for asking and even more unreasonable for thinking it's 'unfair'. Are they children?! I am sure they could get a lovely gift eg hamper with their contributions! I also don't know why you are being judged for labelling them your half sisters. That is literally what they are and all families will use different terminology. Bizarre.

Exactly. It was just a nice gift from OP and her children. Her half-sisters have just tried to jump on the bandwagon.

They will be able to buy their mum something lovely for £400 between them. The just need to decide what they are going to buy her-sounds like they have already had some ideas which the mum will like.

Do you go around asking your extended family if they want to contribute every time you buy another family member a gift? Or do you just buy it?

I’m positive she will love it. 😊

They’re my half sisters so that’s what I call them. I was 14 when the first one was born and spent more time at my dad’s house after that as she didn’t sleep well and therefore I wasn’t sleeping well for school. I was 15 when the second was born and the house was chaos for years so although I stayed close to my mum, I lived with my dad most of the time. Then I went to university at 18 so I’ve never really lived with them.

I wouldn’t call them that but my issue is that they’re not taking no for an answer. They’re saying I’m being unfair and are continuing to moan about it. They’re saying don’t see the difference between me being ok with my children contributing a smaller amount to them contributing a smaller amount.

But not everyone lives with their mum. After my half siblings were born I spent more time at my dads house.

Is your mum still married to your half-sisters' father? If so, could your half-siblings make a contribution to the present that he is buying your mum instead of harassing you?

Oh no definitely not
They are being very crafty let alone lazy, they think you are a pushover to belive them being thoughtful.
As others have said tell them to buy their own personal gift.

You don't have to justify yourself OP. Some people make up rules for how families should look/work and then get annoyed when other people's lives don't fit into those neat little boxes.

I think this says more about you than me that you think it’s about ego. Why would it be more special if it came from them as well, instead of them spending time looking for, buying and wrapping something for her themselves? That would be far more special for her to know they thought of her themselves and put effort in.

This isn’t a need, it’s a want, as birthdays should be. Birthdays being about ‘needs’ and being ‘sensible’, no thank you. My mum has had times when her life had to be about needs and being sensible but I’m allowed to get her something lovely for a big birthday.

They are not poor and could afford more. They obviously don’t want to spend more which is absolutely fine. My mum won’t care if they just buy her a box her a box chocolates.

This is something my mum saw when she was with me and that I want to give her from me, my husband and children.

Maybe when one person spends thousands on a gift for their mother?

I was lucky enough to be able to spend hundreds more on a gift for our mum than my sister could. But because I was sensitive to the disparity and the potential awkwardness I always kept the gifts more modest.

Not saying that is the case with OP's sisters - maybe they can afford thousands too but don't want to.