AIBU to refuse adding my half sisters to Mum's birthday gift from me?

[DanceLikeBridgerton]

My mum is 70 in December. I have 2 younger half sisters who are my mums daughters, not with my father. We get on ok but aren’t that close.

A few weeks ago we were all talking about ideas for mums birthday gifts and they asked what I was getting. I said I’d already bought an item of jewellery which they asked to see so I showed it to them online. It’s quite expensive and something my mum always says she likes but would never treat herself to. They said it’s expensive and I said she’s only 70 once and that my kids would be contributing a little towards it. They showed me some things they were thinking of getting mum which I agreed she would really like.

Today, one of my half sisters have asked my son how much he is contributing to the gift. He told them he wasn’t sure exactly but around £200. He said they asked in a casual way so thought nothing of answering. My half sisters have now said they would also like to give me £200 each so that the gift can be from them as well. I’ve said no, I’d rather get it from just me, my husband and our children and they should get something else like they planned. It’s quite expensive and something my mum first seen when she was with me and although I’m happy for my children to contribute a small amount of the total due to them being my children, I’m not happy for my half sisters to only contribute a small amount to an expensive gift and then say it’s from us all. They think I’m being unfair.

My mum is the type of person who will love anything any of us buy her. I’ve bought her things for a few pounds in the past that she treasures so she would not let this gift overshadow anything at all that her other children get her.

What do you think? AIBU?

I think it will be lovely for your mum to have your gift from you and your children and another completely separate gift from your half sisters.
It's wonderful that you are all thinking of such lovely presents and I'm sure your mum will be delighted and very touched by everybody's thoughtfulness.
I don't think it's right of your half sisters to want to jump onto your more expensive present. It just wouldn't be the same from all of you. Fine for your children to contribute a small amount ...I've done the same for my DD when buying my own mothers ( far less expensive) gifts but I wouldn't like others tagging on.
In you situation (I know it's crass) if I allowed them to tag on, I wouldn't be able to help my self from telling mum...dear sisters contributed £200 each 😂
No it's much better for them to give their own lovely, carefully chosen gift that your mum will also delight in and keep forever. You all seem very caring daughters. She will have more lovely gifts to open and she will have an amazing day 💐

I’d rather have something personal (and inexpensive if they are skint) chosen by each child rather than one of them being made to feel they have to choose/pay for a present their lazy siblings have piggybacked into!

I’d rather child one child had given me the lovely tennis bracelet they had spent ages choosing because they thought I would love it. I’d rather the others chose me something they had also spent time and thought over-a pair of earrings, a lunch out, a day at the woods together, a new book the thought I’d like, a new handbag etc

Pressurising the sibling who’s done all their thinking and paying already is not how I’d hope my children would treat each other.

It's obvious that OP doesn't have a typical sibling relationship with her half-sisters. They aren't close so OP wouldn't have considered making this a joint gift.

I'm not sure why you think that this is unfair to OP's mum. OP has bought her a very generous gift that her mum has previously mentioned she would like and her half-siblings have suggested gifts that OP knows and said that her mum would really like. If OP's siblings buy her a joint gift that cost £400, OP's mum will receive two generous gifts from her children. She will be equally grateful for both gifts and won't judge based on the value of the gifts.

OP doesn't want to get some of her money back. She wants to give her mum a thoughtful gift from herself and her children.

They have realised you bought an expensive gift and dont want yours to be more expensive than anything they buy. Hence wanted to join your gift so they are equally appreciated for it. I would treat your son as an extension of you so his contribution is part of yours. They are equating your child’s contribution with what they think they can justify contributing but they are not your children! I would stick to your point that you have bought it to come from you and your children/husband as a personally selected gift and you are sure that anything they choose will be well appreciated. Cheeky of them!

Ps, watch out for them having already told your mum (or let her believe) the gift is also from them. You mentioned you had shown it to your mum already so she may have talked to them about it.

Next time anything like this comes up, I wouldn’t mention your kids contributing, that’s nothing to do with your sisters.

Your sisters seem to see themselves on a par with your son, as someone who needs to be subsidised by you!

Sorry, correction, you didn’t show it to your mum, just your half sisters!

I would say 'of course, it cost £3k (or whatever it was) so if you both want to send me me £1k I'll pop your name on the card and leave you to ask your kids to contribute to your share if they want to'

Thank you - I actually missed that.

Still, I think it depends what they are doing. Are they massively falling out with OP about it, causing a big issue? Or did they just say "well we think you are being unfair, but there you go".

I am still not sure why they deserve quite the degree of hate they are getting. People seem to get very riled up on the internet.

For example, I don't mind swearing at all, but I would reserve the judgement "cunt" for someone who did something a bit worse than suggesting making a contribution to a gift rather than sourcing their own.... Obviously people have the right to feel more strongly than I would.....

OP, could you provide more details about how your half sisters have reacted, and what they are doing/saying now? Have they accepted your decision, or are they still causing a problem about it.

I would phrase your refusal as you think your DM would appreciate receiving several gifts rather than just the one from your family.

Just tell them that after your children's contributions the remaining balance is X amount, and if they want to go halves on that with you they're welcome to.

You're taking money off your children for this? What? For that you are being VVU, however, I do agree your sisters can get their own gift. Do you refer to them as half sisters all the time. That's quite tedious and would upset me if I was your Mum.

If they agreed to pay a third, would you present it as a joint gift?

@Ilovelurchers of course, but haven’t you ever found yourself in a situation in which you’ve stumbled across the perfect present for someone you love. You remember a day out with them, when they saw something they liked, but couldn’t afford, and some time later you remembered that day, and thought what a perfect gift it would make for them. And how happy they’d be, and how much they’d love the fact that you remembered it. And then some other people, who’ve done fuck all for the loved one, want to swoop in and take equal credit for it, while only chipping in a tiny fraction of the cost. Are you genuinely such a magnanimous person that that wouldn’t bother you in the slightest?

I’ve just mentally fast forwarded (hopefully quite a) few years and one of the sisters laying claim to the jewellery “well we all paid towards it!”

Given how OP has described her mother's attitude to gifts -

"My mum is the type of person who will love anything any of us buy her. I’ve bought her things for a few pounds in the past that she treasures so she would not let this gift overshadow anything at all that her other children get her."

I really don't think the expense of OP's gift would overshadow gifts from her other daughters. And if they think that way, how well do they know their own mother?

Yes, this gift is expensive - but OP has chosen it based on it is "something my mum always says she likes but would never treat herself to" and that it is "something my mum first seen when she was with me". It's personal. Personal to the OP. And that's why it's totally unreasonable for OP's sisters to try and turn this into a shared gift.

I think this states the case very clearly. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking pleasure in giving a gift that you’ve thought about and which has personal meaning for both the gift giver and the recipient.

Are you much wealthier than them?

I know it's hard as a non wealthy sibling when a parent might get a £50 present from one and a £5000 present from another.

Could they between them buy something that coordinates with what you have bought eg earrings?

Why do you think OP is wrong to take money off her children if they want to contribute ? The idea of such a special gift being from OP and her immediate family to celebrate a big birthday isn’t unreasonable. What I think is unreasonable is the siblings completely missing the point that OP’s children are contributing a token amount to the gift because they are her children. This is a gift which has special meaning to the OP and her family as the gift givers and will have special meaning to her mum as the recipient. Completely unreasonable of the siblings to try to muscle in on that - not to mention cheap.

Not at all BU. I think your SSs are spoiling your moment and your efforts. Why can't they just do their own thing? It will mean your Mum will have more variety of presents too. Don't understand them. Especially as you say you are not very close.

Reading some of the responses critical of the OP and her 'ego' don't seem to understand about 'thought' being important, they show themselves to be among those who think the more that is spent on a gift, the better it must be!

I think the sisters are being really cheeky. Getting equal glory for a small fractional share when OP is bearing most of the cost and has done all the legwork of planning and purchasing.

I'd only consider agreeing to this if they proposed an equal split per family (including contributions by each sisters offspring). So say the item cost is £3000, OP and her kids put in a collective £1k and each sister follows suit.

I am one of the very few who voted that YABU - you are all family and what sort of virtue signalling are you truly wanting to put out there OP? I love my mum the most because I contributed to this highly expensive gift? It seems you are gatekeeping your mum's birthday, that's not decent behaviour.

I think your mum would love to have one gift from her daughter's it would be kind of symbolic for me . I should imagine your mum is well aware that you see them as half sisters rather than just Sisters
Ofcourse it's your gift and your well within your rights to give your own gift .
What would your mum want cos the sentiment behind this has more value than the price .