Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

I don't know if he's showing off to his family, or a family member is stirring and he is reacting to what they are saying. Try to stay calm you haven't done anything wrong.

This sounds really sinister OP. I would be a bit worried about your partner’s motives here. I think I would pack a bag and take baby to my parents’ house in these circumstances and ask your partner’s family to leave.

No your not overreacting,you have just given birth 2 weeks ago he should be supporting you not trying to belittle you in front of his family what a complete knob.

Don't let him put you down,you know what's best for your son.

I am aware I pretty much always say leave on these threads...but that's because the one's I respond to always seem to be full of the same sort of men.

Leave. He's setting you up. There isn't another explanation or another side, before anyone else jumps in and says you should talk it out or go to therapy. It's hard when you're on the spot not to freeze, but anytime he says anything remotely similar in future, respond immediately and calmly. Please make plans to leave.

I'm so sorry OP. Your partner's behaviour is very concerning. He seems to be deliberately looking for evidence that you aren't looking after the baby properly and are putting him at risk. It's even worse that he is deliberately doing this in front of his family.

Do you have your own family nearby? Could you go them for a while? I wouldn't trust your partner as he doesn't have your best intersts at heart.

Is he always like this?
Putting you down in front of people?
Or has this come out of the blue?
As an aside, I'm amazed you are up for such a long visit from ILs when you've just given birth.

Please do not let him take the baby to visit his parents to "give you a break"

Your in laws should not be there for this long.

But that is a secondary issue. What he has just done is appalling. If he repeats it or similar, ask him what is he suggesting? As calmly as you can.

Are your parents helpful? If they are, I’d be on the phone to them now.

Are his parents from a different culture to yours?

This sounds like the start of a lot of problems for you, OP. I'm so sorry, you should feel safe and supported right now.

That's absolutely appalling. Can you speak to your midwife about this, privately? He's setting you up. And in any case why couldn't he give the baby to his mum to feed while he cleaned up the poonami? He's gone out there with his Disney Dad mask on and is slagging you off to them.

There is so much wrong here. Firstly why do you have his family staying 2 weeks after giving birth for 10 days! Why are you entertaining them and making food when your husband should be doing this when you need to rest. They should find a hotel. Secondly why are you squirrelling yourself upstairs in your own house? Then criticising you in front of his family.. no one who is on your side would do that, no wonder you're upset. Ideally I would turf these people out and reclaim your sofa where you belong to rest and bond with your baby.

I didn’t bf so I’m no expert - but why are you doing both at two weeks? If you’re bf, shouldn’t you just be doing that at this stage?

Is he making you pump so he can bottle feed? If so, this is a very concerning situation and you need help.

I would put the baby in the car and drive off with a bag packed to go and stay with your family.

Your DH is being a 1st class twat.

Congrats on your new baby OP. I agree his behaviour today hasn't been considerate, but I would think that catastrophising after one day could be really bad for your mental health, and I'm a bit shocked how many posters are encouraging it.

You have a two week old and a house full of family visiting. Most likely, your DH is tired, and probably trying to show off a bit what a great dad he is. He absolutely should not be doing that in a way that doesn't support you, or even remotely makes you feel bad.

Can you calmly raise it with him? And can you ask some of your own family to visit for a dag to support you emotionally? 2 weeks postpartum is no time at all since birth.

‘I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.
This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights’

Who on earth thought that was ok? Why are you cooking for them?
Good grief. Your partner needs to book them a hotel. Or take your baby and stay with your own parents if that’s possible.

He was nice this morning and told me to rest upstairs and that there was no pressure for me to come down and socialise until I was ready so I stayed upstairs and rested with baby.

Then as soon as I felt ready and came downstairs he did all of this. I'm so confused

Speak to your midwife or health visitor or doctor about this as soon as you possibly can. You want it on record. This is coercive and controlling behaviour - whether he's conscious of it or not.

Yes unless your baby has had weight gain issues this is a good question. It’s the best way to give yourself a massive oversupply. Is there a reason OP? X

Hi
Just wanted to give you some words of encouragement you are doing the best you can and haven't done anything wrong. If you are able to see a health worker at your local clinic with just you and baby please inform them of what's been happening. If you dont feel comfortable with that please see id close family or friends can pop round or have some time with you. Just make sure you have some support and tell someone.

He is acting extremely sinister and its just unnecessary especially his tone, accusations and need to do it in front of an audience. Do not try and figure him out your main priority is to care for baby and yourself as best you can. Take it from me some men can really change up once baby is here and turn into utter monsters. You are not alone in this!

Try not to second guess yourself please as its so easy to do so post partum yiu have enough going on. X

I would be very suspicious of his motives. What an utter bastard.

Do you know his family very well?

Despicable behaviour, showing a very unpleasant and sinister side.

Family visiting for ten days with a newborn? Fucking hell that's a nightmare to start with, and his behaviour is vile.

If you've family close, I'd simply walk out and go and stay with them for the night. He's setting the scene for something here or is it being a complete fuck for the sake of it. Either way, I wouldn't tolerate it. Do not leave you baby alone with him or his family if you can help it during this visit.

Pack a wee bag for you and the baby, go to a hotel or your parents or a friends overnight (lie-flat pram topper for bed?).

Tell him why you are doing it. His reaction tonight and in the coming days will tell you what you need to know.

so sorry he has done this.

How horrible for you :(
Mine are grown up now but DS1 in particular was a face scratcher. Scratch mitts proved useless. Gently using a nail file does the trick, you can buy baby ones or use any you might have close to hand.