Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

I just assumed that it was your partner's parents staying with you. I can't imagine that his cousin or his cousin's boyfriend are going to be much help or support for you so they really really shouldn't be there.

As a newly post-partum mother, your health, wellbeing and your bond with your baby are the most important things and vital to establish breastfeeding. Your husband is actively sabotaging this. He is a dangerous man and I don't think that you are safe.

Can you speak to your parents or friends about what is happening and ask them for help and support?

Can you stay with your mum / siblings / any family ?

I agree!

I feel like he wants to show off to his family what a fabulous dad he is at my expense.

These people are staying with you for TEN DAYS when you're 2 weeks postpartum?? That is absolutely fucking nuts. Your DH needs to deposit them at a hotel asap. I don't understand why you're not furious with him????

He's on paternity leave, yes!!
Well he can fuck the fuck off.
I don't usually get this annoyed at threads but yours has really riled me.
If there is no work for dh to get up for, why the rigid "shifts"?
His "job" on paternity leave is to ensure his baby and mother of his baby are at his beck and call and his life has to revolve around YOUR needs.
Bf is a bloody hard enough routine to develop.
Sending you hugs💜xx

I’m sorry you’re having difficulties with your husband. I don’t really have any relationship advice but regarding cutting nails I use a baby electric nail file for my little one which can’t hurt them. Thought I’d share in case that’s helpful. You sound like a great mum xx

As posters have said, there are problems here with how your partner is behaving and you shouldn’t be hosting visitors 2 weeks after giving both unless they are visitors who will help you with parenting. Can you go to family?

You are NOT over-reacting love, your partner is a nasty manipulative piece of shit...it's absolutely not right that he is making yours and your baby's life more difficult to suit him...and then pretending he's dad of the year in front of people who don't know enough about babies to see what he's doing.

If I knew where you were I'd come and get you myself...but if you can't escape to your family or a friend's place over the weekend, get straight on to your midwife tomorrow and get some help.

You poor lass...get your baby back, get some food and shut yourself away to snuggle xxx

I agree, he just wants to feed his ego, you & baby should be priority.
Do you feel able to stand up to him? If you let this go he'll likely get worse.

I agree with an earlier poster that this is very sinister and controlling. Your partner is purposely making unfounded accusations in front of others. He also seems to be insisting baby gets used to a bottle not just milk from the breast. This is all ringing huge alarm bells.

He’s a bully and he’s trying to make you feel inadequate and insecure. I don’t think it’s showing off in front of his family (although that might be a small part of it). I think he’s trying to control you. This will destroy your self-esteem and render you helpless.

You need to protect yourself and baby. How long have you been together? Do you own your home? Is there anywhere else you can go?

You’re 2 weeks post partum. Your partner’s cousin and her boyfriend are staying with you for 10 days - this is nuts. This is a vulnerable time for you when you are trying to establish feeding and its general chaos with a first baby that young. A cousin and partner staying is absolutely not what should be happening. How did this visit get arranged in the first place? Can you ring your parents and stay with them? Or can you get your parents or a friend to come and say they all need to leave? This is crazy. I hope things get sorted x

Honestly… I very rarely say this… I would hold it together for a year and then leave him

That is the most benign explanation. That he’s a selfish, gaslighting idiot with self esteem issues. Add the sleep and BFing stuff and he starts to look genuinely abusive.

You haven’t answered a few questions and I think they are important. Do you have family nearby? Money of your own? Support from a midwife, HV or other HCP? Do you have anywhere to go?

Can you make an emergency appointment with your GP and explain what is happening and that you don't feel safe. Your partner's behaviour is abusive and he is actively sabotaging your bond and your relationship with your baby.

That's exactly what he's doing @Aristocack ... he's abusing you and the baby to big himself up; get the two of you away from him as soon as you can xxx

noone need to stay for ten days that's ridiculous and cousins? i assume this was his idea

Just to add. Your "d"h has invited his family to stay for 10 days, while you are 14days pp.😮
Do you have any of your own family nearby?

I really think you need to get away from him. This is really sinister behaviour.

Is there anyone you can go and stay with?

Sounds to me like he might be stressed out and overwhelmed and also feeling pressure from his family, so not thinking about how these statements are affecting you. And you are no doubt feeling very vulnerable right now so taking it to heart.

I totally get that this was undermining and inconsiderate, though. Tell him calmly that you felt critiqued and take it from there

Do you have family who can support you OP? I think his behaviour is very worrying.

Oh op, words fail me. Depriving you of time with your baby so his sleep isnt disturbed and making matters unnecessarily complex and hard on you and your baby. Criticising you in front of his family and not one of them checking if you are ok or hungry is unforgiveable.

Can your own family help and support you? This sounds very worrying.

My inlaws were very unkind to me when I had Dd2. It did me a favour in the long run as people who are cruel to you at your most vulnerable do not deserve to have a relationship with you.

Dear OP, I hope that you’re not feeling extra stressed from all these people telling you to grab the baby and a bag and leave right now. It’s up to you obviously, but I do feel that might not be the easiest thing for you right now.
However, I do agree that you should certainly keep an eye on your husband’s behaviour. If we give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was just being paranoid about the baby and that is manifesting in a controlling manner. If we’re honest, a lot of us mums would perhaps behave like that towards our partner in the early crazy baby days. Keep an eye out though and log any more behaviour from him like that.
I definitely feel that this pumping is not working out for you. I hope you feel strong enough to make that clear to your husband. It sounds like his reason for wanting you to pump was initially so he could get a 6 hour stretch of sleep rather than being disturbed by you getting up every few hours. So it would make much more sense to stop the pumping and for you and him to sleep in separate rooms – if you haven’t got a spare room then a sofa could do. Though of course having visitors for 10 weeks at the moment is really not ideal!
x

I think it’s more than that. Be very wary. Don’t let any periods of niceness fool you. There’s something going on here and it’s not just showing off IMO.

Go downstairs, take your baby, take some food, tell the visitors the arrangement is not working can they leave tomorrow and go back upstairs.

Everyone of them is a disgrace, for various reasons.