Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

Oh, OP, you poor thing- I think you are definitely under-reacting.

For a start, most people couldn't cope with family staying for that long even when not two weeks post-partum.

But most importantly, he seems to be dictating everything to suit him, instead of focusing entirely on supporting you. I don't know whether he intended to suggest you'd hurt the baby or whether, as others have said, he was showing off, but obviously neither is OK.

What was he like when you were pregnant, and before? Has he always thought the world revolved around him or is it new behaviour?

If you can put your foot down now before this gets any more normalised, you must.

If you can't, you really need to stay with friends or family until they've gone and you can tell him to get his act together or get out..

I hope it works out, and quickly.

OP where are your family?

Have you got somebody you trust outside Husband and his family?
If so give them a call, and ideally ask them to 'pop in'.
You need support, and you need it now.
Get your husband alone and tell him how he has made you feel.
What nationality are your husband and family? Are they from one of those cultures where the DiL is supposed to be subservient, and they take over the raising of the children?
I wish you luck.

ffs this is not a baby at your dh convenience, he wants unbroken sleep so you have to do a shift what the actual fuck

you have a dh problem and he needs to but out of your babies feeding pattern and let you breast feed

doens't he understand that your milk changes between day and night and is also changes when its hot and cold?

also I would recommend a hackker for collecting extra milk on the other boob when you are breast feeding from the other said - much easier to collect milk and you'd have enough to top up if you needed

but your dh is a problem, he is not getting encouraged boobs all because he doesn't want to be put out

he needs to fuck off int to he spare room and tell his family to get a room at a hotel if there isn't a spare room

this is totally out of order and your dh is behaving like a "princess" his needs now come third for a while

My mum is supportive and I am texting her currently. Unfortunately she lives an hour away, doesn't drive and is a full-time carer for disabled sibling so she can't support as much as she wishes

DO NOT DO THIS

Dangerous and stupid advice.

Can you get to her? She’ll look after you once you’re there.

Drive carefully if you do.

xx

Oh lovely. I’m really worried about you even though I don’t know you. I want to come and take you out of there.

I am so sorry, but I think your H is being abusive. I would really like you to talk to a domestic abuse line. Talk through what your relationship is like, warts and all, and check it against what is a healthy relationship with them.

You are at a really vulnerable time in terms of your hormones and in terms of when abusers tend to crank it up a notch.

Do you have someone you could go and stay with for a bit? Get some space and have a think about what you need right now? You need some real life support.

Sending you love and strength.

Why? She needs to leave now.

Firstly, I think two weeks postpartum is far too soon to be hosting family for 10 days! I think your husband is showing off, does he like to be in control or show that he is??
It’s a horrible thing he’s done and I wouldn’t put up with it. Stand up for yourself it’s now or never, plus I would take the baby and go and stay with your mother until he’s got over himself and if he doesn’t apologise and stay there until he does!

Firstly, why are people staying with you for 10 days when you have just had a baby ?? Secondly, your partner sounds really awful, as do his family who just sat there. I hope you are OK. 🌸

NRTFT but who on earth decided to have visitors in your home for ten days after having your first baby? Especially when it sounds like it's created extra work and pressure on you, as opposed to say my DM who came, cooked and cleaned, genuinely helping.

It's sounds stupid but I have this obsession with wanting to take my baby out in the pram alone and go for a nice coffee one morning and I'm upset that I haven't been able to do so yet (I feel physically able). In between appointments, preparing for visitors, having visitors, accommodating pumping etc, I haven't been able to just take my baby out for a nice walk in his pram. It is saddening me as it was something I was really looking forward to on maternity leave (wrapping baby up cosy for pram walks and going for coffee) . I think it's because I'm so desperate to feel some autonomy and independence in being a mum to my baby instead of being stuck in the house entertaining guests, cooking for guests and fucking pumping.

Partner is back at work for 2 days on 7th and 8th October and then he's got another 6 days of annual leave.

I feel guilty in some ways as he's a very hands on dad and some women would kill to have that. But in other ways I feel like I'm waiting for him to just piss off so I can have my baby back.

When you have a baby, at some point your lion instincts will kick in and your need to protect your tiny baby will outway anything else. Please let those instincts come to the fore. Now.

Dear Op, I’ve read all your posts and I’m so disturbed, and so sorry this is happening to you. You and your baby are the top priority for rest annd care here, not your partner and certainly not entertaining his relatives. It’s incredibly hard to do, but I think if you can manage it it would be good to stop the pumping for his shift pattern, which isn’t working for you or the baby, and also ask him to ask the relatives to leave. It was mad of him to invite them to stay with you at all so soon after the birth, never mind for ten days. Do you have family/friends nearby that can come and back you up? If I was your friend I’d march in and tell him he’s being an utterly atrocious, selfish partner and tell his family they need to go to a hotel. His paternity leave is meant to be to care for you and your baby.

can you get a friends to drive you and the baby to stay with her for a few days - so that you can feed your baby properly and leave your fh to entertain his guests

you need rest, you need to be able to feed your baby on demand - not when your fh thins abby should be fed and you need to establish breast feeding in a relaxed atmosphere

you need support not an idiot by your side

Don't let the visitors take priority over your time with your baby. You need to channel your mothering instinct now and tell your partner that baby needs some time with Mum and he needs to get you some food.

Put mittens on baby so he can't scratch his face and send your husband and guests to boots for the nail file.

You will always remember this period in your life, hormones are affecting your emotions but you know best what baby and Mum needs and you can breast feed when you want to, not when Dad decides. If it's not working for you, then it's not working. Dad is being an inconsiderate tool and sounds oblivious to how his questions sounded but you need to stop his showing off and tell him what you need.

Please make a stand, emotional or not. None of those ppl in your house know what's best for your baby. They are an extra pair of hands when you want or need them or to watch your child while you sleep or shower. Get yourself some food, hydrate and take your child back.

Speaking as someone who had their boundaries trampled by in-laws after birth and regret not putting my foot down at the time.

Stop expressing milk and just take your baby to feed him.

This man doesn't care about your feelings or what is best for his child so you need to start advocating for yourself and your baby.

I would take the baby and check into a hotel for the rest of the time the relatives are there- let him sort everything out with them and you can focus on the baby, as his help is clearly coming at too high a price. Your partner being a vicious drama queen, presumably to impress his relatives with his parenting. TBH I can't see any reasonable excuse for his behaviour.

Pack your things and the baby's things, and have your mum, dad, sister, friend - anyone who loves you - come to pick you up and take you away from this man.

I agree with the advice to speak to your midwife or doctor, because this is coercive control.

It is highly abusive, making you feel emotionally and psychologically unsafe, on the defensive and under attack when you are at your most tired and vulnerable.

Abusers frequently show their true colours during pregnancy or in the post partum period. I fear this is happening in your home.

Do not be tempted to make excuses for this or to dismiss it as a hiccup in an otherwise good relationship. Many men reveal their true colours when they cannot stand the role of helper and see the baby's complete dependence on the mother, cannot stand to see the attention of their own family on the baby and not on them, cannot stand the attention their wife pays to the newborn, or cannot stand the fact that during pregnancy and childbirth everyone paid a lot more attention to the wife than to him. Emotionally stunted and entitled men can hide their true nature until the perfect storm of a baby enters their lives. Their jealousy expresses itself in abuse.

. Do not feel you need to stay silent in the face of his abuse. Tell your mum or someone else who can step in and help you. Silence only protects him.

Whose idea was the extended visit by family?
Whose idea was the pumping?

This is sinister. And whether hes from a " backwards country " or not his motives are clear. Check he's not taken a passport out for your baby. He's painting you out to be a danger to the baby. You need to to leave. Call your health visitor or someone. Its that or he's projecting and he has/ will hurt the baby. Whatever you do you must stay calm and do t feed into his narrative of you because the next thing will be you're insane . Hes got a motive and its a bad one

It doesn’t sound stupid and he is NOT being a “hands on dad”, he’s being an arsehole at best and abusive at worst. It’s all about him and impressing his random childless relatives.

accommodating pumping etc

stop pumping - just tell fh its not working and you can't get any milk - he's an idiot anyway so he wont know whether its right or wrong

I think the comments about the scratches are the tip of the iceberg here. He’s dictating what sleep you’re allowed to get because it disturbs him?? Is he having a laugh!? If it’s disturbing him he can go to the spare room or the sofa. You are essentially getting about 4/5 hours broken sleep because of his silly routine that is also making you engorged and may impact your breastfeeding journey. Unless there is an issue with dropping weight you shouldn’t introduce a bottle until at least 6 weeks when exclusively breastfeeding.

I presume you’ve read about the fourth trimester. He’s interfering with that. Not being with your baby for a 6 hour stretch feels wrong, because it is wrong. You do not need to be away from your ds. It is of no benefit to him or to you. Get your ds back and banish your ‘partner’ the sofa if he can’t sleep.

I breastfed my dd for 2.5 years. I’m fuming on your behalf. No way would my dh have ever acted like this.