Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

For someone who has never given birth, never will give birth, can not in a million years understand what it feels like to grow, give birth and feed their baby from their own body, your husband is dictating a lot about what happens.

He's setting you up to fail because he wants to be the hero here. I would be very very worried about his motives, the safety of my baby and whether the baby will actually still be with me by the time they are one.

He’s definitely negging you. Why does he want to put your down like this? Be aware that emotional abuse can start postnatally as the man feels pushed out and starts being an arse. I agree call him out on such comments. Calmly and clearly. “What do you mean by that, are you suggesting I’ve harmed the baby”.

if this carries on I would not be staying in the relationship

Appalling way to speak to the mother of your child. He needs to be overcome with remorse and never, ever speak to you that way again. Whilst also loudly telling his family what a fabulous mum you are (as I’m sure you are!).

I’m furious on your behalf.

Well it doesn't work for you or the baby so it needs to stop. It's far too early to pump. You are already experiencing engorgement and there are risks of mastitis which can make you really sick. What would suit you better is for you to be sleeping in the room with the baby and him on the sofa or spare room.

Can you not propose this to him, or are you afraid of him?

I guess you are from a culture where you might be expected to meekly obey and follow your dh’s lead, and he pretty much takes charge? Especially with the arrival of relatives within a couple of weeks of you giving birth, and them not pulling your dh up on his comments. If so, I assume it’s hard for you to be assertive in front of them.

You are pumping instead of breast feeding for your partner's benefit because he's exhausted. You aren't getting any more rest because you are pumping.

Do you have another bedroom where you can sleep with the baby so you can feed him whenever you need to? That would be much better for you and the baby.

I have some dark suspicions about your partner. His behaviour is sinister. He really doesn't have your best interests at heart.

And he says what when you tell him this? Are you frightened of him? It sounds like these plans you come up with together are just him telling you to do things.

Tell him a shift pattern that actually benefits you both equally. Or as equally as possible. And you mustn't allow 10 day family visits from his side whenever he says so.

Either he's controlling or you're choosing not to make any decisions about your own comfort?

I'm already feeling vulnerable as baby was hospitalised for a night the day after we left the post-natal ward as I had struggled to establish BFing and I had spent our first night at home thinking he had been latched and getting milk but he actually hadn't been latched properly and he ended up with low blood sugar. I've since established a method where he latches well (thanks to the amazing Breastfeeding team at our local children's hospital) but the pumping to accommodate my partner's night shift idea has caused me to get engorged which is interfering with the latch again and I think baby gets confused as he is started to get used to the ease of bottles and he now finds the breast too much effort. The night shift idea was created by my partner after our first night home from baby's hospitalisation at the children's hospital as my partner got frustrated from listening to me doing the 3-hourly feedings.

It's great that the shift plan allows my partner to get 6 hours sleep but if I have to wake up to pump halfway through his shift and then juggle pumping/BFing/bottle sterilisation and prep during my shift then it's not equal at all. And if I'm going to be awake anyway I'd rather just be awake cuddling and feeding my baby. I don't think it's natural to be away from him 6 hours a night every night at 2 weeks old. That's a quarter of each day. I feel like I'm missing valuable time with my newborn in those 6 hours. I feel like the baby must be incredibly confused

OP this is all wrong. First of all the focus should be on you and your recovery, plus establishing BF. Stop this faffing around with expressing. Maybe you can collect enough drip milk during feeds or pump while you’re feeding anyway if you want a few bottles in case of emergency… but overall stop all the expressing and get some sleep.

More importantly the fact that he is hinting you’ve hurt the baby is extremely serious and sinister. You need to get away from him before he makes more of this. Or at least get some space and an ally and have a serious conversation with him. In any case he’s ignorant. Newborns don’t sweat.

Your over enthusiastic breasts will settle down OP. Fear not.

Can you take the baby and go and stay with your parents for a few days? You're very vulnerable right now and abusers tend to start their shit when their partner is at their most vulnerable.

You need to get away from him. This won't get any better.

Was your partner controlling before you had the baby? Because he certainly sounds controlling now.

There's no way you should be having family to stay for 10 days when you're 2 weeks post partum. You're supposed to be resting and recuperating from the birth - you need peace and privacy to do this!

Your night feeding set up is totally irrational. If he is struggling to get enough sleep, he should sleep in another room or on the sofa - you shouldn't need to pump and you need your sleep too! At 2 weeks your breast milk supply is still establishing - you need to feed baby on demand and no need to pump. It sounds like this arrangement is more for his convenience that for you or baby.

I am really concerned that he is undermining you and blaming you for ridiculous things in front of his family. Where are your family? Can you go and stay with them for a bit?

My goodness, no way should his family be staying with you so soon after giving birth!
You are so vulnerable at this stage.
It's great that you have established breastfeeding but he needs to follow your lead on how you make the EBF work. He's making completely unreasonable demands on you. You dictate 'baby shifts' for what works for you. Your other half can easily look after the baby during late evening, after you've given him a feed. You go and sleep until he next needs feeding. Your partner then brings him to you for you to feed him, look after him etc.
If you feeding the baby disturbs him then he goes and sleeps elsewhere.
Your partner then takes over your DS after a feed any time after 6/7am. You then go and sleep until the next feed. You then juggle your DSs care between you during the day, but ensuring you get another good sleep at some point.
Is there any way you can go and stay with your family, so you can be properly loved and supported?

@Aristocack
I think he's setting you up
So that he can take baby away from you easier
And have it raised within his own family exclusively
Don't want hate for saying this
But some cultures dote on boys
And because of this
They'll want him for lineage/and try to give him a good education leading to more family prestige/possible in the future career advancement
You've done nothing at all wrong
But if enough doubt is sown........
Watch baby and yourself

Major red flags, sorry OP. Can you start writing stuff down now because (and I hope to God it won't) this sounds like to could escalate.

Also take pictures of your baby's face, your baby in general, everyday (that bit should be easy 🙂).

Hopefully he is just struggling and it will pass, Dads can actually get postpartum anxiety/depression too so I wouldn't rule it out, but protect yourself and the baby first and foremost.

So sorry this is happening op, do you have family close by or a close friend

He's not British but no he's not from a backwards culture, he's from another country in western Europe and it's not patriarchal

As a PP, please tell someone about this. A health visitor, a family member or friend.

Your DH’s behaviour comes across as controlling and abusive. I would be worried.

Oh OP , this situation is not good at all.

Do you have family, friends, anyone to support you ? You are in a vulnerable position and your partner's behaviour is extremely concerning.

Please reach out to someone, GP, health worker, relative or friend.

Is one of the relatives his mum? Would she be an ally to you at all?

Darling, please just co sleep and breast feed your baby on demand. You will never regret being there with your baby. Your husband sounds like a bigger baby and should find somewhere else to sleep. I’m sorry you aren’t getting the support you need and deserve from him. You deserve better. X

I was thinking of this.
Why did all the visitors " stay silent" is there not another mother amongst them that could speak up for you?

Stop pumping, feed the baby and your boob's will settle down into routine.
Ask dh to help.by doing nappies, bringing you a drink/snack.
Your baby will get used to the full breast and learn the letdown quickly. If you keep pumping before he feeds he cant learn.

Please speak to someone in real life about this, be it your health visitor, a friend, the BF support team or Refuge.

As an outsider so much of this raises serious red flags and I would urge you to step away for you and your babies sake, at least to get some perspective.

To be clear, this isn’t right and if you were my friend I’d be very concerned and likely overstepping in order to intervene.

No, it's a sister, a cousin and cousins's boyfriend. None of whom have children