Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

You need to leave as soon as possible. Get a friend to take you and baby to your mums. Phone a solicitor asap and please don’t go back

OP, if anything I am so proud of you for speaking out. So many of us go through this gaslighting for years before we realise or are brave enough. Your partner is abusive and you really must leave him.

He is a dick. You should have nothing but support and love at this time.

I have no idea why he felt it was suitable for this family to stay so soon after the baby is born either. Totally bizarre. Never heard of anything so inappropriate.

OP, your post, where the prick is blaming you for him not checking his mirrors; do you notice how much you’re over explaining? You have the hallmark signs of a woman who has been undermined and made to walk on eggshells. This man is abusing you. Please, go to your mums. You will realise how strong you actually are when you haven’t got someone criticising your every move. This won’t stop with you, he’ll do it to everyone he has power over, including your son. And if i
hes managed to make you feel this bad as an adult what do you think his behaviour will do to a 5 year old? 10 year old?

BTW, I am dyspraxic. I knock over drinks, walk into door frames, can’t catch anything intentionally, don’t do well on bikes. BUT, my reflexes are second to none, I’m fairly sure it’s an evolutionary adaptation to keep myself alive. The amount of times I have caught my children flying off spinning chairs or falling down the stairs! I am not a less capable mother because of it. I have met other dyspraxics who are the same. Your mother’s instinct is powerful. You NEED to believe and trust in yourself. If not for you then for your boy.

Another voice saying please, please get to your mum’s, OP. This does not sound like a safe environment for you and your baby, your partner is behaving so badly and is making you question yourself.

Do not give up any leave for this man!

You really need to protect yourself and your baby and go somewhere you can be supported or at least have the space to take care of yourselves without this awful treatment.

OP please ring Women's Aid when it's safe to do so. This is psychological abuse of a new mother. You really need to get some headspace away from him and to lower stress. Could baby be cluster feeding because they feel your stress x

He’s gaslighting you, the man either never said that or was joking. No one in their right mind would even think for a second you put a baby in a pram in a car (considering you need to fold the pram up it’s not physically possible).

Just get your baby and go to your mums. It’s emotional abuse and he’s ramping it up whilst you’re so vulnerable. If you don’t feel able to do this, call your health visitor first thing tomorrow and tell her everything that is happening to you.

Also you sound like an extremely caring and thoughtful mum who is trying her best to care for her baby in extremely challenging circumstances. If you can possibly do it, get away from your partner so you can enjoy your baby without him shattering your confidence.

If a mate told you all that what would you say?

You'd tell them their partner is an abusive prick who is trying to run them down and gaslight into thinking they're the problem.

GET. OUT!

Give yourself the space to get into a routine with bubz, recover from birth and have the mental strength to let him know how his words and actions have made what is supposed to be a special time for you a lot harder than it needs to be.

I wish your Mum would rip him a new one, honestly.

He needs telling about himself.

Please please listen to everyone on here: You are in a very dangerous and vulnerable position:

There are 3 people in the house that can speak another language that you don't understand.

One couple are supposed to be staying for 10 days and are related to your H.

H is abusing you and making you doubt yourself (gaslighting) and has only started this since your baby was born.

H has been trying to break the bond you have with your baby.

H doesn't want you to breast feed your baby and would prefer that the baby was bottle fed.

All 3 are planning something against you that is clear.

None of this bodes well. Do not let any of them touch your baby at all ever from now on. They are plotting something against you and that is very obvious.

Get out of the house tonight, failing that first thing tomorrow before they are up. If you stay tonight wedge something against your bedroom door so if anyone tries to enter you will wake up. I cannot emphasize how vulnerable you and your baby are.

He’s being so cruel to you. I feel so upset for you.

Youre at your most vulnerable when you’ve just given birth and I can’t believe how awful he’s being and his family aren’t stepping in.

I really think you should pack up the baby and go to your mums.

He should be waiting on you hand and foot while he’s on pat leave not leaving you upstairs thirsty while he’s having drinks downstairs with his family.

also why the hell were you putting the pram in the boot after you’ve just given birth - why didn’t he do it?

Voted YABU by mistake. Fat fingers.

I‘d be very concerned that your partner is trying to set you up. This is really strange behaviour. Are you on any meds for mental health or otherwise struggling and he is trying to find an arb?

Blimey OP, he really does sound like he’s gaslighting you… wtf is he on about, thinks you might put the baby in the boot?! How ridiculous. He can’t even cook mince ffs. It outrageous that he pressured you to do shifts with expressing breast milk because he ‘couldn’t cope with broken sleep’ The most important thing right now is you and your baby. Getting enough sleep and bonding and feeding, he needs to be facilitating that as much as possible. Sleeping in the spare room to give you space if that helps you all get more sleep. I should think you’re completely sleep deprived, no wonder you’re leaving that boot open!! Speak to your health visitor and maybe see if you can visit your mum. Definitely boot the guests out!!

This sounds about right. I’d leave and go to your Mum‘s with your little one and not go back.

Your Mum needs to up her game a bit. I know she is a carer but she needs to really help you out here more than sending texts

There is NO reason for him to start up this thread of ‘I can’t trust you with the baby’ EXCEPT to undermine your confidence. Think about it. This is abuse and coercive control. He wants you to think you’re dependent on him. I have no idea what he’s planning but you do need to get out. Do for your child if not yourself.

Apparently the pram was already in the boot. OP did the shopping while father and aunt waited in the car with baby. She put her shopping in the boot and (apparently) didn’t close it properly. It then fell out when the father started driving off without doing the basic safety checks.

What? In what way? OP is an adult. Her mother can’t force her to do anything, can’t drive, and as you know has caring responsibilities as well.

Please make a new thread as we are all
invested in yourself and babies welfare @Aristocack and we are nearing the end of this thread for any more good advice and support ❤️

I don't think you've read or understood this thread at all...

Honestly some sort of pram-related accident is so common OP. I’ve left the pushchair by the side of the road and driven off with DC in the car, but without the pram. Of course your instinct as a mother is to be focused on your baby and your forgetfulness is caused by that, plus your hormones and sleep deprivation.

Your DP isn’t some sort of baby guru who gets to judge how well you’re doing. His sole job is to love and support you as you feed and care for the baby. He’s doing the opposite by undermining you and not even looking after you by feeding you and making sure you are comfortable and relaxed in your own home.

Don’t stand for this utter crap. You are obviously a lovely, caring mummy and you don’t deserve this.

The thing that a some of you who (thankfully) have not experienced men like this dont know is that he doing precisely BECAUSE she is vulnerable. She is physically weak from pg and childbirth, and from losing blood. She learning how to be a mother and how to care for her baby. She is at the most vulnerable she has ever been in their relationship. That is why he is doing it because he knows that she has nothing left to fight back with.

There is a reason that abuse in relationships often starts during pregnancy or the post partum period.

This man is dangerous and abusive.

The freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline tel:08082000247 0808 2000 247

Sadly @Aristocack there may be a wait to get through to anyone but please do call. Their help is invaluable.

I think this guy is dangerous and you should make plans to leave, I think he’s very jealous of your time with the baby and I would be worried about him trying for full custody or taking baby out of the country, he’s extremely controlling with a bad temper, please be careful x

This is correct. He somehow thinks that this suggests that I will put the pram in the boot WITH THE BABY INSIDE and drive off with the boot open!!!

I've already been referred to peri-natal mental health for instruive thoughts about my baby so I really could've down without him giving me the mental image of my baby falling out of the boot onto the road and the subsequent gruesomely horrendous situation that could befall my baby.

I am very depressed and anxious but I am still fully in touch with reality. We're running out of thread space now so I can't continue to update but my mum is aware of everything and plans are in place. Thank you everyone for all of the support

Please make a new thread so we can support you

Pack a bag, take baby and call a cab to your mum's ASAP. You are in an abusive relationship.