Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

Also, stop pumping. As a long time breastfeeding mother, the pumping is not helping you or your baby in this instance. It will be much easier for both of you if you ditch it at this time. It will also stabilise your supply.

If you dare show him this thread. He needs to get real.

Here's a big hug for you.

can you contact your midwife? They are trained to be alert to protect mothers in situations like this

His sleep is the least important at the moment. If he can't tolerate you feeding your newborn baby on demand, tell him to fuck off and sleep somewhere else. He is making this so much harder for you that it needs to be. What a selfish prick.
And that's without considering his public accusations! He's a fucking disgrace of a partner.

The feeding and sleeping thing… he’s actively making life worse for you nd the baby to make things better for him. Just stop. One of you has to be focused on the baby’s welfare, and your welfare. And it seemed that person is you.

There is something that happens to a lot of us when you have a baby. A lot of us become a Mother, with all the power, knowledge, wisdom and understanding of that essential role. Your job is to do that. Stop making yourself and your role small for him.

Oh, love, I really feel for you. You sound very vulnerable (as we all are when so recently post-partum). Why are his family staying so soon after and for so bloody long? Why are you laying on meals for them? And why the hell has he put you in a situation where you are pumping to the point you have an oversupply?

Please phone the breastfeeding support people/your health visitor asap. I once rang the helpline that is on the NCT website and they were good too (if quite anti-formula). BTW formula isn’t the devil even though it may feel like it right now. It’s always worth having a tin in the house in case it all gets too much, and it’s not failing to use it if that is your choice.

However the breastfeeding experts should have some good advice for reducing your supply (cabbage leaves are supposed to help!) and getting you back on track. As for his shitty behaviour in front of his family, I would just be calm and assertive and push back factually as you have been.

Sometimes (often) I read posts on here & I feel so utterly furious for the OP, these fucking bastard men!!!!!! It is NOT ok for him to dictate feeding just because he wants his sleep.

Do you feel able to stand up to him OP?

Who on earth thought two weeks after birth was a good time for this visit? Sister maybe. But random cousin and boyfriend? WTAF?

It's not often that I'm lost for words on Mumsnet but wow. I'm so sorry OP. I'd be incredibly hurt and honestly not sure how he can justify the way he handled that at all. It's genuinely scary and narcissistic behaviour.

This is absolutely terrible behaviour. In the first place who would invite their family over for 10 days when their partner has just given birt?. You need to get out of that house immediately with your baby and go to someone you can trust. NOW TONIGHT

What the fuck indeed!!!

They are all outside now having a laugh and eating burgers and passing the baby around. Nobody has checked if I'm hungry. I guess I'm just a cow to feed the child

Can you go and stay with your parents?

This is all kinds of wrong

Firstly, you are not supposed to express breastmilk during the first 6 weeks UNLESS medically necessary (which this does not appear to be). This is because your milk supply needs to regulate and it takes the first 6 weeks to do this. As well as this, night time breastfeeding is crucial as this is when your prolactin levels are at their highest. So by you sleeping during this critical time, you will do long term damage to your milk supply.

You are also making it incredibly more hard work for yourself by pumping and bottle feeding instead of just directly breastfeeding. The long term impacts of this is that this will likely end your breastfeeding journey prematurely as is what happens with when exclusively expressing or expressing & not BF enough.

Secondly, your partner sounds very controlling and I'd be extremely cautious of his sinister intentions to paint you out to be an unfit mother. I would be ensuring you seek immediate legal advice to ensure you are named as the resident parent and to try to prevent him taking your baby back to his home country to "give you a break", you may not get your baby back.

This is very sinister. Your partner sounds incredibly manipulative and controlling, and I suggest you speak with both your HV (without him present) and Women's Aid.

Awful. Really awful. I hope you have a good support network and can kick him out for a bit. Sleep deprivation does all sorts to even nice people but he has gone way to far.

Do you have another bedroom, OP? If so I strongly suggest you sleep separately for the first few weeks until your baby can go longer than 3 hours between feeds. It's what I had to do with both our babies many years ago now. Yes, I had broken nights, but our babies weren't stressed, my husband could get enough sleep to do his job properly (teacher) and I could nap during the day if necessary.This was long before paid paternity leave and he had to go to work as it was termtime.

OP - he should sleep in another room and you should just have baby in with you and feed overnight...his 'plan' is causing you actual physical issues

Go and get the baby if you want them.

Yeah, this is all very bad OP and every single woman on this thread agrees.

Is he Asian and you aren’t OP?

This sounds a lot like my ex husband’s behaviour, he changed as soon as we got married and I realised he wasn’t the man I thought he was.

Before we were married he seemed to accept me for who I am but after we married he became more controlling and I knew if we had children he’d behave in a similar way to your DH and try telling me what to do and involving his family.

I loved him but I didn’t want to be a man’s possession who had to do as she was told. I was aware of the culture of how women were treated and I didn’t think me DH was like that but it’s how he was raised and was ingrained into him so I was looking for warning signs and got out as soon as I saw them.

I ended up with another Asian man I’ve been with for 13 years who was brought up the same but has completely changed his mindset since he’s lived in this country (14 years) and sees me as equal.
I still won’t marry him just in case it changes him and his family have been a huge problem in our relationship as they are still in his home country and don’t approve.

I could be completely wrong but pp have picked up on this too. There is a huge imbalance in your relationship anyway.

You need to stand up to your DH, do you have your own family around for support? Can you stay with them for a while?

You are vulnerable after having a baby and it’s worrying how your husband is behaving, this has the capacity to escalate if you don’t advocate for you and your baby and set boundaries that protect both your wellbeing.
Keep an eye on these warning signs and I’d be looking into finding somewhere safe to go if it comes to that.

I might sound overly dramatic but my biggest fear was having a baby then my husband taking the baby back to his country without my permission. I hopefully have this completely wrong with you and your husband is just being overprotective and fretting about the baby x

Aw OP please stop pumping and contact local midwife, you should have contact details for comminity midwives if they have seen you at home. Or contact for the ward you were on when you had him as you are still within the 6 week period. If you can't speak on the phone, send an email. Everything he is doing is very strange and when he goes back to work he would have ruined your breastfeeding routine completely. Please do whats best for you and the baby and whats best for your bond with him. Do you have family nearby?

OP please find your voice.

Go outside, calmly take the baby, and address your partner. “Where’s my burger?” Don’t be a doormat. I know you’re feeling low and emotional but you need to speak up for yourself.

YANBU. I would take my baby and go to my own family’s home to stay for a while indefinitely.
so much of this is unacceptable. Your husbands accusations and shaming you in front of his family.
no one should have people coming to stay when they’re only 2 weeks post partum unless those people are cleaning and making dinners for YOU.
I’d 100% stop pumping aswell as washing pump and bottles is more work, plus you have to pump when the baby has their bottle so it’s not even a break for you at all. Most ibclcs also recommend not pumping before 6 weeks post partum to prevent oversupply and engorgement and mastitis etc

I’ve just seen your update about your DH’s heritage so a lot of what I posted is irrelevant.
You do still need to stand up for yourself though and protect you and your baby! x

Go outside and get your baby right now. Your husband is one selfish, horrible Cunt. I’m so sorry for the way he has dictated your postbirth experience.