Partner accused me of hurting our baby in front of his family? Am I overreacting

[Aristocack]

This has literally just happened and I've excused myself to the bedroom in complete shock.

I have birth 2 weeks ago to our son. My partner overall has been a really hands-on good dad and always steps in to help when I'm struggling the baby. This is good but I also find at times that he criticises me. This is both of our first child.

This week we have 3 of his family members visiting from abroad. They are staying with us for 10 nights, they arrived late last night (and I had a lovely meal spread put out for them) . I spent this morning upstairs with baby as he's been cluster-feeding and I'm breastfeeding and don't want to whip my boobs out in front of them.

At 4pm after me and baby had had a good sleep, I got ready (left baby in his bassinet in the bedroom) and then got the baby ready and was about to bring him downstairs when he had a blowout and covered himself, me and his bedroom bassinet in poo and sick. I got overwhelmed and called my partner and asked him to come upstairs and help as by this point our baby was hungry and crying. Partner took the baby downstairs to give him a bottle of expressed breast milk and I clean up the mess upstairs and showered and got changed again.

I come down and say hi the family and I was about to go and get myself a drink (they were having a BBQ in garden) and partner is feeding the baby with them stood around cooing. My partner calls my name and beckons me over so I go into the garden. He says "What are these huge red marks on the baby's face? These weren't there when I left the baby with you." His family members all stayed silent. I was in shock that he'd just asked that so I stuttered a bit and said "It is his nails, we need to cut them." It is his nails, they are very long. I tried to cut them last week but I was too terrified to cut his finger and had a close call so I stopped and haven't attempted since. I've been reminding my partner that we need to do them and that I'd like him to help as he has a steadier hand but we haven't got around to it yet. My partner then reiterated "These weren't there before I left the baby with you this morning." Everyone stayed quiet so I just sort of slinkered off to wash my pump as I have to pump every time the baby has a bottle.

As I was stood at the sink he shouts from the garden "Don't you think the baby was too hot upstairs? His face is covered in sweat." and I spoke back and said "He is fine, he is wet from the crying." and my partner said under his breath "Yeah of course". Keep in mind this is in front of all of his family members.

By this point I felt completely and utterly ashamed and humiliated so I went upstairs to pump. He's just come up again and I thought it was to apologise but then he said "Did you put the baby's teddy bear coat on when you went on our yesterday? I saw it out on the dining table. Isn't it too big for him?" and I just told him "No it's fine." and he left.

I can't stop crying, I'm really trying my best with this baby and he's just making me feel like a shit mother in front of everyone. The family are here for another 9 nights. I had been really looking forward to them coming over and showing them my baby and now I just want to run away.

Hes abusing you. Hes trying to make you believe you arent capable of looking after your baby. You are. Leaving the boot open is completely normal, the babies not going to be in the pram in the boot is he? Pretty much everyone has left their boot open at some point, I guarantee no one has put the pram in the boot with the baby still in it. Everyone has knocked over drinks, everyone drops things. This is no way means you can't care for your baby

Hes the one that drove off with the boot open, hes the one without the "awareness". Hes the one who cant cook mince, who can't cope with his baby waking at night. You need to get away from this man, get yourself and the baby to your mums

Get these fuckers out of your house and protect yourself and your baby from this absolute ASSHOLE. He is going to destroy your time with your baby. You are right to be anxious and worried at his behaviour, he is a psychopath. Go to your family, get away from him.

This all gives me PTSD flashbacks from when my in laws descended on us in our small semi house when my firstborn was only a few weeks old. They stayed 2 weeks over Xmas. I would wake up to find my baby gone from his Moses basket next to me - they insisted they took him to allow me to have a lie in. He was like a pass the parcel. I would take my time with nappy changes/getting him dressed upstairs in order to just have extra time with him. It was too invasive and really overwhelming for a first time mum. I felt like a stranger in my own home. It still infuriates me to this day. Luckily they didn’t come with baby 2 and 3.

I really don't think all the posts telling op to run away, not allow him to be near the baby etc are wise. I started off thinking 'what a prick' but if you read all of the op's posts there is more than a touch of what appears to be paranoia and disordered thinking too.

Op...go see your health visitor and tell her everything you're feeling. Everything going through your mind. See what she suggests and go from there.

Op i have read this all. I know I am echoing what others said but as someone who has been in this situation you need to message your mum and ask for the family friend to pick you up preferably today. He is manipulating you and this is abuse. I am actually really worried about you. You need to get out of their before he completely gets in your head.

Get in touch with your family.

Lol this screams you've only ever had new cars. Older models do not do that and I've had several cars where you can't see the boot open and wouldn't realise if someone was sitting in the back.

FFS! who puts a baby in the boot of the car! He's using every opportunity to put you down and it sounds as if he's enjoying it and looking for every chance to have yet another go at you when you're at your most vulnerable. Go to your mums, get the friend to come and get you, but not until he's out of the house if possible. Then text him and tell him you can't stand how unsupportive he is being and his constant bullying and criticism, or having guests in the house when you've just given birth and need some privacy as your post post partum, bleeding, and trying to get to grips with breast feeding and getting the baby into a good routine.
It's important to have this documented in case he tries to make out that you're being barmy. Really, he is capable of this as he's just a cunt.
Stay at your mum's and maybe get some counselling together and see if he can reset things.. though I'm doubtful of this.
Apply for a passport for baby without him knowing, so he can't do this and take baby back to Italy, or wherever he's from.
Going to your mum's will give you some time and space for yourself and with your baby. And once you're there, tell him he has some space to reflect on his appalling behaviour and apologise to you. Don't return until he can genuinely do this.
Can you tell us why you seem reticent about going to your mum's?

I strongly disagree. I think her head is spinning because her abusive partner has fucked with it in her exhausted, postpartum state, and she needs to get away to think straight.

As someone who has been in this exact relationship. He is making her paranoid from what he is saying. He is making her second guess everything. She is also going through postpartum hormones which makes everything harder. So if she has got post partum anxiety she needs to be with someone supporting her an helping her. Making her feel better and caring about her not this

I also think you should speak to your health visitor. Be completely honest about everything. They are there to help. You are at your absolute most vulnerable right now and you need support from people IRL. Many many women have significant physical and mental health issues so soon after birth. Forgetting to close the boot is nothing. Your OH should be double checking things for you (actually should be fetching, carrying etc for you)...you are sleep deprived, healing and have a mess of hormones going on.
And no, you were not unreasonable about the eggs. He did offer to make you food!

Oh he can fuck right off. He's a bigger danger to women than you are to your baby. You are a good mum.

I used to walk with my baby on my hip and I can't tell you how many times I bashed her head into door frames as I missed judged th gap. No harm no foul.

He's really fucking around here with how concerned he is. Funny how he didn't give a shit about making sure you were well rested to look after his baby.

DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR MAT LEAVE! Do not do this!!! I’m furious for you.

Please don’t listen to him - you are a good mum.

Not at all, she's coming across as gaslit because of his actions.

Agreed.

He has back-up in the form of his sister and cousin.l who he can speak to in a language that the OP can’t understand.

OP has no one. And she needs to get the hell out to be able to relax and calm her nervous system.

But why on earth were you the person putting shopping into the car?! Why were you even involved in the shopping trip? You’re up all night feeding a baby, running around doing all of the catering and entertaining. Honestly, i gave him the benefit of the doubt earlier, but not any more.

What he has said to you is completely unfounded and unacceptable. It’s not surprising that you are doubting yourself with the way he is behaving and speaking to you - honestly, I dont even know you, but I feel like I want to get into my car, drive to wherever you are, and behave like a mama bear for you!

I really do think it might be worth you getting yourself out of the house with your DC for a day or two, to get some perspective on everything - it’s incredibly difficult to think rationally when you’re tired, and when you feel like you have all eyes on you, and when you feel like people are talking about you. Please look after yourself, he and his family sound completely toxic

Dear OP, I do not post a lot- I mainly lurk and read, but felt I had to reading your post. There has only ever been one other post that has made me feel a pit of sickness in my stomach, and it was similar situation when a DP purposely got in the way of the newborn and mother and prevented her holding the baby for the first time. Please please listen to the advise here. What you are experiencing is abuse, and you are being gas lit into thinking you are the problem, you are not the problem.

No partner should stop you breastfeeding when you need to because it is easier for them, no partner should expect the new mum to cook for there In Laws and no partner should put the new pp mum on the sofa!!

The thing with the pram is ridiculous, no one has a baby in the pram in a car!!! He is using anything no matter how ridiculous to make you feel bad. And it is very telling when you mentioned did you not check your mirrors that he got annoyed because his argument is just insane.

His motives are sinister with no good intentions for you are your baby.

Please please please tomorrow go speak to your health visitor and explain the situation, even if you are not ready to leave they then at least have his controlling behavior on record. Also please speak to a helpline if you can, they will have no much advise and reassurance.

I know it is so hard and you probably feel.some form of grieve of what you thought your future was to the reality. But this is no way your fault at all, the only.one who is responsible for all.of this is your partner.

If you can can you get public transport to your mums?

Again, he is being nice to you one minute and telling you he and his sister aren’t judging you, then the next minute he’s not only judging you, he’s deliberately it seems, shredding your confidence.

Stand up for yourself calmly but firmly OP without making a drama. …..

Let him see that you know exactly what you are doing with your baby and that you know that he’s trying his best to discredit and demean you as a mum. And he should be ashamed of himself for doing so.
Tell him its clear that yes, he IS judging you and discussing you with his sister and then talking nonsense to you with his boring and critical lectures…you aren’t interested in his or his sister’s opinion any longer.
Ask him if he hasn’t got anything better to talk about with her in their cozy little tête-à-têtes, other than you and how to demean you.
Remind him that you are only two weeks pp. and would have appreciated some peace and quiet support, without visitors, in order to bond properly as a family.
Suggest to him that it’s time he asked his sister to leave as she’s preventing you from feeling comfortable at this crucial stage and is therefore no longer welcome in your home. Tell him he’s welcome to go with her if he prefers her company to yours.
Endorse the fact that your baby needs you and only you at this stage so he can keep his baby suggestions to himself unless they are 100% supportive of you.
Finally tell him he needs to pull his socks up and show more loyalty and respect to you, if he has an ounce of integrity and compassion as he you are very disappointed in his contrary conduct as a father so far.

tomorrow, pack your stuff, and leave. as soon as you can. This man is a danger to you and your child.

do not give him your leave. Do NOT. do say if you think you’re so worried about leaving me with baby you’d check on us at night. Lucky one of us is willing to wake up at night with baby.

do not prep bottles for him. He wants to feed baby, he preps. Do not cook dinner for all of them.

it’s a shame you can’t drive, is there any way you can get to your mums? Can a friend drive?

I think he actually hates you. Most people would give more care to a postpartum stranger than he is showing you. There is no love there whatever.

OP I’ve read all your updates and this is just getting more horrific. You should be being looked after right now, not judged, or expected to host family members!

There is no excuse for his behaviour, but it sounds like he has been like this for a while and it’s just worse now the baby is here.

I also worry that there is an element of learned helplessness on your part. An adult who has passed their driving test but claims they are “not suited to driving” isn’t instilling confidence in anyone.

This makes me worry that your husband has seen this part of you, knows you’re vulnerable and dependent, and is ramping up the abuse now the baby is here.

As an aside: I am not clumsy at all usually but in the postpartum haze I really was. My DP is usually clumsy but he never was with the baby. I, however, managed to be responsible for 2 small accidents with our baby. My partner never judged me, he trusted me, he just worried I was so tired. Equally I never worried about him being clumsy with our baby as I knew he would take care.

In those weeks after DD was born, I had never loved DP more. He looked after me, he did everything for us: fed, cleaned, washed, comforted me. He used to go without sleep himself so I could sleep longer.

At the very least, it sounds like there is no trust between you and your partner. You don’t trust him to care for you. And either he thinks you’re incapable or he’s pretending to, so as to upset you. I’m so sorry, it shouldn’t be like that.

This is awful. You need to record this and any other instances of this. He seems to be being very manipulative and is creating a narrative that you are not a fit mother. Be very careful.

This. Straight to the point.

You need to be strong and stand up to him then. The night time feeding seems to be all about him getting his rest but it isn't working for you. Can you sleep in another room with the baby so you are not disturbing your husband when feeding? He sounds controlling, where are your parents, do they live locally? You need support from someone who is totally there for you.