AIBU to refuse to share food when DH changes his mind?

[LiveLaffLurve]

First world problem but this is driving me bonkers!

I do not like to share food; I know it’s odd, but I cannot stand people taking food from my plate or being asked for a share. It has to be on my terms if I offer (which I 9/10 do) or if I’m done, I’ll offer the rest.

It’s not about having to eat it all or not wanting to share, it’s just something I do not like to do. I will happily share a meal if it’s pre planned and expected, but my portion is my portion until I’m done.

Every time we are out for food or shopping, without fail, DH will deny he wants something and then later take some of mine. It makes me so inexplicably angry!

In the past few days alone:

We stopped for a coffee at a shop with the DC. The DC wanted cookies for after their lunch. I asked DH if he wanted one, he said no. I asked if he was sure as I also was getting one and he said he was sure he didn’t want one.

When DH had finished lunch he said “how many cookies did you buy?”. I said 4 ; one each for me and the DC as he didn’t want one. He replied with “oh ok, let me know if you don’t want some of yours”.

Aka, I’ll have a bit of yours. I ended up giving him some of mine.

Me: “DH do you want some crisps to go with your sandwich?”
Him: “No”.
Me: “ Are you sure?”
Him: “Yes I’m sure “

We sit down and he says “oh I’ll have a few of your crisps to go in my sandwich”.

Same with drinks. Do you want a drink? No. Then will either ask if theres any drinks “spare” or just take a “sip” of mine!

Now this is a regular occurrence and it’s starting to really annoy me as I always feel guilty or that I’m being odd and end up giving him some. I don’t mind when I’m done, but not before that.

Today when I had a small bar of chocolate and he asked for a piece, I said no and I told him why. He had not wanted chocolate when we were in the shop otherwise he should have got his own.

I stuck to my guns and I ate the chocolate. He thinks I’m mean.

It’s not about money as these sort of spends come out of our household pot. He just doesn’t want it until he does.

AIBU to refuse to share until he gets the message?

My SIL does this all the time. She won't get chips or dessert as she's on a diet but somehow calories don't count when picking food from someone else's plate!

It's very annoying and YANBU. Tell DH you want whatever it is in full and stick to that. If he says you are mean then turn the tables around to say HE is mean not letting you finish your cookie/dessert/crisps.

This isn’t about food - this is about how your DH is exerting control as and when he wants it so that you are always expected to compromise- it’s why I get insanely angry that my tv programs aren’t as important as football or turning the bedroom light off is up to him and not me

Treat him like a child where you remind him of his answer when he wants some of yours. EVERY TIME

He will eventually learn.

In the meantime do not share but enjoy every mouthful 😊

im not sure of that. There are two very common explanations (for men) that aren’t specifically controlling and are quite similar. The first is your dh who just thinks what he wants matters more than anything else. The second is when it wouldn’t bother him to share so he does not process that it could bother anyone else, or it’s ok to bother anyone else. Pretty much equally selfish really. Which is why I’ve said to the op to explain it not as he’s asking for food, but as he’s choosing deliberately to upset her. Because not wanting to be seen as that kind of man might be a stronger argument with him than that even though he wouldn’t care, she does.

That sounds incredibly annoying and the discussion you described sounds like trying to reason with a small child before they're quite old enough to "get it". Very unattractive in a partner! Are you sure he understands that you've not just decided off the cuff to say no to one random request, but that this is ongoing behaviour from him that causes issues for others and it's HIS responsibility to figure out how to stop? If so, just keep saying no, and if it keeps up simply stop responding to those types of requests from him.

Or why don’t you treat him like a grown man and tell him no, because he told you he wanted nothing. Or tell him to go and get his own because he’s an adult who can go and buy crisps if he wants them later. Eat the food you chose for yourself, OP, and stop indulging this nonsense.

A great act of kindness would be the DH being honest about what he wants to eat so the OP doesn’t feel that she has to give away the food that she wanted, ordered, and paid for.

‘No Bob, go and get your own. I want to eat all of this.’

That makes it sound like he's a child who needs to be looked after. I would find that so unattractive.

YANBU, OP. Stop enabling.

Why doesn't her husband just say "yes, please!" when asked if he wants something, if he knows that's what he does? No biggie.

Absolutely - "touch my food, feel my fork"!

Different if you've had enough, of course, but for him to be waiting to pounce like a bird of prey is just too much.

YANBU but I can see why you appeared mean to him in the way you've gone about it. You gave the impression you were fine with sharing even though you weren't, by consistently sharing when he asked. Then you came down on him in a harsh way instead of giving him a heads up that you didn't like the norm you'd established and were going to change it.

If you're consistent he will eventually get used to the new norm and decide if he actually wants to commit to getting something in advance or just wait to see if you leave any.

It’s not an act of kindness to do something to stop someone being a dick.

I cannot image an existence where I begrudge my husband a sip of my drink or a few of my chips - sometimes we don’t want a FULL drink or a whole portion of chips, maybe just a little nibble when we see it - sharing is caring isn’t it?

Mine used to do this. I ended up saying to him, I’m going to drink all of my drink and there won’t be any for you, are you sure you don’t want me to get you one? He soon learned and either will ask for something, or will make it clear before I shop that he would like just a sip, then I know whether or not I’m ok with that or I’m going to get him one (I’m rarely not ok with it)

Then you say "I can't manage a whole drink/pudding/whatever, would you mind if we shared?" Which would be fine by most people as they ask for an extra plate or glass.

To just assume is very very rude

But she doesn’t begrudge him anything, she asks him what he wants, he says nothing, then she buys herself the appropriate amount. If he made it clear then she would adjust the portion size to accommodate. I always share, but it is infuriating when he says no to wanting anything then tries to share

It’s a piwer/territory thing. He’s trampling your boundaries. I used to live in a shared flat with a woman who would take spoonfuls of other people’s food rather than having her own plateful. It gave me the absolute rage.

That would drive me round the bend.

If he really did actually want some then he should have ordered his own portion and I would be telling him that in no uncertain terms. I wouldn't want him hovering waiting for my leftovers (there almost certainly wouldn't be any anyway).

It’s a yes/no answer

If he says no he doesn’t get anything.

Your Husband is being an absolute Twat with you. He knows this upsets you, yet he continues to do it. Not nice, and quite controlling.

Stop enabling his twattish behaviour, do not share, offer, or let him have any of yours/Children’s food.

LTB

Actually you should be having the bigger conversation: DH it seriously pisses me off when you decline food and then change your mind and expect me to share. I know that may seem irrational or mean, but I’m not doing it anymore. Just get your own going forward and - if you change your mind - you can save it for another time. Or you can go without. Because. I. Am. Not. Sharing. Mine.

👀👀👀👀👀👀

What sort of man-child puts crisps in their sandwich?