AIBU to refuse to share food when DH changes his mind?

[LiveLaffLurve]

First world problem but this is driving me bonkers!

I do not like to share food; I know it’s odd, but I cannot stand people taking food from my plate or being asked for a share. It has to be on my terms if I offer (which I 9/10 do) or if I’m done, I’ll offer the rest.

It’s not about having to eat it all or not wanting to share, it’s just something I do not like to do. I will happily share a meal if it’s pre planned and expected, but my portion is my portion until I’m done.

Every time we are out for food or shopping, without fail, DH will deny he wants something and then later take some of mine. It makes me so inexplicably angry!

In the past few days alone:

We stopped for a coffee at a shop with the DC. The DC wanted cookies for after their lunch. I asked DH if he wanted one, he said no. I asked if he was sure as I also was getting one and he said he was sure he didn’t want one.

When DH had finished lunch he said “how many cookies did you buy?”. I said 4 ; one each for me and the DC as he didn’t want one. He replied with “oh ok, let me know if you don’t want some of yours”.

Aka, I’ll have a bit of yours. I ended up giving him some of mine.

Me: “DH do you want some crisps to go with your sandwich?”
Him: “No”.
Me: “ Are you sure?”
Him: “Yes I’m sure “

We sit down and he says “oh I’ll have a few of your crisps to go in my sandwich”.

Same with drinks. Do you want a drink? No. Then will either ask if theres any drinks “spare” or just take a “sip” of mine!

Now this is a regular occurrence and it’s starting to really annoy me as I always feel guilty or that I’m being odd and end up giving him some. I don’t mind when I’m done, but not before that.

Today when I had a small bar of chocolate and he asked for a piece, I said no and I told him why. He had not wanted chocolate when we were in the shop otherwise he should have got his own.

I stuck to my guns and I ate the chocolate. He thinks I’m mean.

It’s not about money as these sort of spends come out of our household pot. He just doesn’t want it until he does.

AIBU to refuse to share until he gets the message?

This is on you. So, eat all of yours when he says ' I'll have some of yours if you don't finish'...

Also, tell him what you've told us. And that's it a non-negotiable.

He's probably thinkiing you buy things and he has to finish them off ...and it's now become the norm. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♂️🤷

I'm not aware that Mumsnet has such a reputation. Have you just invented it?

inexpensive/multipack things like cookies or crisps or can of pop I'd just buy an extra one anyway. If he doesn't want it someone else can take it to work/school the next day. Stuff like a whole dessert, or wanting a 'sip' of a drink, absolutely wouldn't share or feel guilty about not doing so.

YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE!

Please be this petty until he gets the message and stops being so bloody weird. You’ve asked him and checked if he’s sure every single time.

(Can you tell I also hate sharing my food unless in the context you have described?)

Best of luck x

This poster would sympathise.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5510598-aibu-to-be-fed-up-with-him-always-eating-my-food?postsby=DarlVader

I would really hate my husband constantly eating my food. It's not even about losing the food, it's just such a turn off to me for a man not to get his own portion and instead just snitch it from others; there's something deeply unsexy about it. Something about the phrase "I'll just have a tiny bit of yours" from the thread I've linked turns me right off, I hate it.

I don't know if it's because I'm from a family of ridiculous performative undereaters so I associate it with irritating self-centred antisocial female relatives who need to turn every occasion into the Look I Eat Less Than You show, but actually I don't think it is. I just find it inherently unmanly. Don't want anything, fine. Do want something? Be a man and ensure you get some of your own rather than cadging and snitching and then giggling like you're some sort of cutesy pie. Fuck off. Don't you know what you fucking want??

This would annoy me no end. He sounds quite childish...

Either say no or always buy extra, then tell him he’s predictable. Bet he gets annoyed at that!

Just stop asking him and buy him one of everything you buy. When he asks for a bit give him ‘the spare’.

You need to be clear “no I will be eating this, get your own of you want one. “

I'm having a totally different feeling about what is going on here.
I understand that it's v v irritating for OP.

However, what I'm "hearing" from & about DH is that, based on very old "scripts" (if you want to put it like that), he feels (unconsciously, of course) "not allowed"

a) actually to want and/or
b) to express a preference.
So he routinely self-denies.

He doesn't even, really, ask himself what he wants. Then, when push comes to shove & the rest of the family have their goodies on their plates in front of them, then, of course, he'd like a little bit of the niceness that the rest of the family are enjoying.
What went down in his FOA (family of origin)?

Was it safe to express a preference? In many families it really isn't.
Dear OP, could you, perhaps, see it this way? Be kind and indulge him. Read his mind and, because you know him, just bloody-well buy him the snack, the crisps, the cake. Be kinder and see what happens.

This has annoyed me so much I won’t sleep tonight! The taking my food would be bloody annoying but taking a sip of my drink….!!!!! Why do people even do this???? I’d kill him.

Fuck me is he a child?

Mountain out of a mo hill, he's your husband you know this man it's clear... Buy the extra add extra crisps to your plate. Bigger relationship issues out there pretty sure he didn't become this person overnight.

I'd have turned the car around and he would have gone in to buy me another one.

The thing this behaviour does, whether it is well meaning or controlling, is it deprived you of something. That is what I would point out. Of I were OP my rule would be that he doesn't ask for a share once he has turned down the opportunity to have his own. He can have genuine leftovers that will be offered when I have finished. Otherwise he can live with the world of pain that will come his way if he pulls this shit again.

It is annoying but in future I would just buy him a cookie or crisps anyway and not ask, just get what everyone else is having. I’m sure they won’t go to waste.

I seem very much in the minority here but it wouldn't actually bother me. Thst surprises me as I'm far from easy going.

I guess it's because DH and I generally always swap and share food when out. I always offer a little taste of what I've got and he does the same for me. I didn't realise we were that unusual.

Clean your plate so thoroughly he'd have to lick it to get anything off it.

If my ex couldn't decide which of two dishes to order, she would sometimes order one for herself and get me to order the other, so that she could have a bit of each.

Wear this

imgs.search.brave.com/z9zh0D7pOm0kStjJlox7McN1ZJhaGCN7-VF7fhJDTHw/rs:fit:500:0:1:0/g:ce/aHR0cHM6Ly9hY2Rl/c2lnbnNsdGQuY28u/dWsvY2RuL3Nob3Av/cHJvZHVjdHMvam9l/eS1kb2VzbnQtc2hh/cmUtZm9vZDEuanBn/P3Y9MTUyMDg2Mjk1/OCZ3aWR0aD01MzM

Just get him one anyway, if he doesn't eat it someone else will. I wouldn't even ask if this always happens just assume he will want a cookie or a chocolate bar or whatever it is. Dessert too, to the waiter 'Get him one too', to him 'You know you always want some in the end and I'm going to eat all of mine'. If it's not the money having a bit extra is no problem.

I'm sure it doesn't bother you because you're describing a completely different situation than the OP's.

1. I heard that men do this to be dominant. It’s why they always eat ALL of the leftovers in the fridge to we’re saving for the family 😫

2. In this case though, it’s easily solved. Just get a share of whatever for him, keep it concealed then when he asks for “a bit of yours” hand him his very own. He will be annoyed (because for him the whole point is to take it away from you)but won’t be able to say anything 😝

How did you feel about that?

It's just simple entitlement. I hate sharing food too and DH just helps himself. I bought some sweets I'd never tried and before I could he'd already opened them and helped himself and weighed in on how they tasted.

If his fork comes anywhere near your plate, stab his hand with yours.

OK, I know, a bit aggressive - perhaps threaten it?!!.

(Sorry, I was being naughty!! Ignore me!)