AIBU to refuse to share food when DH changes his mind?

[LiveLaffLurve]

First world problem but this is driving me bonkers!

I do not like to share food; I know it’s odd, but I cannot stand people taking food from my plate or being asked for a share. It has to be on my terms if I offer (which I 9/10 do) or if I’m done, I’ll offer the rest.

It’s not about having to eat it all or not wanting to share, it’s just something I do not like to do. I will happily share a meal if it’s pre planned and expected, but my portion is my portion until I’m done.

Every time we are out for food or shopping, without fail, DH will deny he wants something and then later take some of mine. It makes me so inexplicably angry!

In the past few days alone:

We stopped for a coffee at a shop with the DC. The DC wanted cookies for after their lunch. I asked DH if he wanted one, he said no. I asked if he was sure as I also was getting one and he said he was sure he didn’t want one.

When DH had finished lunch he said “how many cookies did you buy?”. I said 4 ; one each for me and the DC as he didn’t want one. He replied with “oh ok, let me know if you don’t want some of yours”.

Aka, I’ll have a bit of yours. I ended up giving him some of mine.

Me: “DH do you want some crisps to go with your sandwich?”
Him: “No”.
Me: “ Are you sure?”
Him: “Yes I’m sure “

We sit down and he says “oh I’ll have a few of your crisps to go in my sandwich”.

Same with drinks. Do you want a drink? No. Then will either ask if theres any drinks “spare” or just take a “sip” of mine!

Now this is a regular occurrence and it’s starting to really annoy me as I always feel guilty or that I’m being odd and end up giving him some. I don’t mind when I’m done, but not before that.

Today when I had a small bar of chocolate and he asked for a piece, I said no and I told him why. He had not wanted chocolate when we were in the shop otherwise he should have got his own.

I stuck to my guns and I ate the chocolate. He thinks I’m mean.

It’s not about money as these sort of spends come out of our household pot. He just doesn’t want it until he does.

AIBU to refuse to share until he gets the message?

The classic

@LiveLaffLurve
You say its not a powerplay but clearly he is baiting you or he would stop
Its a repeated boundary violation, he knows you dont like it
They know what they are doing always or they would apologise and stop

This.

Next time something like this is playing out and he says he is sure he doesn't want whatever it is, look him right in the eye and say "So, when I eat mine later and you ask for some of it, you know I will say no, absolutely not. Last chance. Do you want some or not?"

Then stick to it.

Two things.

Is he sensitive about his weight? So he says no because his sensible head says " I want to lose weight so I wont have a cookie" but then he sees it and his belly says "oooooh that looks nice" and he pesters? My mother can be like that. She is of the "being good" generation (she is a boomer, every single woman I knew of her age was "slimming") but somehow she always managed to get a pudding or a biscuit in somehow, as if food that someone else ordered contains no calories. Her favourite is "Oh I dont want pudding, I will just share some of yours". Not in this lifetime sunshine, I dont eat pudding but my sister will guard hers with a machine gun nest!

Or.....does he use the excuse "I didnt want it then!" in which case the answer is 'Tough, I want it all now'.

My husband does exactly this. Drives me insane! I just told him about this thread and he was trying not to smile as he knows it drives me nuts!! He’s pretty good in every other way so I feel lucky overall.

I have the rage on your behalf!

He's completely U!

I had an ex boyfriend about 15 years ago who told me he didn’t want any chocolate when I popped into the petrol station to pay. Then the cheeky fucker opened up the snickers I’d bought for myself and took a massive bite while I was driving.
It still makes me feel annoyed when I think about it now! 😂So no YANBU!
You have repeatedly told him you don’t like this behaviour so why does he keep doing it?

Right you need to also bring it up jokingly before the desserts get ordered or you will end up looking selfish and unreasonable in front of your friends. Say I’ve told DH I’m not sharing my pud with him today - he’s always stealing my food!

and maybe order an extra dessert anyway and then when he suddenly wants it, he can have his own.

That would really annoy me.
Tell him no.

Like Joey ordering 'fries for the table' as Monica suggested. Didn't work in Friends but worth a try!

Does he help himself to any of the kids' food, OP?

My friend did this to me… once. Stop enabling it!

Argh my DH does this with ice cream! “No, I don’t want one, I’m not that keen on ice cream” then winds up wanting half of mine. I now just insist on buying him one.

Other treats, though, we would always get planning to share, eg one dessert at a restaurant or one packet of crisps.

Its a repeated boundary violation, he knows you dont like it
Agree with this. You need to set out the boundary and enforce. If he won't stop doing it, you have an issue.

If this happens all the time, why not grab him a cookie / some crisps / a chocolate bar? Clearly he has little imagination and doesn’t want it until he can see it. Isn’t that just being kind to someone you love?

He's not six, he can get himself something.

As everyone has said, you have to stop sharing with him in this scenarios or he’ll never learn.

One last warning - “DH from now on, if I ask if you want something and you say no, I will not be sharing mine. I am buying/ ordering/ making the amount that I want, and that is the amount I want, so not for sharing”

And then say no every single time. You’ve got to retrain him as at the moment he thinks you’ll say yes so he has no need to engage brain at the time it’s being offered.

Exh was a bit like this especially with drinks in a cafe or similar - if I’ve got the amount of drink I want to go with my food, you can’t have “a sip” as it will be more than that, and then I wont have enough!

And do not be tempted to get him one “just in case” / buy him one anyway as he’ll never learn.

Of course he can, but what is the point of being in a loving relationship if you can’t do acts of kindness for each other?
I say this as someone who is happily divorced and a staunch feminist. I would happily do this for my child , a sibling or my best friend, because I love them.

I've heard this lots of times with it being the woman not wanting it then taking the man's, never this way round (Friends Joey implied it was because women wrongly think men prefer them ordering small, healthy meals!), and saw a post where the woman always ended up eating all of her husband's stuff, even after refusing her own portion, and he got the kid to video her doing so as she kept denying it.

Does your husband do that? As in deny eating so much? Because while stereotypically ED might be considered "female", that's not true, and more and more men are getting issues with food. The old if I eat yours there's no calories might apply, maybe support him getting help, as I'd hope a man would for his wife.

I imagine OP would be more likely to 'be kind' if DH was also kind and listened to the fact that saying no and then changing his mind and expecting OP's is irritating and to stop.

If DH loves OP, why won't he do that for her?

He's being a twat. Sorry!
Either just buy him a portion of whatever anyway or stab his hand with a fork if he tries to take anything!

Remind him that you find it really frustrating and get upset when he asks to share food, and it’s very unkind to deliberately upset your wife while out at lunch with friends. Phrase it as he’s a man deliberately upsetting his wife in front of friends, because he won’t like that view of it.

and don’t sit next to him if you can help it!

Just stop sharing, sorted. You’re welcome.

OMG, my DH always does this. But the kids and I have all cottoned on. He’ll say he’s not that hungry and doesn’t want anything and then the minute everyone else’s food arrives starts asking to try it and have some.

Do what we do. Refuse to give him any, and know you’ve done the right thing.