We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

How old are you both?

So you want his inheritance to go to the children? Why didn't the children inherit instead of your DH then?

Presumably someone close to him died. I think it's fair enough for him to have his choice.

But -- has he thought through what he wants to do after retirement? If people don't keep busy, they can deteriorate & age rather quickly.

I’m not sure age makes much difference as we have both saved for retirement @wishfulthinking25, however he is 55 and I am 50. I get he has 5 more yrs in the workplace on me (and who knows maybe then I will want to retire…) but we had both planned to continue working until we could draw from various pension pots.

I wouldn’t say all of it but yes, I would rather we saved the majority of it for our children rather than one of us (or both!) stop working and spend it all.

How old are you? What is your financial situation at the moment - money for uni fees saved away etc? What’s his job? - Stressful? Desperately Dull? How much would it cost to retire comfortably? Would there be any remaining?

Absolutely, we have been in a world where those who are retired/ getting close are often far more financially comfortable than the generations below. Often down to the fact they’ve benefited from a housing market that means they bought cheap and made a mint and now the younger generations can’t even hope to get there. So it would be wonderful to support your children. But too, that shouldn’t come at the detriment to you and your husband’s wellbeing.

What job does he do?

And in relation to the question why weren’t the children the beneficiaries, well that obviously wasn’t my choice!

@Cosimarocks we have paid off our mortgage so fairly fortunate. To answer all your questions I would need to see a financial advisor but is his job dull? Yes! Has he worked hard? Also yes. Does that mean I want him to bridge the financial gap for 10 yrs using this lump sum so he can do… I don’t know what? No. I think he should continue to work and save the cash.

I have thought about him dropping down to p/t but in his industry that isn’t really an option that is very common at all.

Sorry, I only asked as you said you were together 20+ years but kids were not yet at uni. I thought perhaps he was a bit older and felt like he couldn’t work anymore. But he’s only 55! I would feel the same as you to be honest. At some point, I will inherit quite a large sum and the first thing I’d do is ensure my children are taken care of (uni, house, etc) presumably it’s not a large enough sum that both of you can retire or large enough so children are taken care of financially? So I’m not quite sure why he thinks he can just take an early retirement and have no money coming in to support his children.

I didn't want to retire at 50. By rising 55, I am desperate to. Surely he can retire and you carry on if you choose to. You don't have to retire at the same time.

But who is supporting the children in uni etc? It can’t all be on OP as she’d be the only one working. I think monies need to be held for the children first and foremost, then, if there’s enough he can make that decision

I mean you basically want him to give it all away to his kids.

i can see why he doesn’t want to give it all away.

i have had an inheritance and I think it would have killed me to give it all away and have nothing for myself,

Assuming your DH is in good health and his job is 'fine' i.e. not toxic, miserably stressful or physically very demanding, then personally I agree with you.

Thanks partly to inheritance and partly the good fortune of having careers that haven't stumbled, we probably could retire now at 50. But it wouldn't occur to us, when we both are healthy and happy enough at work. We will absolutely be passing the inheritance on to our DC, who are likely to face a far tougher economy than we did as young adults.

Given his age I would think it more reasonable to compromise and he retires at 60, which is still early.

Surely there is a compromise - he works a bit longer and the kids get some of the inheritance but not all of it?

Neither of you is wrong at the end of the day / it’s just priorities.

Yes, I’m partly with you on this.

Cover uni costs in full, H keeps the rest. DC can use their degree to get a decent job and save for a house deposit, without the burden of student loans eating into the wages.

YABVU OP. It’s not your inheritance and not your money, joint finances or not. Let him figure it out. You have a right to have a say but ultimately it’s his call.

This is how I feel. In theory he could drawdown enough from the lump sum to still ‘contribute’ to the household pot for bills over 10yrs etc but there wouldn’t be a surplus to put into the kid’s savings.

I would rather we both continue to work (as planned) and tuck the money away for them. I get why people see it as his to decide but having had joint finances for so long now I feel that it should be a joint decision.

I think I would feel awful if I took early retirement based on an inheritance which simultaneously meant I wouldn't be able to help my children with university fees and getting an edge up in the world. That is not the same thing as giving my inheritance away; it's about sharing some of it to help the people I love the most in the world.

I think his idea is very selfish. However in order to compromise the most he gets is half and the other half going to kids. He can work a bit longer and still retire early

It's his money. His choice.

You see @cartagenagina @42goingon14 now the money is sat there in the bank I don’t think he can see himself continuing for another 5yrs. The inheritance at this time was unexpected.

Even though finances have been joint for 20+ yrs? I have no say at all? Really?

Life is short. It’s his money that was outside of the family financial plan. Someone made a decision to leave it to him.

I can (sort of) see your point regarding uni fees but don’t think working longer than you need to in order to save house deposits for your children is a reasonable ask. There comes a point surely when you can prioritise yourself/your own happiness if you’ve spent years (jointly) supporting a family. And you aren’t enjoying your job.