We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

Can he take a 6 month sabbatical from work and see how he feels about not working and the implications of it? Working is not just about the money imo.

@VivIsBlonde and @Middlemarch123 you wouldn’t want any say? Even after 20yrs of joint finances? If it was enough for one person to retire 10yrs early… you would be happy for them to spend on a hobby or invest in race horses or loan to a friend? You would say it’s his money? I just don’t get that.

Dh and I are a bit at odds about how much we need to provide for DD as well. Ours is a bit different. He did some projections and realized if we were frugal, we could likely leave her enough to create true generational wealth. I want to actually enjoy my retirement and think there can be balance.

As long as your children aren’t hampered by debt from their education, I don’t see why he should have to keep working just to work.

My friend’s dad died at 62 a few weeks ago. Life is far too short, he should retire.

This would annoy me as I would just expect both peoples thoughts to be aligned on it after spending so long together. I would see it as a cushion but then I would also be annoyed that you wanted to spend it all on the children so to me as neither one of you wanted the same thing the money has just become a burden when it could of either been fun or a comfort.

I think he’s right. Your attitude seems self-sacrificing to me.

The current age for state pension is 66 with 67 coming in within the next 2 years so he has 12 years of working age to go . If the inheritance allows that , then maybe , but if not that effects the 2 of you so he should take your opinion on board . Could be carry on working but maybe retire closer to his true retirement age ?

I think that his inheritance is his choice.
So if he wants to retire early that is what will happen.
It’s not the choice I would make. I have just inherited money from my mum. Well just waiting for the proceeds of the house. I will split it between me and my children. I could keep it all and make my own life easier but I want to use some of it for them. That’s my choice. (But also as my mum loved my children so I know she would be happy with this.)
I don’t have a husband. I have a boyfriend that I don’t live with so I don’t consider his opinion to be relevant really. I understand it’s different when you are married and decisions are joint but I still think that the person who inherits should get the final choice of what to do with the money. So even though I agree with you that your idea is more sensible I don’t think you can do anything really as it’s his choice.

Yes, 100%. It’s his money and his choice. Plenty of people don’t get any help with uni fees or house deposits, if he’s worked a job that’s made him miserable for years he’s entitled to indulge himself now.

It is silly to give it to the kids. Ultimately they will inherit when you die..why should they benefit twice and you and DH never?

The owner of the estate left it to DH as they wanted him to benefit from an easier life. Its not your decision to make.

It must be a considerable amount of money if he thinks he can live comfortably on it for ten years. Or is he being over optimistic. If I were you I’d try to persuade him to use it to have fun while he’s still working - some really good holidays while you are young enough to enjoy them would be my choice. Or perhaps he could take up a new hobby that he’s never been able to afford before. 55 is really too young to retire. It might amount to 30 years of him doing not very much. On the other hand I don’t think you are being fair to set it all aside for the children. It’s his money. He’s emtiltled to emjoy it. Who knows you might be able to enjoy it too. .

MyDH retired at 55 through a pension and an inheritance. He enjoys fishing, pottering around the house and does loads. It’s just a shame he got terminal cancer at 57! I’m glad he’s enjoying the time he has. We just don’t know what the future will bring.

What does your DH plan to do when he retires? Does he have hobbies? Would he work part time or do some volunteering? At 55 he needs to have a plan for the next (potentially) 30 years.

Owning a rental property doesn’t secure the passive income people think it does. There is more and more regulation that requires work and eats into profits. Your DH is right to avoid it he thinks it will be too much hassle.

All of us only have the one life. The OP seems to want him to 'live to work' simply to give it all away. How sad! If the bloke wants to use his inheritance to buy shares in racehorses or whatever, well let him have some fun from it. You're a long time dead

I don’t think I’d see giving money to my DC as “giving it away”. They are always my priority, so I guess I have a ‘what’s mine is theirs’ mentality with bells on when it comes them.

Let him seize the day.

I think you’re being unreasonable. His inheritance will give him some financial freedom and the ability to stop working. I think ignoring that and working to give more to the kids is unfair. Where think he’s potentially being unfair is using the inheritance to solely bring forward his retirement and seemingly not his wife’s. Now it doesn’t seem like the OP actually wants to retire but I’d expect an inheritance to be used to enhance both of our lives. I also feel like I have a bit more say about any inheritance from my parents and likewise my husband from his but we’d absolutely be discussing it together.

You keep saying that he may not be able to find another job if he leaves the one he has, but neither is it guaranteed that he'd struggle to find work. Nothing is certain in life, but if someone is willing to take whatever they can get, there's usually something available.

If he's unhappy in the old job and technically has enough to retire now, I think your best bet is to encourage him to find something different to do for a few years. It may not pay as well as his old job, but at least it's something, and it would demonstrate that you're not valuing the money over his happiness, which is how he may see it if you dig in your heels and refuse to compromise.

What you're not getting is ... that it is his money! It is his money. Not your money, not joint money, not shared money, not family money. It is his money. His inheritance. Not yours.

They're at uni let them support themselves using their maintenance loan and if that's not enough they can get a job can't they?

I do regard inheritances as a bit different from other joint finances. Probably because that is the legal position where we live and what I have always known as the normal order of things. If you have saved enough to have paid off your mortgage and have savings for university already in place then you are already well placed to help your children.
Life is short, none of us know what is around the corner, your DH may have thirty years left or may not. I can understand where he is coming from.

YANBU. Retirement at 55 is totally self indulgent and he will regret it hugely after the first flush of relief. Particularly when you are younger, working and you will not be able to do the type things together that make early retirement worthwhile. The value of continuing to work and being able to ensure your children have a chance not to start adulthood saddled with debt is immeasurable. Added to the resentment you will feel if he does not pick every bit of slack in the running of the household this is a recipe for disaster. Believe me I know.

My DH is 55 and gave up teaching this year. He had just reached the end of the road with it. I’m 59 and have gone part time this year, also a teacher, but love my job and happy to carry on. We have 3DC that we’ve put through private school and uni, the last is doing an MA this year. We can afford this and I’m happy for him to do the voluntary work he loves. I think DC will manage fine and we’ve done our bit for them financially. Let him enjoy an early retirement.

DH has started receiving large lump sums as early inheritance (DIL’s tax planning) and I see it as 💯 his money to do with as he wishes. We’ve been together 30 years.

He doesn’t see it that way and asks me for my views but if he was to turn around and say he plans to blow the lot on a Ferrari then it’s not really any of my business.