We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

Absolutely appalling comment.."i haven't gone heavy handed"..what do you even mean by that?!

I can’t believe he wants to slouch about whilst you have to work! That’s not a particularly attractive trait.

I don't think he is saying she has to.

OP clearly he is unhappy in his job. How would you feel if he kept going and died before he got the retirement he clearly wants so much?

So, it’s HIS, but YOU want it, to spend it how YOU want?
Honestly sounds like a toddlers reasoning.

And suppose you got an inheritance one day, would you offer that to him, or would that be yours too ?

🤣😂

As you've always done joint finances i'd agree with you it's not only his to decide. I will have an inheritance probably at some stage but any decision on what to do with it would be joint . And as we are doing well have good pensions I expect we will pass alot of it to children & maybe their children in time. I couldn't use it for early retirement at 55 while my kids struggle to buy a house or get crippled with uni loans.

I agree. I took voluntary redundancy at 59 and never worked full time again. I did temp work, part-time and casual over the years until I retired at 65 (the age for national superannuation here). I received an inheritance which enabled me to do this. Would it have been more sensible not to have taken the redundancy but continued to work full time, or to have found another full-time job? Of course it would have been but I have not one single regret. As you said, life is short.

It's his money. Your children are young enough to earn their own. He definitely should retire if he can afford to and wants to. He could drop dead tomorrow, as could you, life is short and we never know the minute.

Hope he enjoys his retirement. If there's anything left over it can go to the kids when he goes.

If you're also legally entitled to his inheritance, then fair enough, you can hand your share over and not enjoy it yourself, if that's your choice.

I agree with this. Yes, it is his own inheritance but retirement at the age of 55yrs will certainly affect the marital finances so the OP should definitely have a say in the discussions.

55yrs is young to retire, but if his job is causing stress or he absolutely hates it then using the inheritance to perhaps change roles, or go part time might be an option.Then he might be 1. Able to contribute to the household pot while leaving his pension invested and still growing. 2. Find a more fulfilling job that keeps him happy to a more ‘normal’ retirement age.

Unless you have a good social hobby, plan to volunteer or need to be a carer, what else are you going to do with your time while your spouse works full time?

I was made redundant from a job I had for 30yrs when I was 48yrs, really good redundancy payment. Was jobless for about 2 months and it drove me mad. Got another job fairly easy part time 22hrs per week. Was bored stiff after a year and left to a different full time job which keeps me busy and fulfilled. Still got 1 child at secondary school so hopeful to carry on working to see them through college / uni.

My DH is the high earner in the family and his work had a recent redundancy round which my DH was offered. Was a decent amount but he is 55yrs now and would struggle to get a similar salary role elsewhere. We both discussed what he should do. I’m the end he was offered a lower paid position in the company as an alternative to redundancy. Again we discussed it and given we still have a child to support, that he would continue paying into a pension as well as earning, it was a no brainer for us. My DH is itching for retirement and I can see him really wanting thisin a few years, though I would argue for 60yrs as a minimum.

My point is though that it should be a discussion between a couple. Retirement of one is going to affect the other so it should be.

I mean it is his choice really despite the joint money situation but if he was open to it a compromise could be saving it now and retiring in 3 years so you can save a chunk for the children.

I think there are various compromise options here: 1. Could he invest the money, do an e.g. 4% or even a relatively high risk 5% draw down and then get a part time job to make up the difference? 2. Or maybe he could work for even 2-3 more years, instead of another 10? 3. Or see if there's any possibility of an unpaid twelve month sabbatical instead of leaving his job?

I can understand your fears, and I do think that to some extent we have to think of ourselves as custodians of inherited wealth rather than it just being cash to spend, because the world isn't looking like it's going to get easier and some family money backing people up is going to give people a lot of security, and if you can get to the point where there's 2 full generations' worth of wealth floating about you can potentially secure the family indefinitely. But that's a much easier discussion to have conceptually than when you have an entire extra decade of work staring you in the face.

I think I'd probably try and encourage a delay til next year to think about it to start with and then try and work out how to have a conceptual discussion as a couple about what you feel you want to try and build as a family.

You disagree on what to do with the money. You either do what you want or what he wants. You have a say, but does that mean doing what you want?

That's not quite true in this instance though, is it? It's not a binary choice like having a child is.

It's a scale between retire tomorrow and never work again, and work another 12 years to age 67. There's probably an answer somewhere between the two that would work for their family.

YABU to 'want' anything from someone else's money.

Interesting...if you got divorced tomorrow, it wouldn't be considered "his" money, would it?

Whichever way you look at it, his decision about this money will have an impact on your joint finances, as it's not as much money as he would earn over the same period of time.

You had agreed to both keep working. I'd ask him to sit on the retirement decision for 6 months and review it together then. Help him to see that you understand it's his decision, but that it will also have an impact on you.

I agree with him that it shouldn't all go to the kids, and that he should use it to enjoy life. You need to compromise on your thinking too. Meet him somewhere in the middle.

Who ever left this money to your husband must have wanted him to choose how to use it. They could have left it to your children if they had wanted them to be the beneficiaries but clearly they wanted your husband to have the final choice on how he would use it.

Personally I would not want to take that decision and the opportunity to leave work away from him, especially as he will still be able to pay his share of the bills.
You say that you would like what to do with this inheritance to be a 'joint' decision but there can't really be a joint decision in this case. It's either what you want or what he wants. If he goes with keeping it for the children it means he's gone with your wishes not his. Only one of you can have their way in this situation. If it's you, I think you are setting your marriage up for long term resentment from him as he's forced to work on when he doesn't want to. 5 year age gap makes a clear difference of perspective here. You are just out of your 40s and still obviously enjoying working..He sees his sixties looming and wants to take this opportunity to stop. It's his inheritance. You can't both choose. I think he should be the one to choose.

Always had joint finances but when my husband inherited (big) I stood back.

his money. His choices.

both me and the kids have benefitted hugely from this money as my husband has chosen to spend it in home improvements and family holidays and cars that we all have benefitted from. He always considers us when spending it as he is loving and kind.

but I never express any opinions about how to spend it as it is his parents who died and his inheritance.

should he wish to spend it all on himself that is his business and I wouldn’t say a word. But he doesn’t - but that doesn’t give me the right to tell him how to spend his parent’s legacy.

all for joint finances in families in general but really feel inheritance unless specified as for you both is nothing to do with the other partner.

I have a life limiting illness and no children so my estate will be divided between my siblings and it’s my wish for them to do what they WANT with it and I’d be fucking furious if one of their partners was trying to stop them, pressure them or emotionally manipulate them especially when they’ve just been bereaved.

If I wanted their kids to have the money then I’d have left it directly to my nieces and nephews or if I wanted their partners to have the final say then I’d have left it to them as well but I haven’t, it’s going to my siblings for a reason.

Now don’t get me wrong, it siblings WANTED to give every penny to their kids or their partner then all good, I’d be happy and content with that as it would be their wish. Doing what you’re doing though is not on in my opinion and I’d be very upset as the testator, you had a say and voiced your opinion but the decision should be your DH’s.

It’s not just about what he does with his money - it’s about a significant life change which involves one person retiring five or ten or even 15 years before the other. What is he going to do if he’s not working?

What if OP has to cut down or stop work in the event of another change of circumstances such as a health problem or new caring responsibilities?

A child can full on support themselves lol

I agree with you OP.

DH and I are in our early 50s with DC at secondary school and uni, and I simply cannot imagine either of us coming into an inheritance and deciding to use it to stop work while the other one carries on. I would never do this if it was me inheriting and I'd be taken aback if DH wanted to.

It's not just a matter of being able to help your kids out while at uni or with a house deposit (although that is a big part of it). It's also the fact that he wants to be retired for presumably up to 17 years before you retire. (When are you planning to retire?) Rather than him working for a few more years, continuing to contribute into his pension, and both of you working towards a shared future where you can help out your kids and both retire maybe a couple of years earlier than you would otherwise have been able to.

Good health is never guaranteed and can change very fast. It's his money, and you shouldn't dictate what it's used for.

I'm thinking this too. Chances are he will get bored especially as you aren't around and after a break could look for something else to do workwise. Even p/t as that will give you both a bit extra to do things together later as well as a bit of cash to help children in the future.

Maybe even going as a couple to a financial professional may inspire him to change his mind. Retiring does get very attractive once you hit 55 for a lot of people as your body does seem to slow down but an attractive financial plan may sway him to work even 5 years longer.
Maybe set a more fun goal alongside the paying for kids thing as an inspiration.

That's another issue. Heard of situations where men actually do less because they are "retired". They also start getting old man personalities.

I read it as OP means she’s trying to nudge and cajole her DH around to her way of thinking, to get her way, without pushing him too far or being too obvious, rather than telling him outright he can’t do what he wants with his own money. Probably because he might tell her to sod off otherwise.

Sharing finances both contribute to is one thing, an inheritance is something entirely different imho. OP it’s £s not earned by you or him, your DH likely would have received it whether you were married to him or not.

By all means have your say, rightly so, but it’s nothing short of entitled to think that your say if you can’t compromise and work it out, should override what he decides to do with a sum of money that morally and unless converted to marital assets, legally is his.