We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

I would pay half their university fees and then retire. That’s more than a lot of youngsters get, and he’s worked for over 30 years and deserves the break.

Keeping it all is terrible yes. Expecting your spouse to share some of the unearned windfall they were lucky to receive, but did zero work or effort to receive, is reasonable.

It’s so hilarious how many money grabbing, tight fisted people are on this thread, who have clearly kept a huge amount of money all to themselves, and are on the defensive 😂 It is never a good look not sharing. It says a lot about people too.

Also, I’ve yet to read estate papers with a will that says, “The remainder of my estate goes to my son Bob. But do not Bob, share it with your lifelong spouse, mother of your children, your own children, or anyone else. Bob - please hog it all for yourself”

Funny that. It’s because most people trust and assume that Bob has morals and will
share the windfall with his loved ones.

Because it's down to the person who dies where thrones goes obviously

So the simple solution is to go part time. So he's contributing the same as the inheritance would.

You are ignoring the fact that he wanted them BOTH to retire...he is not expecting op to work whilst he retires, he wants them BOTH to use the money to retire.

Op is the one who wants to keep working OUT OF CHOICE. Her husband is happy for the money to benefit both him and op in them both giving up work

Op wants to work, therefore doesn't think her husband should retire yet either

Yes, very controlling.

The OP's husband is sharing it with his family - he's asked her to retire too.

It isn't about not sharing, it's about who decides how it should be spent.

That's what money is: options. And his parents have given those options - which they spent their lifetime working for - to him.

I don't understand, though, how far you are wanting things shared?

Above your reason was that it isn't earned by the recipient so it is greedy not to share it with another who hasn't earned it. But if that is your rationale, what about your neighbour, who also didn't earn it, and the neighbour's neighbour ...? Is there a point at which you think recipients are not being greedy?

There is no moral component to an inheritance that requires one to earn it in order for their ownership to be respected.

And yes of course, ‘tight fisted’ is always the cry of those that believe they should be entitled to someone else’s money. It is up to the recipient to decide if they want to share, it is not for anyone else to demand.

I sincerely hope those with such expectations are repelled, as I would prefer they give me a wide berth.

If you’re familiar with estate planning you will know that you’d want a trust for that, not a will.

The money goes to Bob to use, save or share as he sees fits to.

I’m with you OP, the decision to give up work should be a joint decision and something that has more impact than just money. How will it change how he views himself? What will he do with the time? Will it change how you view him?

it sounds like a life changing amount so could be earning a passive income if invested properly. Could he give at work and get a less stressful part time job? That way you both have the structure of work, but could go on brilliant holidays and have some money for the children.

I can’t imagine inheriting enough money to help my child’s future and spanking it all on myself until my pension comes in

There is no moral component to an inheritance that requires one to earn it in order for their ownership to be respected.

This.

Strictly speaking, it would become an earned income if that were the case.

Very much the same as parents who demand any money given to their child to buy a marital home be ring fenced in case of future separation.

I'm in the opposite position to OP. My father in law is a very wealthy man and recently made a distribution to his children from their late mother's estate. As I am recently widowed what would have come to my husband (and we have always shared windfalls) has gone to my children. No way do I expect my children to give me any. Its their money to do as they choose with.

Sorry but i think you're being unreasonable. Your kids can pay their own way through uni and save for their own house deposits. What would you do if you hadn't had this unexpected inheritance? If my husband had received an inheritance from his parents for example i would see it first as his choice first it wasn't left to the grandkids. Could you set aside a little for the kids? I'm hitting 54 and i would relish the thought of retiring right now.

One other consideration about early retirement is losing the private health insurance you may get with work. It's really expensive if you buy it yourself.

Absolutely pointless. Student loans have such high interest rates you basically should either pay for all of it or not bother paying any of it. The interest will still be higher than what they pay off unless they're immediately very high earners.

Average debt is £50K. Half their fees will literally only take it to £40K ish. With a 4.1% interest rate that's £1600 a year interest. Around £140 a month. To pay £140 a month student loan you need to be earning £45K plus. Thats just to cover the interest.

You'd be far better them taking the full loan and using that £10K for half their fees and putting it towards a house deposit.

By the sound of it the issue is really that the inherited sum isn’t actually enough for him to do what he plans.

It doesn’t sound like a life-changing amount in the sense that it’s so much that he can give up work and live on the income comfortably.

According to OP he’s intending to blow capital over 10 years which at this age is insane.

He has a lot of life ahead of him a significant portion of which he will not be able to work. He should be planning for his retirement not splurging like a teen.

Most people? How do you know that?

I deal with estate admin for a living

Fair enough, then. Plenty of room for conflict there. As an aside, my husband and I shared our inheritances with each and made decisions together. At the time it didn’t occur to us not to. Neither felt entitled to the other’s, it was just automatic with us. On the other hand, I had an uncle who pissed away my aunt’s inheritance within 3 years. Probably just depends on the couple.