We want different things from his inheritance AIBU

[NotSureAboutThiss]

DH and I have been together 20yrs+ with DC. Joint finances. He has received an inheritance that he wants to use to take early retirement. I don’t want to retire yet so will continue to work through choice. I would rather save the money for kids uni fees / help with house deposit and he continues to work. He thinks I ABU. What do you think? There isn’t really enough to do both so no compromise that I can see. His argument is that we have (small) savings already for the kids.

Dh and I have fully joint finances but in our family scenario, I’m the one who has inherited twice. Dh has never made any claim on that money. I chose to put it towards a newer car, a house extension and a purple Dell laptop (even though purple cost more - my treat to me). I discussed plans and thoughts with dh but it was always, always my inheritance. Married 22 years, together for 25.

The discussion could be:
are we going to be able to support dc at uni if you retire (context - we subsidise dd £850 per months for food and rent and that’s added to her maintenance loan which covers roughly half her rent)?

What will you fill your time with when retired?

How will we split household chores if I work full time and you’re retired?

What other luxuries would we like (eg holidays) and will we be able to afford them?

The conversation should not be you guilt tripping him and making out the money is yours.

The thing is, legally it is his money. If he keeps it separate from your communal finances even if you were to get divorced, you would have no claim on it. He didn't even need to mention it to you.

What sort of retiree would he be?

from experience: a man who sits at home all day ambling about, not doing very much, afternoon naps, but of screen time, tv, bit of walking would totally do my head in (and has)

DH back in work now but bloody hell I found it hard and I would dread an early retirement for him

For a more active person, who does lots in the house, cooks maybe, has active hobbies and leaves the house to do things and reads/studies/is. Clive, maybe volunteers or work on projects…. Fine

it is very hard to have a retired partner at home if the person is very passive and not taking part in life much, whilst you are still out in the world

in your shoes I might find it hard, a man just sitting at home all day, unless he is naturally very active and involved etc

If it’s enough to retire 10 years early, surely you invest it and take the income, not spend the capital, that’s crazy

is his job dull? Yes! Has he worked hard? Also yes. Does that mean I want him to bridge the financial gap for 10 yrs using this lump sum so he can do… I don’t know what? No.

Of course we don’t know how you are talking to your husband about this, and can only base things on what and how you are saying things on here. But based on that, I wonder whether some of the issue lies in how inflexible you are both being?

He dislikes his dull job, which he has worked hard in, and which has contributed to your already good financial situation, and wants to retire. He is saying he doesn’t want to carry on in his career. And, instead of recognising that, you are sweeping all of his feelings aside, and at the same time stripping away any of the joy that the money can bring (presumably a bonus after a difficult bereavement), and telling him that he should put all (most) of that money into his children and continue on in his job for another 10(?) years.

There’s no compromise and no understanding of the underlying thing he’s saying: he needs a change.

You sound like one of those people who I always think of as rather negative voices. What I mean by that is that you highlight the negatives against ideas but don’t actually bring any ideas to the table. There’s usually one in every workplace or friendship group, one of those that says ‘no’ to everyone else’s ideas but contributes absolutely nothing themself.

You need to give him something rather than just saying ‘no’ and only presenting him with an alternative that means giving everything away.

Surely there is a middle ground that might, for instance involve a career change or cutting back on work, while also giving some to your children?

It’s his inheritance, therefore it’s his choice of what to do with it.

we live in a house where do and I have joint finances, we have done since we got engaged however his inheritance from his parents is his money to do as he wishes, just as the inheritance from my grandma is my money to spend as I please.

im with your do, retire early, enjoy life, take those holidays, make those memories, enjoy every moment. Life is far too short.

It’s his money. He doesn’t have to share it. It’s his inheritance. As long as you won’t be picking up more financial obligation and he covers what he was covering before none of your business in my view.

We share our finances and I would also see it as a joint decision. Could you compromise - he works a bit longer but retires earlier and you also save some for your children?

Correct. Inheritance isn’t a marital asset unless the beneficiary has chosen to make it one. It is indeed his money, and his call.

Death of family and friends is a great reminder of our own mortality. Maybe he hates his job. Maybe he had stuff he wants to do. I would gently persist with the notion of buying a rental property. We did this and see profit as family money. It covered day to day uni costs for our girls, and when we’re dead it will be sold and funds split between them
As long as the money and expenses come in and out of the same account the record keeping is a doddle. Tenant has the numbers for our favourite sparks, plumber etc and we pay the bills.

My darling mum died in 2014 she left me with about £200k . I have protected the money,contributed £50000 mortgage and delegated £20,000 to my 3 children. I still have about £60000 left am still very much in charge . My husband agrees, because he would have used it on sailing and climbing if he had the money.
His mother is in care home costing £2500 a week 🤦‍♀️

I an 50 and would retire in a heartbeat. What a gift that would be to enjoy life without the relentless slog. Life is short. I’ve got so many friends who are currently ill, cancer and other. Who knows what’s around the corner.

It's his inheritance, so it's his choice. It's not really up to you what he does with it, or even when he decides to retire in general.

I’d want to know what he was going to be doing to fill his days. Presumably most of his friends will still be working and unavailable to do hobbies all week, and you will be too, so it’s not like the two of you will be travelling etc.

Depending on the nature of his pension could he draw from that pot instead at age 55? Then the inheritance can supplement rather than being the main source.

He can then still invest the bulk of the lump sum for the longer term. He doesn't need all of it at once so should be investing what isn't going to be spent. Hard to offer good advice without understanding the detail and how much you actually need to live on, especially if you're mortgage free. Working that out is the key I think.

I retired at 57. Husband at 58. Still had a mortgage and kid heading off to uni, and we paid their rent throughout. We managed. Dipped into savings to supplement income when we needed to. The kids will still inherit whatever is left when we go, they have LISA and we still put into it each year. Yes, they would have had more if we'd carried on working but we didn't want to. Kids are happy that we're happy.

Thats a good point.

I would add that if he has retired and @NotSureAboutThiss can't afford to (sounds a bit "I am alright Jack, pull the ladder up" but anyway) then part of the deal that he does all of the domestic work.

Washing, cleaning, shopping, cooking, changing the beds etc. Everything.

I am will to bet money that there were times when the kids were little that the OP did all that because he was working, so now it is his turn to pay that back.

Agree with this. I always find family finances quite odd and really unique (i am in my 60s). I have friends who still keep separate ones, which seem to cause constant negotiation, and others, like me, that threw their lot in together early on accepting that we would do the best for us at the time and in the future. We always pooled any windfalls, husband was made redundant at 50, we have 6 kids school age and the fees for childcare were big, so he swapped work for that, I had a really good well paid job and liked work enough to keep going. Some through Uni, some not (and helped in other ways). It hasn't been perfect. I think on balance, I think you have to think about yourselves first. Of course everyone wants to give their kids a better start, but it isn't always the answer. I never had it, and it made me all the better for it. If you have thrown your hand in to joint finances, I get the desire to use it well with a shared vision, but you have one life really, and if you are not careful you will bypass yours to enable your children. I hope this helps x

Yes, that's literally how it works. If you divorced you wouldn't get a penny of it either.

I think its a tricky situatoon

Really depend on what you mean for uni
Have you already enough for each child living costs above loans so 15k each.
Are you wanting to pay the tuition fees outright?
Are the kids already 15 or so?

But i think part of the issue is that you didnt know he would consider an inheritance just his. And perhaps if you did you may have arranged other finances dofferently. Made him contribute to savings for uni earlier etc. Because partly he can only retire due to onheritance and pension so should you both have saved more previousky for the kids?
I wouldnt necessarily be giving kids tuition fee money. But would instead give house deposit.
Even if kids dont go to uni theres no guarantees they would get a job quickly or be financially independent so could cost you both a bit there.

I do get the issue
as in a couple considering other money joint but randomly not this money.
Because what if it had been when he was 45? Or if you wanted to also retire?
But also with a couple 1 may never get the inheritance so the other could technically be off on 10k holidays several times a year by themself.
Or imagine if both have eldesrly parents but one has both go into care and the other they die with no care costs or even another siblong carws for them.?
If he invests it - i didnt see how much? But if 100k you would have 5k a year. So if he carried on working 5 years then the intersst could be enough to pay the kids uni expenses.

I guess the issue is he is spending it rather than investing.

Also some parents like op is thinking give money while they are alive - and for eg dh benefits then from money invested into the house so mortgage paid off early.

If you had known would you have put more into the kids name when younger for uni and house deposits?
If he retires and you are 50 you could be working 18 more years. While he is home but he may not want to travel around abroad.alone ..?
I dont know overall its pretty sad that
Dp cant just retire at say 60 knowing he has a good 10 years left
That for him to retiee early he needs inheritance
For kids to afford uni or a house parents need to fund whilst possibly still paying off their own uni.

My nan left most to one son. Only a few k to other gc. And around £500 to each ggc.
But as she was 90+ her own dc were quite well off already. The money would have made more difference to gc and ggc.

I guess were you going to start makibg savongs accoiunts for dc and their house deposits that now you wont be able to do?

Your mortgage free, surely the children will inherit the house when you die which could be used for house deposit anyway? He should retire.

Good health is often taken for granted and can disappear in the blink of an eye.

1. a colleague of mine was fit and healthy, mid 40s, diagnosed with cancer in January and was dead by July this year.
2. friends of my parents kept working in their business until 67. Had plans to finally travel, do all those things they’d put off… He collapsed at home with an aneurysm and died.

I understand your desire to help your children, but there are other ways to do that (living at home so they can save up, etc). I don’t blame your husband for wanting to retire and enjoy his good health while he has it.

It's an inheritence, so his choice, despite the otherwise joint finances.

However, it's an incredibly selfish choice, providing advantage only to him (and, by the sounds of it, diminishing what he will be able to contribute by the time you retire as will no longer be topping up his own pension?) and screw the rest of you. So it would probably make me reevaluate the marriage.

Of course you don't have any say it in..you're absolutely entitled to think you do. You give your opinion, but it's his choice.

Inheritance is NOT joint money..

I wasn't quite sure from your OP what you were asking.

Are you asking if him wanting YOU to retire as well and you wanting to keep working is BU? I think not.

Or are you asking if you wanting HIM to keep working is BU? If so, then yes, I'm afraid. It's his inheritance. If he wants to retire, I don't think you can force him to keep working because you have other plans for his inheritance. If the donor wanted you to choose how it was spent, they'd have left the money to you!