Found out I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do

[breezyb7]

I’m 34 and I just found out i’m pregnant with my fifth i don’t know how far along because my periods have been all over the place since my youngest was born.

I have 4 dc already:

DS1 (7y 3m) pregnancy was fairly straightforward but had to have an emergency c section at 39+2 due to his heart rate being concerning . He has a dyspraxia diagnosis and been referred for an ASD assessment and adhd and dysgraphia has also been mentioned by school but generally at school hes doing okay he’s very strong with maths and reading and is in year 2, his teacher is pleased with him etc he is just struggling socially at times

DS2 (4y 11m)was born at 35+6 a VBAC and he was in hospital for 12 days for various things but mainly feeding difficulties and difficulties maintaining his temperature etc. Hes extremely delayed, didn’t sit until 14 months and didn’t walk until 3y 8m, he has a walking frame (and a wheelchair for longer distances) and has just started reception and is struggling with tiredness. Hes still in nappies and he has global development delay, hypotonia and significant speech delay. Possible ASD and childhood apraxia of speech although no formal diagnosis. He only speaks with one word and it is hard to understand for people who don’t know him but he is in mainstream school

DS3 (2y 8m) was born at 37+1 via a planned c section, he was also delayed like DS2, not sitting until 14 months and not walking until 23m, he’s still unsteady and falls frequently, his speech is also delayed and changes day to day like he’ll say mum one day then not for a few days but he usually communicates by taking us to what he wants, pointing and has a few signs and uses word like sounds. Hes diagnosed with global development delay, gross motor delay and a significant expressive language delay and suspected ASD and concerns about visual processing difficulties and he has feeding/oral sensory difficulties around textures

DS4 (6months) was born at 36+4 via emergency c section for reduced movement and he was in hospital for 9 days for feeding difficulties, low muscle tone and problems maintaining his temperature, he’s got generalised hypotonia, gross motor delay and feeding difficulties and recently had an MRI and he has delayed maturation of the white matter on his brain, it’s immature compared to where it should be at 6 months but other results were inconclusive and i’m honestly worried about what his future will look like and what this could mean. He’s not rolling or sitting and has poor head control and feeding difficulties, he takes ages to finish a bottle and sometimes the milk leaks out the corner of his mouth

They have mentioned genetic testing for the children due to their needs but I don’t know. I’m worried about what the results could reveal what if it’s something awful and I dont know what it would change except us knowing we passed something to them all / to the younger 3 especially an

Now the pregnancy and my head is spinning

Before anyone says anything we were using condoms because I cant take the pill or the coil as it messes with my hormones too much and MH, we had discussed a vasectomy but hadn’t got round to it

I don’t know what i want from this post. I had a miscarriage between DS3 + 4, DS3 was 11 months and it was a loss at 12 weeks but i had to have an erpc and it was really traumatic and the recovery also was as I still had to do a lot for DS2+3 and i really struggled

How many children do you have?

Not have a fifth.

You had 2 others which it would have been somewhat obvious they were not developing completely in line with age related expectations too.

And plenty of these are identifiable as well. Clearly ops were.

Op - with kindness. Don’t have this child. And I’m a catholic saying that.

Read the OPs posts, it was obvious at an early age.

I'm sorry OP, what a tough situation to be in.

I haven't got any advice. Sorry if I missed this, but how much outside support do you have other than your partner?

I am sorry you are getting so many horrible comments.

With regards to the genetic testing, its useful because it can not just help you. If you have other relatives of child bearing age and there is an issue in the family then it helps them too.

My cousin and I had to have testing when our sons were born within months of each other with the same disability. It was good to know that (in our case) there was no underlying issue, just coincidence, but if there had been it would have informed our decisions going forward.

That said, given the issues your kids have I think it would be safe to assume that this child would have serious problems too and to make your decision based on that. Would you really be able to cope with another disabled child, possibly affected more badly than your other kids, on top of everything you are coping with now?

Take care.

PS I would also advise you ask MN to move this to another board either the one supporting parents with kids with SEN or the pregnancy choices board. AIBU is full of people who tear people down because they have nothing else to do. Sad really.

I would be considering;

if you’re existing dc are fortunate enough to have access to both the medical and social support they will require are you going to be able to actually facilitate various appointments, therapy sessions, school meetings for each child?

given your history it’s likely if you continue the pregnancy, the baby would need a nicu stay. Do you have the support and childcare available to look after your existing children whilst you are in hospital/visiting nicu?

do you really have the time and capacity to meet all of your children’s needs? And with newborn in the mix?

Do you have hopes/wishes/ambitions for yourself outside of raising children?

I don’t think you’ll get what you hope to from this thread.

I have a couple of dc, one of which has additional needs which aren’t as severe as your dc’s. Whilst they were younger it was easier to manage in one way. Now they’re going into the teenage years they need more support. I personally would hate to be spread so thinly.

I appreciate abortion isn’t for everyone but realistically you have to consider your children and how another baby would take away both time & resource for them.

Have you tried one of the clear blue tests with the weeks indicator on?
I'm sorry you're getting a hard time here 💐

Christ! Book an abortion tomorrow, this is ridiculous. Never mind the strain on your health and your "trauma" think of the strain you are putting on the NHS and the social care / public purse with all your disabled children.

@breezyb7 how do you feel about this pregnancy? Can you afford a private scan to find out how far along you are? I think you need a GP appointment for you and your H. You need to discuss the risks of another pregnancy and labour / csestion so close to your last one. Your husband needs to get around to being referred for the vasectomy.

Personally, I'd end the pregnancy. Realistically, you already have 4 ND kids a must be spread incredibly thin. You dont no what future care needs they will have in the future. I have 2 ND kids who are very high functioning and I'm knackered. I worry all the time how able they will be to live a independent life. Its a really hard decision and it will have an impact on your MH and wellbeing but another child is another life long commitment. You dint know what needs this child may or may not have. Would you cope in a worse case scenario situations?

Some of the comments are really harsh. Let's have some compassion here.

Call your GP. That can be your first step if you are overwhelmed.

This has stunned me. I simply cannot understand how you have reached this position beyond pure recklessness.

With each disabled child, your existing lives diminish. Thinking of adding a 5th to this is utter lunacy.

Continuing with this pregnancy knowing the chances of having yet another disabled child (possibly even more severely) is very high, requires state intervention imo.

Disagree:

1. DS1 essentially had dyspraxia and only recently got referral for ASD so all sounds quite mild.
2. Then had DS2 which is reasonable given minimal indication of abnormalities in DS1
3. Conceived DS3 when DS2 was approx 18 months. Developmental delays/long term impacts wouldn't be abundantly clear at this point.
4. DS4 - perhaps still felt able to cope at this point? We all know that babies and young children go through many phases. Could easily have felt she could manage and did not quite realise the severity of her children's delays at the time

I have compassion for the four children with various disabilities who may now get even less help as op prepares to bring a very likely 5th child into the mix.

and for the 5th child who if by some godly miracle doesn’t have a disability regardless of what op says will be left helping out or the forgotten child while their siblings needs always come first.

Head in sand when you’ve got two then three children who are not hitting their milestones. To then have a fourth crazy.

To allow yourself to get pregnant with a 5th. Stupidity.

The women on this board are being realistic and hoping the OP will have some sense to stop this while she still can.

I think you need to reread the posts and consider age and severity of each child at the time of conception..

The judgement on this thread is appalling.

OP, I can't tell you what to do but I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you - life must be very hard with all of that going on and now with the strain of deciding what to do with this pregnancy. Only you know what is right for you and your family. Good luck

Well that might have made you feel better, but it's of of absolutely no use to the OP. So, unless you have something useful and or kind to add, it's probably best to stick to the usual benefit bashing threads.

It could be head in the sand but that's common enough. It's so hard to accept that your child has a disability. It's natural think that it may improve over time, may not be as severe expected etc

This is exactly why I recommended to call BPAS because they give counselling. Don't think OP will though.

Doesn't make me feel better at all.

funnily, I think It's important to take personal and financial responsibility for our continued poor and reckless decisions in life. but I understand not everyone thinks the same. and I'm sure the OP was thinking of financial considerations when she decided not to use permanent sterilisation.