Found out I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do

[breezyb7]

I’m 34 and I just found out i’m pregnant with my fifth i don’t know how far along because my periods have been all over the place since my youngest was born.

I have 4 dc already:

DS1 (7y 3m) pregnancy was fairly straightforward but had to have an emergency c section at 39+2 due to his heart rate being concerning . He has a dyspraxia diagnosis and been referred for an ASD assessment and adhd and dysgraphia has also been mentioned by school but generally at school hes doing okay he’s very strong with maths and reading and is in year 2, his teacher is pleased with him etc he is just struggling socially at times

DS2 (4y 11m)was born at 35+6 a VBAC and he was in hospital for 12 days for various things but mainly feeding difficulties and difficulties maintaining his temperature etc. Hes extremely delayed, didn’t sit until 14 months and didn’t walk until 3y 8m, he has a walking frame (and a wheelchair for longer distances) and has just started reception and is struggling with tiredness. Hes still in nappies and he has global development delay, hypotonia and significant speech delay. Possible ASD and childhood apraxia of speech although no formal diagnosis. He only speaks with one word and it is hard to understand for people who don’t know him but he is in mainstream school

DS3 (2y 8m) was born at 37+1 via a planned c section, he was also delayed like DS2, not sitting until 14 months and not walking until 23m, he’s still unsteady and falls frequently, his speech is also delayed and changes day to day like he’ll say mum one day then not for a few days but he usually communicates by taking us to what he wants, pointing and has a few signs and uses word like sounds. Hes diagnosed with global development delay, gross motor delay and a significant expressive language delay and suspected ASD and concerns about visual processing difficulties and he has feeding/oral sensory difficulties around textures

DS4 (6months) was born at 36+4 via emergency c section for reduced movement and he was in hospital for 9 days for feeding difficulties, low muscle tone and problems maintaining his temperature, he’s got generalised hypotonia, gross motor delay and feeding difficulties and recently had an MRI and he has delayed maturation of the white matter on his brain, it’s immature compared to where it should be at 6 months but other results were inconclusive and i’m honestly worried about what his future will look like and what this could mean. He’s not rolling or sitting and has poor head control and feeding difficulties, he takes ages to finish a bottle and sometimes the milk leaks out the corner of his mouth

They have mentioned genetic testing for the children due to their needs but I don’t know. I’m worried about what the results could reveal what if it’s something awful and I dont know what it would change except us knowing we passed something to them all / to the younger 3 especially an

Now the pregnancy and my head is spinning

Before anyone says anything we were using condoms because I cant take the pill or the coil as it messes with my hormones too much and MH, we had discussed a vasectomy but hadn’t got round to it

I don’t know what i want from this post. I had a miscarriage between DS3 + 4, DS3 was 11 months and it was a loss at 12 weeks but i had to have an erpc and it was really traumatic and the recovery also was as I still had to do a lot for DS2+3 and i really struggled

Completely agree. Many of the people on this thread are horrendous. It's so sad.

People seem to forget that this is a pregnant, distressed mother who is looking for support.

Either you go to a sexual health clinic to be taught how to use condoms, you get your tubes tied or get the copper coil, or your DH gets the snip.

It's supportive to say that another child isn't a good idea.

Because another child, with the knowledge OP has, would be crazy.

OP knew that Child 2 had issues before Child 3 was conceived, but I daresay that fact won't alter your stance on this particular family.

Christ, I wouldn’t have even had 3&4 let alone no5!

Have an abortion. And please please focus on the ones you already have.

OP and her husband are a pair of clowns to be pregnant with a 5th child when they have got 4 other disabled kids at home.

While I am generally not one to jump to abortion as a solution for anything, in your case I would say it is the only realistic outcome. And you should not waste anymore time equivocating about it, but find out just how far along you are and schedule one in. It's definitely not going to be fair on that 5th child, even if they aren't as disabled as any of your others are. And it's not going to be fair on your other children to have your energy and attention further dissipated by another child. Oh, and your DH needs to get booked in for that vasectomy at the same time. I wish you and your children well -- you're going to need all the help you can get.

The only reason OP is distressed is because she has made several bad choices. I struggle to have sympathy for an adult when someone has put themselves in the situation.

I do feel sympathy for the poor DC though.

@breezyb7 what a difficult difficult situation for you. No one could’ve predicted this. Of course yoir head is spinning.
Only you know if you could cope with an another child with additional needs, should that be the case. They could be completely NT or not.

Have you had a baby with development delays?

In my case, I'm surrounded by people that say "it will all turn out fine", "they will progress fine with extra support", "it gets better with age", "there's nothing wrong". If you're hearing that all day every day, it can be hard to separate the positivity from perhaps the reality. I have lived experience with this, hence I feel that it's not as clear cut as people imagine

Blimey @breezyb7 you have A LOT going on in your life.
Honestly, if I were you, I would get a scan, see how far along you are pregnant and look into an abortion..
I know you have had a previously awful experience but this doesn't mean it will be the same.
How can adding another child into your situation help your family?

I would definitely get genetic testing done. This will hopefully mean you get access to specialist help but also know who are the carriers of any faulty genes which could help your wider family

Gently OP, what is the point of this thread - because you're clearly just looking for anyone to tell you this isn't a terrible terrible idea. It's pretty clear you're having the baby, most people wouldn't even be "wondering what to do."

You need to stop thinking about your personal wanting another child as a priority over the 4 children who frankly have enough to deal with.

You need a bit of a reality check. Hand wringing over a poor pregnant mother isn't helping anyone, because you are forcing your choices on 4 children who have absolutely no agency over the environment you're creating for them. That's who posters are concerned about. Because if you were, you wouldn't have had a 4th when the previous 3 all have additional needs so you're spread thin as a mother already. Let alone pondering the addition of a 5th. And I say this as a mother of 3, where 2 have SEN.

This isn't about you. Or at least it shouldn't be.

Madness. For your other kids sake, stop getting pregnant.

We can book gp appointments online if they’re non urgent like for 3 weeks to a month but for one closer we have to phone the surgery to book or write a message on the website for a call but that’s not always reliable as sometimes there’s issues with the system

I’ve never been offered my tubes tired with any of my c sections although only one was planned and we were talking about a vasectomy after youngest was born in march but we havent got around to it with DS2’s primary school transition and then DS4’s appointments we just sort of put it on the back burner and didn’t prioritise it

Posters saying you wouldn’t have had 3&4 isn’t helpful, what do you expect me to do, give them away? Send them back?

The coil didn’t agree with me either and it made my periods heavy and much more painful I couldn’t do my day to day things the pain was that bad. We were using condoms and they have been reliable for years bar when TTC of course and we weren’t using them. I don’t know how far along I am I only took a test due to having odd symptoms

What do you think you'll do, OP?

Was gonna ask the same thing tbf...

Only you can know whether another baby would be good or bad for your family, i have 2 disabled children (suspected 3 but never been assessed) and when i had an unexpected pregnancy (baby number 5, 8.5 year age gap) i did seriously consider abortion, but i just couldn’t bring myself to, she is now 2years old and so far so signs of ND but it wouldn’t have mattered to me either way, again its down to you- i am now sterilised- either way you need to sort out permanent contraception.

Posters saying you wouldn’t have had 3&4 isn’t helpful, what do you expect me to do, give them away? Send them back?

Perhaps grow up a little and think about them instead of yourself, so you don't have a 5th?

Just have the baby OP. It's clear you're going too. Presumably you're a mere passenger in that choice as well.

I'm sorry you have personal experience. I am childless, but I understood OP's thread and the timeline, and it seems clear that there were several indicators with the 2nd child that would make most people pause to consider very carefully whether or not to proceed with more pregnancies.

I tend to be a realist, so am not easily persuaded by "it'll all be ok". People said that to me when my DP was going through cancer testing, and guess what ... they were wrong.

I dont want to pay more tax for your UC child top ups or child benefits.

3 and 4 can't go back obviously.

But 5 doesn't have to be born.

I dont have any thank god.

OP, were you ever told,after your second or third child that you should think very carefully before having any more?