Found out I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do

[breezyb7]

I’m 34 and I just found out i’m pregnant with my fifth i don’t know how far along because my periods have been all over the place since my youngest was born.

I have 4 dc already:

DS1 (7y 3m) pregnancy was fairly straightforward but had to have an emergency c section at 39+2 due to his heart rate being concerning . He has a dyspraxia diagnosis and been referred for an ASD assessment and adhd and dysgraphia has also been mentioned by school but generally at school hes doing okay he’s very strong with maths and reading and is in year 2, his teacher is pleased with him etc he is just struggling socially at times

DS2 (4y 11m)was born at 35+6 a VBAC and he was in hospital for 12 days for various things but mainly feeding difficulties and difficulties maintaining his temperature etc. Hes extremely delayed, didn’t sit until 14 months and didn’t walk until 3y 8m, he has a walking frame (and a wheelchair for longer distances) and has just started reception and is struggling with tiredness. Hes still in nappies and he has global development delay, hypotonia and significant speech delay. Possible ASD and childhood apraxia of speech although no formal diagnosis. He only speaks with one word and it is hard to understand for people who don’t know him but he is in mainstream school

DS3 (2y 8m) was born at 37+1 via a planned c section, he was also delayed like DS2, not sitting until 14 months and not walking until 23m, he’s still unsteady and falls frequently, his speech is also delayed and changes day to day like he’ll say mum one day then not for a few days but he usually communicates by taking us to what he wants, pointing and has a few signs and uses word like sounds. Hes diagnosed with global development delay, gross motor delay and a significant expressive language delay and suspected ASD and concerns about visual processing difficulties and he has feeding/oral sensory difficulties around textures

DS4 (6months) was born at 36+4 via emergency c section for reduced movement and he was in hospital for 9 days for feeding difficulties, low muscle tone and problems maintaining his temperature, he’s got generalised hypotonia, gross motor delay and feeding difficulties and recently had an MRI and he has delayed maturation of the white matter on his brain, it’s immature compared to where it should be at 6 months but other results were inconclusive and i’m honestly worried about what his future will look like and what this could mean. He’s not rolling or sitting and has poor head control and feeding difficulties, he takes ages to finish a bottle and sometimes the milk leaks out the corner of his mouth

They have mentioned genetic testing for the children due to their needs but I don’t know. I’m worried about what the results could reveal what if it’s something awful and I dont know what it would change except us knowing we passed something to them all / to the younger 3 especially an

Now the pregnancy and my head is spinning

Before anyone says anything we were using condoms because I cant take the pill or the coil as it messes with my hormones too much and MH, we had discussed a vasectomy but hadn’t got round to it

I don’t know what i want from this post. I had a miscarriage between DS3 + 4, DS3 was 11 months and it was a loss at 12 weeks but i had to have an erpc and it was really traumatic and the recovery also was as I still had to do a lot for DS2+3 and i really struggled

This is so ridiculously irresponsible. Why do you keep having kids when your existing ones have this many issues? Crazy and selfish.

It was ages ago but I had a very good abortion experience (as far as these things go) with Marie Stopes

If you're early along enough you can just take the pills. Surgical is no big deal - one day like a very bad period then a couple of weeks of soreness

I am actually quite impressed that you and your husband find time to have sex with all your children's needs.

That should stop though, absolutely, until one or both of you have had your tubes tied. Can't get pregnant if you don't have sex

As others have said, it would be unfair to bring another kid into this mix. Even if you had limitless funds you don't have limitless time and energy as a parent.

My heart goes out to you for what you have going on - i hope you come through this ok

The autism referral for DS1 was only put in last year, prior to that it was mentioned but then I was told that he couldn’t possibly be autistic. Then by the time he it was put in I was pregnant and had DS2 and 3 already, what was I meant to do?

Really not sensible to continue with the pregnancy. Think of the children you already have. They are very dependent on you and will continue to be.

Didn't get round to it.....please do immediately.

Ok. You can do something about this pregnancy, though.

Dont have a 5th

I am actually quite impressed that you and your husband find time to have sex with all your children's needs
But maybe think about the risks?

All of that is irrelevant- you asked about deciding what to do with baby #5. You may not have been aware with previous children- you have all the facts regarding the 4 you already have.
Please do the right thing by your living children.

But you already knew before number 3 that 2 had global delay, and before number 4 that both 2 and 3 had delays and knew 1 had issues but didnt know what they were.

Termination, vasectomy (and abstinence until effective) and genetic testing for the four children.

There are treatments for some genetic conditions and if no “cure” if you know what syndrome you’re dealing with you can tailor support appropriately.

Jesus wept. Imagine being the midwife/obstetrician/GP dealing with this.

Beyond ignorant and rude.

@breezyb7 no wonder your head is spinning. I’m so sorry this has happened. I know this must be really hard but another child is just going to be even harder. I would welcome the genetic testing in your shoes but am not sure if it is too late to help you decide. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.

OP I think you know what to do. I have one delayed child and it's so hard you must be constantly exhausted. Their father is bloody selfish not getting the vasectomy. I hope it works out for you.

Make sure you didn't have any more …
You have obviously got multiple children with complex needs you really need to get permanent contraception in place and this extra child would not be a good idea. Also genetic testing is there to stop you carrying on having children with lots of difficulties you should have used the testing.

Sorry but referral or not surely you knew something wasn’t right before you got pregnant with your third and definitely before your fourth.

And also you do know now that all four have something and get here you are contemplating keeping a 5th very likely to have a pinch of something at best.

Stop getting pregnant! Are you in an abusive relationship? If not I cant understand why you are continuing to have sex when you know theres a possibility of bringing another profoundly disabled child into the world.
Why hasnt your husband got a vasectomy yet?
Why keep having children, when they are facing so many difficulties? Why not stop at 2 (surely you knew number 2 was delayed by the time he was 1yr old, so why get pregnant again?) Or stop at number 3 or number 4.
You say you cant tolerate any contraception?? Really none? Sorry if thats the case you need to stop having sex. What age are you both? Take some responsibility.
And how can you be more worried about recovery from an abortion than you are about pregnancy, birth, recovery and raising a disabled child.
What happens to these kids when you aren't able to care for them?
This cant be real.

This is neither ignorant or rude. Asides from the living situation (rented versus mortgage), unless the OP and her husband are very wealthy (which she hasn't mentioned), it is highly unlikely that they are affording 4 children, let alone 4 disabled children on one person's wage.
Wake up.

I really hate it when people say "why did you have another when your first born had issues". I am in the same boat - was a first time parent who was clueless, didn't realise the extent of the problem at the time etc.

Just wanted to say that I completely understand and please don't get brought down by some of the clueless a-holes on here

And I’m sorry my post was so blunt but I have been in a similar scenario. I had repeated miscarriages and children with some delays like you describe so we stopped as we didn’t think it was wise to continue having children. Those delays turned into significant issues and the teenage years have been horrific.

We use two different forms of contraceptive protection at all times (condoms plus non hormonal copper coil) as I haven’t been able to risk getting pregnant for the last 15 years.

By the fourth you would have an idea though.

Having another is different to having 4 more children

Stop breeding

I think you do know what to do OP, you just don't WANT to have to do it. Each child sounds like it is more severely disabled than the previous one.
These are the easy years. It gets expensive and harder the older they get with friends issues, puberty, hormones and school.

Please think of your existing children and terminate this pregnancy.

Is your husband abusive? Is that why he's not getting a vasectomy?

Could he be your half sibling or something?

Disagree. It's often not obvious when children are under 6. Often medical professionals say that there spectrum of normal is broad at a young age and rate of development can vary widely.

You clearly have no experience in the matter...