Found out I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do

[breezyb7]

I’m 34 and I just found out i’m pregnant with my fifth i don’t know how far along because my periods have been all over the place since my youngest was born.

I have 4 dc already:

DS1 (7y 3m) pregnancy was fairly straightforward but had to have an emergency c section at 39+2 due to his heart rate being concerning . He has a dyspraxia diagnosis and been referred for an ASD assessment and adhd and dysgraphia has also been mentioned by school but generally at school hes doing okay he’s very strong with maths and reading and is in year 2, his teacher is pleased with him etc he is just struggling socially at times

DS2 (4y 11m)was born at 35+6 a VBAC and he was in hospital for 12 days for various things but mainly feeding difficulties and difficulties maintaining his temperature etc. Hes extremely delayed, didn’t sit until 14 months and didn’t walk until 3y 8m, he has a walking frame (and a wheelchair for longer distances) and has just started reception and is struggling with tiredness. Hes still in nappies and he has global development delay, hypotonia and significant speech delay. Possible ASD and childhood apraxia of speech although no formal diagnosis. He only speaks with one word and it is hard to understand for people who don’t know him but he is in mainstream school

DS3 (2y 8m) was born at 37+1 via a planned c section, he was also delayed like DS2, not sitting until 14 months and not walking until 23m, he’s still unsteady and falls frequently, his speech is also delayed and changes day to day like he’ll say mum one day then not for a few days but he usually communicates by taking us to what he wants, pointing and has a few signs and uses word like sounds. Hes diagnosed with global development delay, gross motor delay and a significant expressive language delay and suspected ASD and concerns about visual processing difficulties and he has feeding/oral sensory difficulties around textures

DS4 (6months) was born at 36+4 via emergency c section for reduced movement and he was in hospital for 9 days for feeding difficulties, low muscle tone and problems maintaining his temperature, he’s got generalised hypotonia, gross motor delay and feeding difficulties and recently had an MRI and he has delayed maturation of the white matter on his brain, it’s immature compared to where it should be at 6 months but other results were inconclusive and i’m honestly worried about what his future will look like and what this could mean. He’s not rolling or sitting and has poor head control and feeding difficulties, he takes ages to finish a bottle and sometimes the milk leaks out the corner of his mouth

They have mentioned genetic testing for the children due to their needs but I don’t know. I’m worried about what the results could reveal what if it’s something awful and I dont know what it would change except us knowing we passed something to them all / to the younger 3 especially an

Now the pregnancy and my head is spinning

Before anyone says anything we were using condoms because I cant take the pill or the coil as it messes with my hormones too much and MH, we had discussed a vasectomy but hadn’t got round to it

I don’t know what i want from this post. I had a miscarriage between DS3 + 4, DS3 was 11 months and it was a loss at 12 weeks but i had to have an erpc and it was really traumatic and the recovery also was as I still had to do a lot for DS2+3 and i really struggled

Five children is a lot to handle, especially as they get older. If four have known additional needs, it seems quite likely any further baby may also have additional needs. I would not have a fifth baby in this position, but it is your choide.

Definitely get whatever genetic tests and screening you are being offered - it may help with diagnosing and getting early treatment for your younger kids.

Unless you have a very low IQ, then school will have taught basic genetics. It is widely known that ASD and autism have genetic risk factors. You have 4 children and by child 3 you knew the risk was high and chose to carry on. You made a choice.

Mn is generally a mix of harsh and supportive, hilarious and sad etc
But when someone has already got four SEN (likely related genetic issues) kids and then is accidentally is pregnant with a fifth no one is going to cheer that.

I’ve got two, both with SEN (now adults and independent). Two was plenty hard enough.

I would terminate.

i have had a medical abortion at 5 weeks , it was just like a heavy period , minimal pain . I did however struggle with my decision as In between my children I had several miscarriages.

A year on I know I made the right choice .

Respectfully OP, most people do not choose 5 children even without any disabilities because it is incredibly hard work and expensive.
In your situation with 4 disabled children, the odds of which there is no genetic link is astronomical, I personally feel it would be wrong to have a 5th on that basis alone.
Never mind the fact that I'm assuming the state are supporting you to some degree already. You didn't choose your children to have a disability, but you would be choosing to add another child to the mix, already noting that you yourself cannot work and provide due to their high needs.
I should also add that you could be the most phenomenal parent in the world, but with this level of need you and your husband must be spreading yourself incredibly thin trying to meet everybody's needs. Would it, deep down, be fair to add a 5th on your existing children?
I'm totally pro choice, but the above is my personal opinion.

Whatever you decide to do about this pregnancy, you owe it to your children to get the genetic testing, your attitude of not wanting to know if "we may have passed something on" will not help them, at all.

Your husband also needs a vasectomy stat.

I was going to say exactly the same thing!

I am going to be extremely blunt here but short term pain for long term gain.

I'm not telling you what you should or shouldn't do, it is your life and your family and you should do what you want and can manage, however, if the prospect of an abortion is hinging on the possibility of pain and trauma but otherwise you think it would be best to stick to your existing 4 children then you need to understand an abortion is a very short period compared to 18 plus years of potentially caring for another likely medically complex child.

It is traumatic, so find your voice and find out what support they can offer you both before and after the procedure.

Honestly OP there’s no way I’d continue with this pregnancy if I were you- even if you are too far along for an abortion to just be tablets it is still far less complex than having another baby with your current children & the history of your deliveries, plus the strong likelihood of a genetic cause meaning another child with complex needs and delays.

I can’t actually think of one reason in your shoes to add another

• pregnancy
• potentially emergency & risky delivery
• with 4 existing children with complex needs
• to add another child likely with the same needx

Second this 👏

You found yourself pregnant? Like it’s some kind of mystery to you how that could have happened, after already having four children?

and mine

Well, by at least child 3 she had an idea of the additional needs and still carried on conceiving...

A PP asked the question whether you and your OH are related. I don't think it's been answered but would shed a lot of light if confirmed.

No sorry I wouldn't. There is something genetic occurring that is out of your control. Your other DC need all your time.

OP the difficulty here is you don't really have a choice. Ignoring some of the harsh and presumptuous posts here, DC3 having mobility and communication difficulties should of indicated you have some genetic mutation, I know it seems harsh to think of being something possibly 12 weeks pregnant and having to terminate, but nobody wants to be disabled and nobody (you included) wants their child to be disabled. Irrespective of your working, financial, living and even needs of your other children you know there is an almost 100% chance this baby will also be disabled. It's not fair on that baby or the ones you already have, let alone whether you could actually manage physically or mentally.

Genetic tests are extremely hard to get so if you can do it, do it. It's important to know what therapies may be accessible to them, and to know what risks their condition/s may have.
It's okay to have the termination, and it's okay to feel sad and not really want that in different circumstances.

If there was any part of me considering keeping it id have the genetic testing 1st.

Ultimately there isnt a right thing to do, only you know how much more you could handle. Id defo book that vasectomy and consider a copper coil

Why on earth are people meant to be supportive of here?

There must be some cultural or religious reason the op keeps having more disabled children and seems let’s face it to want to add a 5th but hasn’t gone for genetic testing yet.

Its pretty clear after two that there likely a something one or both of you carry or you just don’t gel genetically together, or are closely related by a few generations, by 3 and 4 it’s just sticking fingers in ears and going lalaalalalala can’t hear you to the issue.

This doesn’t benefit your children to keep pushing more and more disabled siblings onto them.

I've had a DNC it was OK.
I've also had a miscarriage and the DNC was easier to manage.

OP, is your GP's surgery one where you can book an appointment online or is it one where you need to speak to them to book?

I think that the most important thing is to see one of the GPs as soon as possible, hopefully Monday, so that you have all the info you need and a full range of options.

It's absolutely your choice, but life won't get easier as it is, so think about it before adding another.

Its hard for people to see your post. You have had disabled child after disabled child and somehow expecting a different outcome.

By the time you got pregnant with the 3rd you would have known about the 1st issues and the 2nd child's global development delay.

People simply don't understand how after the second you thought any more children were a good idea, never mind ending up pregnant with a 5th baby. It's been clear for several pregnancies something about the combination of genetics doesn't have a good outcome.

Posts like this make me really angry.
I'm sure a lot of people are holding back on what they actually want to say.

You'll have to have a scan to find out gestation, which is traumatic if you're considering an abortion