Found out I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do

[breezyb7]

I’m 34 and I just found out i’m pregnant with my fifth i don’t know how far along because my periods have been all over the place since my youngest was born.

I have 4 dc already:

DS1 (7y 3m) pregnancy was fairly straightforward but had to have an emergency c section at 39+2 due to his heart rate being concerning . He has a dyspraxia diagnosis and been referred for an ASD assessment and adhd and dysgraphia has also been mentioned by school but generally at school hes doing okay he’s very strong with maths and reading and is in year 2, his teacher is pleased with him etc he is just struggling socially at times

DS2 (4y 11m)was born at 35+6 a VBAC and he was in hospital for 12 days for various things but mainly feeding difficulties and difficulties maintaining his temperature etc. Hes extremely delayed, didn’t sit until 14 months and didn’t walk until 3y 8m, he has a walking frame (and a wheelchair for longer distances) and has just started reception and is struggling with tiredness. Hes still in nappies and he has global development delay, hypotonia and significant speech delay. Possible ASD and childhood apraxia of speech although no formal diagnosis. He only speaks with one word and it is hard to understand for people who don’t know him but he is in mainstream school

DS3 (2y 8m) was born at 37+1 via a planned c section, he was also delayed like DS2, not sitting until 14 months and not walking until 23m, he’s still unsteady and falls frequently, his speech is also delayed and changes day to day like he’ll say mum one day then not for a few days but he usually communicates by taking us to what he wants, pointing and has a few signs and uses word like sounds. Hes diagnosed with global development delay, gross motor delay and a significant expressive language delay and suspected ASD and concerns about visual processing difficulties and he has feeding/oral sensory difficulties around textures

DS4 (6months) was born at 36+4 via emergency c section for reduced movement and he was in hospital for 9 days for feeding difficulties, low muscle tone and problems maintaining his temperature, he’s got generalised hypotonia, gross motor delay and feeding difficulties and recently had an MRI and he has delayed maturation of the white matter on his brain, it’s immature compared to where it should be at 6 months but other results were inconclusive and i’m honestly worried about what his future will look like and what this could mean. He’s not rolling or sitting and has poor head control and feeding difficulties, he takes ages to finish a bottle and sometimes the milk leaks out the corner of his mouth

They have mentioned genetic testing for the children due to their needs but I don’t know. I’m worried about what the results could reveal what if it’s something awful and I dont know what it would change except us knowing we passed something to them all / to the younger 3 especially an

Now the pregnancy and my head is spinning

Before anyone says anything we were using condoms because I cant take the pill or the coil as it messes with my hormones too much and MH, we had discussed a vasectomy but hadn’t got round to it

I don’t know what i want from this post. I had a miscarriage between DS3 + 4, DS3 was 11 months and it was a loss at 12 weeks but i had to have an erpc and it was really traumatic and the recovery also was as I still had to do a lot for DS2+3 and i really struggled

You are unlikely to have a child who is not disabled based on your history.

Re testing them for what they have wont change what they have, but it will probably make your life easier

I would get my tubes tied and dh a vasectomy if I were you.

Same....ffs

OP, this is really hard. My heart goes out you.

What a lot you have on your plate @breezyb7 Im concerned about you and your DH managing your children and yet still have time for you esp as they grow up.

Ref this pregnancy, i hope you caught it early and can decide what to do. I personally wouldnt keep it.

Sending big hugs.

DH works, I don’t because i’m a carer for DS2 (well all of them obviously but i only get carers for him), I only claim DLA for DS2, going through a tribunal for DS1 but he’ll likely get the lowest rate if at all

you’ve made a lot of assumptions out of very little information.

I got to the paragraph about you 2nd and it was already a no way from me.
And then it kept going!

What an odd reaction. I don't feel pity at all. I actually feel quite angry.

Assuming you/DH are working full time and caring for your existing children I am surprised you had the energy for sex. Perhaps if contraception is so unreliable it might be best to abstain completely until you can take more permanent measures (tubes tied/vasectomy...ideally both).
I think you would be crazy to have another (almost assuredly) disabled child under the circumstances but that's up to you.

I have been more restrained than usual on this thread, as I have been called ableist on another thread!

Also, I think the OP will likely benefit from professional help more than me giving my opinions.

Termination then and book him in for the snip right now and honestly if you are that fertile that confirm don’t work then abstain from penetration. I am in theory highly fertile as I’ve been pregnant 3 times (all planned, 1 mc) anc every time I got pregnant first try. However the waiting list for the snip is 18 months and we’ve just been using condoms for a year and never gotten pregnant. Condoms are also 98-99% affected so I don’t think you are using them right. You don’t say how many of your dc were planned but 6 pregnancies in 7 years is a bit wild.
also as someone who undergone genetic testing and their child has been diagnosed I can promise you it’s devastating. In my case my husband and I were both negative and it was just one of those one and million cases and I still feel awful. You have 3 children showing the same conditions so the fact it’s genetic is very likely and you are considering doing it to another child. I am 1000% in the believe that you shouldn’t have a child if you cannot accept the fact they might have physical or mental difficulties. However knowing you could pass those things on to a child and then deciding to have one anyway is a different moral ballgame for me

It's a reasonable assumption that one or both of you don't work outside the home if you have 4 disabled children. As you have now confirmed this is the case, it is also reasonable to assume that your income is topped up by universal credit and your rent paid (do forgive me if you have a mortgage and have to pay this yourself) and with each additional child you have you get up to an extra 3k a year in UC, not even starting on disability payments.

It's so unfortunate when both parents work they don't get payrises with each child born. but no matter. people who work and can't get benefits tend to be a little more sensible in their contraception.

As your 4 DCs are disabled it is not unreasonable to assume you are in receipt of or you are in the process of getting them child disability payment/carers allowance etc.

OP had multiple opportunities to be sterilised during her C sections.
Not like they didn't know condoms seemingly don't work, and each new child is more disabled than the last.
Both of them have been careless. It's time they both thought of their existing children and sorted their contraception. Permanently.

I would normally light heartedly remark along these lines but under such complicated circumstances I just felt it wouldn't be appropriate.

No one in their right mind knowing they have potentially four disabled DC would willingly try for another...

Oh op. Please sort your contraception! Terminate this pregnancy for the sake of your existing children. It’s only going to get harder not easier as your current kids get older. Frankly stopping at two would have been a lot fairer to your older kids than continuing to have children.

God I wish i hadn’t posted now, i’m being accused of trying for a girl, not using condoms properly (how?), not accepting having a disabled child, being a troll and all sorts. I thought mn was supposed to be supportive

Yep. I was offered it on my second c section. They’re both completely irresponsible. Not that I’d have the energy for sex with all those kids.

You need to find out how far along you are immediately before choices are removed from you.

For me, with 4 healthy children at such young ages a 5th would be hard work.
With the difficulties you already face i could not even consider this.
Time, costs, bedrooms, cars, DP working full time so I guess most of the work falls to you. You literally will have no life and will be spread to thin to care for the children you have already.

See the GP asap
Send DH for the snip.
Stop having sex until you know more children are not possible.

I would imagine that there is some genetic link to the disabilities you've mentioned, and it would be horribly unkind to add another child to the ones you already have. You already have 4 children who may never leave home....

I’m not normally one to suggest abortion but in these circumstances I would.
And fgs have him sign up for “the snip”.
I think given the difficulties of your first two or three you’ve been irresponsible not making more of an effort not to get pregnant again.
I feel bad about being so blunt but I suspect your health professionals will be thinking same although perhaps not out loud!

I am worry to sound so brutal, but your children definitely have genetic issues that you two have passed on them. Having 4 children with developmental delays is not by coincidence it is genetic. ADHD, autism and cognitive delay are very heritable and chances are if you keep the 5th they will have the exact same issues.

Most people don't have 5 children when none of them have additional needs, because it's bloody hard work and incredibly expensive. You already have 4 who have needs so significant you are unable to work, and even if the 5th is born with no additional needs at all when is there time for them with the huge amount of resource it must take to raise the other 4? You need to have a termination and you need to not have sex with your husband until he has had a vasectomy and he's had the testing to show it's worked

Just call BPAS, the number for which I posted above. They will tell you how far along you are and give you good advice and gentle counselling. AIBU is not the right place.

OP women have fought for the right to abortion in large part to give women in your situation the option to not make your and your family's life harder.

It is, of course, your choice. i will only say, in much less difficult circumstances than yours, when I had my own abortion, and later when I had a reduction from triplets to twins, the vast overpowering emotion was relief. And still, every time I look back, I can only be glad I made those decisions.