Found out I’m pregnant again and I don’t know what to do

[breezyb7]

I’m 34 and I just found out i’m pregnant with my fifth i don’t know how far along because my periods have been all over the place since my youngest was born.

I have 4 dc already:

DS1 (7y 3m) pregnancy was fairly straightforward but had to have an emergency c section at 39+2 due to his heart rate being concerning . He has a dyspraxia diagnosis and been referred for an ASD assessment and adhd and dysgraphia has also been mentioned by school but generally at school hes doing okay he’s very strong with maths and reading and is in year 2, his teacher is pleased with him etc he is just struggling socially at times

DS2 (4y 11m)was born at 35+6 a VBAC and he was in hospital for 12 days for various things but mainly feeding difficulties and difficulties maintaining his temperature etc. Hes extremely delayed, didn’t sit until 14 months and didn’t walk until 3y 8m, he has a walking frame (and a wheelchair for longer distances) and has just started reception and is struggling with tiredness. Hes still in nappies and he has global development delay, hypotonia and significant speech delay. Possible ASD and childhood apraxia of speech although no formal diagnosis. He only speaks with one word and it is hard to understand for people who don’t know him but he is in mainstream school

DS3 (2y 8m) was born at 37+1 via a planned c section, he was also delayed like DS2, not sitting until 14 months and not walking until 23m, he’s still unsteady and falls frequently, his speech is also delayed and changes day to day like he’ll say mum one day then not for a few days but he usually communicates by taking us to what he wants, pointing and has a few signs and uses word like sounds. Hes diagnosed with global development delay, gross motor delay and a significant expressive language delay and suspected ASD and concerns about visual processing difficulties and he has feeding/oral sensory difficulties around textures

DS4 (6months) was born at 36+4 via emergency c section for reduced movement and he was in hospital for 9 days for feeding difficulties, low muscle tone and problems maintaining his temperature, he’s got generalised hypotonia, gross motor delay and feeding difficulties and recently had an MRI and he has delayed maturation of the white matter on his brain, it’s immature compared to where it should be at 6 months but other results were inconclusive and i’m honestly worried about what his future will look like and what this could mean. He’s not rolling or sitting and has poor head control and feeding difficulties, he takes ages to finish a bottle and sometimes the milk leaks out the corner of his mouth

They have mentioned genetic testing for the children due to their needs but I don’t know. I’m worried about what the results could reveal what if it’s something awful and I dont know what it would change except us knowing we passed something to them all / to the younger 3 especially an

Now the pregnancy and my head is spinning

Before anyone says anything we were using condoms because I cant take the pill or the coil as it messes with my hormones too much and MH, we had discussed a vasectomy but hadn’t got round to it

I don’t know what i want from this post. I had a miscarriage between DS3 + 4, DS3 was 11 months and it was a loss at 12 weeks but i had to have an erpc and it was really traumatic and the recovery also was as I still had to do a lot for DS2+3 and i really struggled

It's so weird when posters repeat back exactly what the OP actually told them in the first place.

It's like they think they're the only one (including the OP) to truly understand what's going on and they're here to save the day.

You wont be able to focus on the needs of your children if you have a traumatic birth.

It is highly likely that you will need a C-section again. Most of your children have been born premature.

You wont be able to focus on the needs of your children if your 5th child has complications related to prematurity.

It is entirely your choice whether you continue this pregnancy or not.

Clinics must check how far along you are before offering a termination. You can get support for your mental health.

The impact of any complication associated with an abortion is far lower than the impact of a potential traumatic birth, and the subsequent impact on your entire family by having a 5th child, regardless if they do or dont have additonal needs.

If my mum knew she's putting me into this world to be mentally and physically disabled, honestly, I'd rather not be born.

And the comments about the pill "messing with hormones" and the abortion being unpleasant...Really?! Is it pleasant to be born and suffer for a lifetime?

OP - why did you accept your partner "not getting around" to a vaesectomy? He clearly doesn't value you if he was OK with the possibility of getting you pregnant again knowing the difficulties this would create. But then why risk this for yourself?
You have to put your foot down with him once you have dealt with this.

Thisss! Early intervention is key

Edit to specify I'm referring to the genetic testing not potential termination.. I'm not comfortable weighing in on that

You need to get proper medical advice urgently. After 3 C sections this is likely to be a high risk pregnancy. You will need to have all of the information available to you before deciding what to do. From what you have said you have a tendency to bury your head in the sand. That could end in disaster.

Ouch

Unfortunately it’s possible that each child you have will be more severely affected, due to parental age at conception amongst other factors. Please do investigate genetic testing. Being clear what your children’s difficulties are will allow you to best advocate for them, especially if they are going to need significant care.

It’s all about what op feels and needs by the looks of it.

Why do posters say the same thing over and over when the op has explained she’s not sure as to how far she is? Everyone wants to be heard and considered. Plus it’s ops thread. She can be as dramatic as she wants.

Theres a slight chance she may find someone in her position who’s had their baby and it was ok. I think that’s what the op wants. Some reassurance.

I honestly don’t know how you’re coping as it is. I don’t think it would be fair on your other children if you went ahead with this pregnancy.

Topped up by thousands a month in benefits. More than most could ever earn working

and other people are largely going to respond how they want.

She isn't going to get a pat on the head and it will be ok from many people here because it just isn't true, is it? Maybe she needs to find somewhere else for that.

But don’t you think that it would be far more useful for OP to have the medically recommended genetic testing done to ascertain the actual chances of everything not being ok with this 5th child rather than a piece of anecdotal evidence from an anonymous random on MN??

You know there isn’t just one kind of coil? You’re describing the copper coil but the mirena (or generally hormonal) coil is fantastic - lighter or no periods, and the amount of hormones is SO much less than the pill (because it’s super localised) that it’s nothing like “hormones” as we know them. I’ve had three with gaps and feel the same on and off. They also can be good for menopause, apparently.

Gosh OP what an incredibly tough situation you are in. You are a complete hero for holding things together and looking after your kids. I can't imagine how you are coping. Please get some proper counselling to discuss how you feel about the pregnancy / potential abortion. It's your choice to make. Someone posted some services earlier- I hope you can find the post amongst all the noise.

Please ignore all the nasty comments- none of those posters have a blessed clue and their comments say nothing about you xxxx

No, she doesn't deserve reassurance to take a punt at someone else's life. No one should be supported to make the obviously wrong choice for someone else.
Can you even picture what the future for these children could look like? I'd like some reassurance for myself! That OP will do the right thing for once and from now on. Even if it messes with her monthly cycle

It’s so sad to hear the replies on here. My daughter is similar to your children op and she is a gift and a joy. I would gladly have more children like her. I am so sad to see disabled children treated and spoken of as if they have no value and should not have been born. Please consider keeping the baby.

I have a child with sen plus another dc. I think I could have managed one more happily any more it would have been really tough. In your position I couldn’t do it op. Whether I could physically put myself through a termination is another hurdle. I think I would be thinking of the life you have already and what you want life to be going forward.

I think you are the first person in 13 pages to say this.

It's not just one child here though is it?

@Clinicalwaste
Surely you also have to consider the practicalities though? Does the OP have a house big enough to house 5 children, for example? Can she give attention to them all and meet all of their needs?

But she has 4 and another one potentially the way. You can’t possibly know what that’s like

Absolutely. I’ve objected to those who said she had no excuse not to have an abortion. She doesn’t need one. Abortions are about choice. It seems pro choice has hit a whole new level on this thread.

I don’t know when you found time to have sex so often that you don’t know how far gone you are!.

Of course i’m also anxious about the possibility of a difficult birth/nicu birth but on the flip side im also anxious about a difficult abortion

Genetic testing wouldn’t change anything right now re the pregnancy because it likely wouldn’t be soon so I can’t wait for results of that, if there is anything they can’t say for certain right now. They didn’t say it needs to happen but they mentioned it as a possibility but it was only mentioned this week so i’m trying to take everything in

It’s not the case of DH not caring or respecting me enough to go through with a vasectomy, neither of us have got round to it life’s been busy with appointments/DS2 school transition/hospital stay etc and yes before posters say you chose this i know, and i’m not complaining …