Can I tell my neice off?

[AIBU76]

My 9yo neice is neurodiverse and can say some really hurtful things when she is worked up. The last time I saw her she told me to leave the house and when I left and I said to everyone "see you soon" and she replied "I hope not". I went home feeling really upset. We normally have a good relationship. Her mum sometimes tells her not to speak to me like that but sometimes ignores her. How should I respond to my neice?

Ah OP. That's really hurtful. I have no experience with ND children, but I can understand how upsetting that is for you, even though I'm sure you know she doesn't mean it at all.

Broadly, don’t take it personally. You’re the adult and need to be the wiser person in this scenario.

That doesn’t mean she can say whatever she wants to you - talk to your sister about what you feel is an appropriate comment in such circumstances and try to agree it with her.

Surely you've spoken to your sister and asked her advice?

What did she say?

For me, I would definitely tell her off for being unkind if her parents didn't.

Presumably you are grown up?

Being neurodiverse isn't necessarily a get-out-of-jail-free card; she'll never learn that her remarks have hurt you unless you tell her.

Do many children post on mumsnet?

"Neurodiverse" and "tell my niece off" both cover a huge range with nuance that none of us know about.

The best thing to do is speak to your sister about it.

You can tell her how it makes you feel. However, it depends if it is during a loss of control, or her being a child. I would hope that her Mum is speaking to her when things calm down. You don't get into an argument or back and forward, use passive aggressiveness or sarcasm. Are you respecting her triggers and backing out of it at the start?

I know from plenty of other threads that:
a. You must never tell any child other than your own off for anything ever. And
b. ND gives carte blanche to behave in any way one desires.

Them's the rules, apparently.

Having said that, don't make this any bigger than it needs to be. As pp have stated, you are the adult in this.

I would have just laughed I think! Kids can say silly things. If she asked you to leave then was there a reason? Was she overwhelmed? Had you upset her? Being “worked up” for you could be 100 times worse for her. Although it’s not an excuse for rudeness, she is still young and as an autistic young girl there are probably factors at play here.

It may have been that she didn’t want you in her space. How often are you there?

some autistic people can come across as a little blunt and don’t always realise how it may impact others. So don’t take it personally.

not taking away from the fact that it’s not hurtful though. But telling off an autistic person may not have the effect you want. You may need to learn how to be around her and she may then accept you into the home. Hopefully your sister can help and guide you?

so it’s hard to answer without the context!!

Why are you upset? As an adult I wouldn't be upset by this.

You do know why she makes these comments.

When my nephew was in a mood he always used to tell me he didnt like me or love me. I just used to say thats ok, you dont have to and moved on. He was always happy to see me next time

I'd tell her off and would expect my sibling or cousins to give mine what for if they were rude to them.

Have ND niece. Is frequently rude.

My personal thoughts is she needs to know her being rude to people will affect her - so I tell her. 'I don't like it when you say that' or more positively 'Can you ask me that in a better way'

I'm allowed to react to someone talking to me. My sibling might grimace but it's not their interaction to dictate. They will not be able to dictate reactions with her peers or members of the public - and I tell them that.

Sometimes they're just tired and are picking their battles with her. I don't have to do that - and I don't have to tolerate someone being rude or unpleasant to me.

I cannot imagine ever even thinking to say that to an aunt growing up. Not in a million years.
And if I had I would have been told to apologise.
Neurological problems or not.
Times change. And so have expectations of manners.

I mean her response was quite funny! ND kids are often very blunt and honest. I’d have just said something cheery and lighthearted like ‘oi cheeky’.

You should be able to tell her off, as her aunty. In this particular circumstance, I think a stern approach would probably not be best, and it would be better to say something like, "that's not very kind, is it? DO you want to try that again?" or simply talk to her directly - but gently - about why it's hurtful. It would be nice for you to develop your own relationship with your niece, not necessarily always having to go through her parents, and this would be part of that. That said, some parents are funny about that sort of thing so without knowing your sister I can't guarantee she won't be annoyed at you. But in a normal world, yes, you should be able to talk to your niece directly (as long as you don't blow your top or something).

You're family, of course you should be able to say something.

If your sister takes it personally, then that's her problem. Families should be able to help out with this kind of thing. You are supporting your sister by providing her child with a teaching moment.

You absolutely should correct your rude dn..
SN isn't an excuse for lax parenting..

Why did she want you to leave?

Honestly, I'd leave the telling off to her parents, if they're there. They will have a better sense of how to deal with it.

It sounds hurtful, but I wouldn't focus on your hurt feelings above a disabled dc.

I would and have corrected any child speaking to me like that, DD has had some friends round who have been inappropriately cheeky at times and they’ve been nicely but definitively told not to do it again. As the adult you have a responsibility to teach kids how to behave in social situations and how to interact appropriately.

I would think it's ok say something like 'don't be rude/that's not kind' so she knows it's wrong and I would leave it at that. But anything more than that has to be from her parents.

It shouldn't be ignored just because she is ND, otherwise she'll never realise its not right to speak like that.

I would welcome my siblings to gently have a talk with my child. I think it's important for children to learn to take instructions from other responsible adults.