Can I tell my neice off?

[AIBU76]

My 9yo neice is neurodiverse and can say some really hurtful things when she is worked up. The last time I saw her she told me to leave the house and when I left and I said to everyone "see you soon" and she replied "I hope not". I went home feeling really upset. We normally have a good relationship. Her mum sometimes tells her not to speak to me like that but sometimes ignores her. How should I respond to my neice?

You need to speak to your niece's parents.

Being ND does not mean you are allowed to be rude and hurtful - it means you need active, firm, and immediate correction and guidance from your parents. They should have step in as soon as she told you to leave and again when she was rude to you. That they did not do this means they are setting her up for a lifetime of shitty interactions and failed social experiences because they are not teaching her how to behave.

I say this an AuDHD adult, with two AuDHD children (one ‘Aspergers’ in presentation), two ADHD half sisters and am Autistic (also aspie) half brother. The only child who behaves poorly is my half brother, because his mother dotes, panders, and tiptoes around him. The rest of us and my children have been very clearly corrected and guided and, yes, told off as required.

Her parents are the issue, not your niece. The also need to apologise to you.

There is no point engaging with that in the moment. Her mum ideally needs to be talking to her once things have calmed down.
I once told my brother I hated him, did I mean it? No! But I was really really upset and he was winding me up and I was a kid and it slipped out. Never said it again.

I don't think you have to tell her off, but you also don't need to be silent.

She's being childish because she's a child. I really wouldn't feel hurt over it, as five minutes later she'll have forgotten especially as you normally have a good relationship.

The best response to when she says "I hope not" or similar, is to just say something like "oh that makes me feel really sad, I hope you don't mean that." And then head on out. Don't drag it out, but a simple sentence to express that it makes you sad is going to help her to develop empathy skills in time. It has to be in the moment as next time she sees you she will have certainly forgotten. You just let her know the impact it has on you in the moment.
Generally neurodivergent children are a bit more emotionally immature so forget she's 9, and just pretend she's 5. How would you react if she was 5? You'd prob make a cartoonish sad face or say aunty so and so is sad or that's ok but I really enjoyed seeing you anyway.

I'm dyslexic but thanks 👍🏻

I work with ND children and to be honest, l don't tend to worry about it unless I am specifically focusing on social skills. Once you get used to it, it can be quite refreshing. You were probably talking to her mum too much or something so I wouldn't take it personally. . The upside is that you know where you stand and the compliments are genuine.

What you need to focus on is what triggered this response from your niece. She is saying mean things because she is upset or overwhelmed or finding it hard to cope with something. So she needs support to find other ways to express and respond to upset.

What happened before? Why was she upset? While ND children can absolutely be brats, in which case pulling her up for her behaviour and asking her to apologise would be appropriate, if she was genuinely upset/distressed doing anything in the moment would’ve been pointless. Nothing goes in, and an apology would be nearly impossible and definitely not genuine. A talk once she’s calm and regulated and then asking for an apology would work much better in that scenario.

Why on earth did you leave? A 9 yo is not in charge of anything.

It all depends on your relationship with your niece.

ND children won't necessarily realise what they are saying and it's SOOO hard to try and get this message across. But that doesn't mean it should be ignored.

Her mum may have even discussed it away from you later?

Do you see her every day/ week / month?

Depending on when you next see her, what your relationship is and if it happens again then I'd suggest saying something but not telling her off. That's her parents job.

A simple "oh I didn't think you wanted me around" might open up the appropriate conversation.

You must be a chicken -hearted wee soul if you are still thinking about this after any time has passed 🙈

ND kids say things. No they shouldn't get away with it, mine doesnt. But telling them off in the moment can sometimes escalate into something a lot worse than the actual "offense". Its not a free pass but in the grand scheme of things sometimes you have to pick your battles for an easier life for everyone.

She was maybe just trying to be funny/playful and it can come across blunt. Maybe in that moment she actually didnt want to see you again 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

I think you are going to have to grow a thicker skin for the teenage years.

Yes she needs to be told that she is being rude. Maybe she isn't aware of this and needs to understand that sometimes we might think something (like an adult is boring and we would rather not see them again soon) but need to keep that in our heads.

I suppose it depends on your relationship with your sister but I certainly tell my niece and nephew off as though they are my own children and my sister does the same.

We actively encourage family / friends to "parent" our lad.

He is generally very well behaved but we want him to understand that his behaviour can impact everyone. He is part of a community and so others will react to him. If he behaves in an unpleasant way, he won't be well liked.

On the odd occasion he says something unpleasant, we tell him that it's not nice and it makes us feel sad. We ask how he'd feel if someone had said that same thing to him. Then we give him some examples of a nicer way to behave / talk and ask if he'd like to try again. He always says yes and is much more pleasant second time around! Family / friends take the same approach.

I find it much worse when others don't chip in! It's handy him hearing the message from people besides just Mum and Dad!

Was she ok during the rest of the visit? If she'd been cheeky like that the whole time, then I would expect her Mum to take her aside and tell her off. If it was a one off comment, I'd assume she got carried away and forgot who she was speaking to. At that age kids can be a bit sassy with each other as they're figuring out humour, she probably forgot she wasn't with her friends. Perfectly acceptable to point out to her it wasn't a nice thing to say.

Niece

All children, whether they are ND or not need guidance as to what is and isn’t appropriate otherwise they’ll never learn and if these things are inatiled in them early on it’ll make it difficult for them socially as teens, young adults and as an adult.

id go with “DN, what you have said has really upset me, let’s take a minute to think about what you have said and what made you feel like you wanted to say that” and try to explore the emotions round it rather than just “telling her off” tempting as this may be.

As a sidenote, of my team is autistic and has adhd and also has some learning difficulties and he says some off the wall stuff, we are very used to him but I’ll always say “oh Gerald (not real name!) shall we take a moment to think about this and how it might make people feel” and this then prompts him and he always then feels bad, but his Mum who is his main carer comes to see me once a month or so (with his agreement!) and she uses this method and I have replicated it at work. It works well, you just have to take a deep breath sometimes and not cringe.

OP is dyslexic. Give her a break.

Is there a reason she said what she did?
DS is ND and finds it difficult when people drop in unexpectedly, for example. He’s fine when he knows in advance that they’re visiting.
He doesn’t like people touching him and yet they sometimes still go in for a hug.

Can you ask your sister if there was a reason why she said what she did? There will likely be something.

Your sister should have a word with her about hurting people’s feelings too though.

If I had come out with a comment like that as a child I wouldn't have e sat down for a week.
Therein lies the problem
I'll get my coat

This is true. My ND grandson says some horrible things to me and he can be violent too.

No point saying anything in the midst of a meltdown but when he's calm I explain how upset that made me feel etc.

He seems to understand but this doesn't stop it happening again but it would be wrong not to address the behaviour at all.
He lives with me but I would have no problem with another family calling him out on his unkind words.

X

I would say here that the word “tell off”
is the problem here. I think you should address with your niece what she said - but say matter of factly that it hurts your feelings. As someone else has posted, ask her what a better way to get her point across would be. And if she’s saying this unkind thing during a meltdown (which I assume is what you mean by being “worked up”) then it should be done calmly and at another time. I would let your sister know that you will or have spoken to your niece, just for information, but if you don’t actually tell her off crossly, I can’t see it would be a problem.
And all these black and white people on here saying “I wouldn’t accept that from a 9 year old” or “being ND isn’t an excuse for rudeness” - I think you’re being harsh and inflexible. It may not be an excuse, but it is part of the reason. I’m not suggesting to ignore it, but waiting for calm is certainly the better way to address the issue and teach the child a better way to respond. None of us is going to learn any lessons when we’ve lost our temper, are we?

I think I'd say I'm leaving now I hope next I see you you'll be in a better mood dn.

Don’t worry I spell it wrong all the time and have 8 of them and an English degree. Just doesn’t look right in my head!