Can I tell my neice off?

[AIBU76]

My 9yo neice is neurodiverse and can say some really hurtful things when she is worked up. The last time I saw her she told me to leave the house and when I left and I said to everyone "see you soon" and she replied "I hope not". I went home feeling really upset. We normally have a good relationship. Her mum sometimes tells her not to speak to me like that but sometimes ignores her. How should I respond to my neice?

Do you have your own children OP? Because they all say things like this sometimes, neurodiverse or not. Children will occasionally tell their parents they hate them or whatever. Lashing out is often the first response when angry as they don’t have the same arsenal that a grown up does.

You ask how you should respond. You shouldn’t. You could have at the time, but holding on to something (rather small) and bringing it up later, doesn’t really work with children. You could have raised it then - but probably along the lines of, ‘well that’s not very nice’. But bringing it up days/ weeks/ months? Later would be weird. She probably won’t have remembered what she said 2 minutes after it happened let alone now.

You say you were leaving. I imagine her parents would have felt pretty dreadful and have spoken to her once you’d gone. But probably didn’t feel able while you were leaving. A call or text from them to you saying how sorry they were that she said that would probably have been nice. But too, parents know that kids can say cruel things and that they don’t really mean them. I doubt they’d have thought that this would be something that affected you quite so much.

I hope most of these posters don’t work in speacial needs services or care with children going by the reply’s on here

A neurodiverse child in the family often says things like “I hate you” to me when she’s dysregulated. It’s ok to say “that makes me feel sad, I love you”. To actually be hurt by this is bizarre and narcissistic. She’s 9 and you know she has special needs. It’s not actually about you.

The irony of expecting consideration for your condition but not giving hers any.

I agree, the replies from adults are worrying

I‘d definitely have a word with your sister so she can do some prep work with your niece before your next visit. I’d say something along the lines of „What you’re saying is hurtful. How would you feel if someone said this to you?

I have an ND child and they wouldn’t dream of saying this. As PPs said being ND doesn’t give you a carte blanche to be rude.

That being said, take her age into consideration. Does she say this when she’s tired or overwhelmed. It’s not a personal insult so I‘d be mindful of that in my response.

Don’t take it personally. Let the parents deal with it at a moment when they are less overwhelmed. I would respond with something like “oh that’s a bit sad, because I love seeing you but I hope you’ll change your mind”. And then leave it to the parents to address.

Obviously if the parents are useless this won’t work but I know my sister would sit and have a chat with my niece at a better time.

Well you’re as rude as the niece.

There is a huge variation in what is classed as neuro diverse, so just because one neurodiverse child wouldn't dream of behaving like this doesn't mean all neuro diverse children are capable of understanding and controlling their emotions.

Thank you, it’s hard enough dealing with the judgement from outside your home but I was lucky my sister understood my son and was supportive

I would not be upset, but I would say something. I have let all my child’s aunts and uncles know they can calmly correct rude behaviour from my children if I’m not there.

I’d speak to your sister and ask how she would like these situations to be managed going forward, and make a plan between the two of you.

Telling her off I’ll make her more adversarial. Tell her mother how it makes you feel and ask her to sort it. She is the one who needs to sort her child’s behaviour.

And the OP isn’t answering questions about why the little girl has asked her to leave. I expect she senses/knows that her aunt doesn’t understand her needs.

I’d tick her off, for sure.
I’d tell her ‘don’t be cheeky, Madam’, with Auntie Chimpanzee stern face.

My niece (about 16 at the time) was rude to me, a couple of years ago, and loudly called me a terf in front of about 6 family members.
I am a terf, if you want to call a spade a spade, but she was very proud of herself, and enjoyed being so grown up.

I asked her do you know what that means, cos i knew no one else would know.
i told her ‘Be careful how you answer me, because you either knew exactly what it meant, and you’re trying to embarrass me, or you’re just throwing out words you don’t understand to sound like a grown up’

She’s a lovely kid, but, I’m not having that, and nor would I have this niece do it.

How have I not given her any consideration? I posted for advice because I dont know how to handle the situation, I'm looking to learn and be the best auntie that I can be.

Seriously? Who cares what a bad mannered brat says. Your sister needs to teach her some manners.

Who cares what a bad mannered brat says.

I agree with this being an autistic person with autistic children. I teach my kids that it’s never ok to hurt other people.

There are genuinely some autistic people without mental capacity but that’s not true of the majority.

I think the issue here is why she replied with "I hope not". From a child with ASD that's potentially a direct answer of what she really thinks. So I'd wonder what has actually happened to have her say this.
It's not a flip out in the moment "I hate you" nor a response that a child might think witty and miss.

I mean I've a couple of people for whom I might well think that. That's because being in their company for various reasons makes me uncomfortable due to their behaviour. I'd never say it, but with ASD, that filter may just not be there.
It's the sort of thing my brother came out with at similar age - poor dm was hugely embarrassed on more than one occasion because it was totally unpredictable both what and when he came out with these things!

I think you should speak to your sister, but more with a concern that you are making her uncomfortable. A genuine question like that is far more likely to get it sorted out than going in all guns blazing.
It might be that your sister does say that she was just being rude - but you've handed it over to her to tell off/explain why it was hurtful whatever she thinks best.

If she'd said it to me, I'd have said something along the lines of "that's a pity, I hope I will see you soon", defusing the situation, and bringing attention to her saying it.

Being "neuro diverse" is jtk an excuse for bad behaviour and yes you should tell her off, actually her parents should. I'd say her attitude towards you is down to bad parenting.

Well when she is an adult she's going to have an awful lonely life if she thinks it's OK to say whatever enters her head - ND or not.

I think her parents are failing her if they don't address this.

She needs to learn that speaking to people like that is not okay, even if only for her own long term benefit. It is far better she learn the consequences of being rude now, in a safe space with her aunt, than when she is older and out in the big wide world.

I’d correct her every single time. Being ND isn’t a reason to be rude and definitely not a reason for her parents to not address her behaviour. Some day she will have to cope in the real world and she won’t have many friends if she continues to be so rude.