Can I tell my neice off?

[AIBU76]

My 9yo neice is neurodiverse and can say some really hurtful things when she is worked up. The last time I saw her she told me to leave the house and when I left and I said to everyone "see you soon" and she replied "I hope not". I went home feeling really upset. We normally have a good relationship. Her mum sometimes tells her not to speak to me like that but sometimes ignores her. How should I respond to my neice?

My nephew is 11 with Autism and he can often be rude like this when he’s tired or stroppy.

He’s always been fine with me, but he has said some hurtful things to his Nan (my Mom).

If my brother hears him he tells him off and tells him to apologise and not be rude to his Nanny.

When I’ve heard him, I go and speak to him and tell him off for being rude. I then say to him “That’s my Mommy you’re being rude to. How would you feel if someone spoke to your Mommy like that? Would you like it?”. I try to make him see how his words can hurt others.

You shouldn't say what children say personally. They sometimes say very hurtful things but it's always in the heat of the moment. Also If she is neuro diverse she may find it difficult to regulate and to think before she speaks.

This! 👆🏼

There are many depths to neurodiversity, and what one child can understand easily another may struggle with. Also, one doesn't really "tell off" a neurodivergent child in the same way you might a neurotypical child. That will get you nowhere fast. That's not to say they can't be disciplined. They most certainly can. But they usually need a different approach. How one disciplines a neurodivergent child depends entirely on each individual child and what neurodiversity they have. I'm AuDHD, my (now grown kids) are AuDHD and ASD, and two out of my three grandchildren are ASD (they almost certainly have ADHD too but that's still being looked at), and each one of them needed different approaches. Telling a neurodivergent child off the same way you'd tell a neurotypical child off will only end in tears (for everyone, probably). You need to talk to your sister about this and don't try to attempt it yourself without both agreement from your sister, and instruction on how best to approach it. Your niece's behaviour does need addressing and she needs to understand the strength that words can have.

*(to be fair, even with neurotypical children you run a very large risk if you try to discipline children that aren't your own. Ask me how I know.... 😉 )

To be honest, I can understand why you may feel a little disappointed by this behaviour but as a mum of ND children myself I would say definatley don't take it to heart.
If you're visiting them then maybe she struggles with having other people (even family) in her safe space? Maybe she finds the chatter difficult to deal with? Autistic people can appear blunt at times and will say it as it is or what is in their head but I wouldn't expect that it's a dislike of you at all, it might be having someone over the house that is the issue.
When a neurodivergent child becomes dysregulated it's very difficult to defuse the situation, punishing them or telling them off for something beyond their control isn't fair. One of my children has PDA traits of autism, when they're dysregulated they say nasty things, launch things and worse run off if things escalate and the very worst thing to do would be to tell them off at that time because it would escalate the situation further. It might be that your sister is 'ignoring' the behaviour at certain times because she's picking up cues that things would get worse if she did, she may then address what happened later, when her daughter is calmer and more able to take on board what she's saying, which is what I would have to do with my child.
I have learnt to grow a very thick skin!

I would... probably just blow her a raspberry, try and make light of it - or ignore any hurtful words completely. Telling off should come from mum. I suspect though she likes getting a rise out of you!

That. I taught autistic children for nigh on three decades, and I wouldn't have let unkind behaviour pass in any of them.

How I responded would depend on the child, but the above would have been my most used verbal response. Though more often than not, adapted for the fact that it was usually another child that they'd spoken unkindly to.

So yes, as the person who she has been rude to, your entirely entitled to say that what she said was unkind, that you don't like it/it upsets you, and you don't want to hear it again.

I completely disagree with those saying to make light of it. A verbal autistic child needs to hear appropriate feedback from anyone they hurt.

Making it amusing is really not helpful, and confuses then at best. Autistic children might not understand how you feel, but they do need to learn that such comments are not acceptable.

Also that.

Cheek from a 9 year old alone wouldn’t upset, however the mother not pulling her up on it would definitely annoy me. The parent’s reaction is more important.

I don’t understand this “you can’t tell anyone’s kids off” nonsense. Generally I’d look towards the parent and give them the opportunity to do their job and parent their children. If they sit there passively and do nothing, well, don’t pretend you didn’t have the chance. I’ll do your job for you. OP you’re an adult, you don’t stand for disrespect from a minor. She needs to know her place.

That’s hilarious 🤣🤣
Thankyou I needed that

Have you watched ‘The Assembly’. I’ve only seen a few clips but all the ND kids asking the questions are so beautifully blunt. Change your lens.

Personally, I would always defer to the parent of an ND child who knows them best and seek their advice, whether they are my sister or not.

The parent will know whether they said it because they are jealous of you monopolising your sister’s attention, or whether they were having a meltdown owing to overwhelm, or whether they were simply being cheeky. Each scenario requires a different response.

The first requires reasoned conversation.
The second requires sympathy and a strategy.
The third requires disciplining due to being very rude.

No. That reaction is enabling the behaviour. She was rude and needs to be told so.

Absolutely, the ignorance would be impressive if it wasn’t so sad

Having got a 9yr old with ADHD and a 4yr old waiting for an assessment, prior to this I would have been the "it's bad parenting" etc....i know I'm not a bad parent, but I've also learnt that when they are in that moment of being "worked up", "overstimulated".... however you want to put it they say things and do things they don't realise, i often say "ok then" when I get the verbal brunt and then it's like a light build turns on when they've released whatever needs to be released....my 4yr old doesn't even remember alot of the time

Maybe she gets her quick blunt response from you 😄😄

Yes… any kid that’s in my care or house will get told off if they misbehave, if their parents don’t like it take em home or argue with the wall.

My nephew is ASD, and I looked after him a lot as a child as I did with his siblings. I would say the way I told him off was different, but he still got told off. For the others it was more of just a telling off, for him I focused more on explaining why X is hurtful/wrong/frowned upon and establishing if he was being intentionally rude or mean. I also focused on helping him establish how he could go about making amends. With the others, they didn’t really need as much explanation or hand holding but obviously he needed a bit more help in that department. My son is also ASD, and he gets told off if he misbehaves at his aunt and uncles house. IMO, as long as it’s a developmentally appropriate telling off it’s fine.

3 of ours are nd and they would be told straight away it's still not acceptable words and you certainly wouldn't be leaving on that note either

Tell your niece to fuck off.

Spelling the word niece wrong isn't upsetting or hurting anyone though.

I have ND children and they would absolutely be told off for that. At the end of the day unless they're going to be isolated from the real world then they need to know how to speak to people and being rude like that isn't acceptable.

I think in this case your sister and BIL probably have a strategy for this and intervening might make matters worse.

Ask mum.

If mum is wet and useless and never tells DC off then it might be helpful to do so.

OTOH a lot of ND kids won't respond to being told off. In fact depending on the reason for the behaviour, it can either wind them up more or give them attention for the behaviour which is essentially positive feedback leading to it being more likely to be repeated. So telling them off likely pretty useless in those cases. Parent may know how to handle it better e.g. ignore in the moment so as not to escalate, talk about it later on. Or they may be so used to it that they forget other people will find it rude. Or they may be focusing on a different behaviour issue which is more pressing than a rude comment.

TBH if it was my DC (I do have DC who would do this) I would apologise for them in the moment and probably lightly reprimand them but I wouldn't make a huge deal of it because it would likely signify that they had gone way past their emotional limit and were on the verge of a meltdown.

Just because she ordered you to leave, you didn't have to. You leave when you are ready to go. That's it, really. Some ND children cannot control their tongue, even though they are coached and nagged endlessly. When she says something, pay no heed, although it hurts; act as if you would not have heard her, so she will have to reapeat it, and then you can say "Yes, you already told me," or better still, say nothing at all.