Can I tell my neice off?

[AIBU76]

My 9yo neice is neurodiverse and can say some really hurtful things when she is worked up. The last time I saw her she told me to leave the house and when I left and I said to everyone "see you soon" and she replied "I hope not". I went home feeling really upset. We normally have a good relationship. Her mum sometimes tells her not to speak to me like that but sometimes ignores her. How should I respond to my neice?

I hope you would tell mine off if they did that.

Children, including ND children need to learn that something's aren't acceptable. They need to learn this from peers and other adults. ND kids may find it harder to learn, less able to understand why and less able to control it, but those aren't reasons not to.

(Mum to 2 ND kids).

@AIBU76
Of course you can
She's ND but I'd personally have clapped back most probably ( not my best move I know before everyone wants me crucified)
Because she has to live in the real world and although she's her ways about her, I know some people who would've stood there and completely lost their rag at her percieved "rudeness "
She doesn't have the monopoly on how things are for her and needs reminding once in a while that not everybody will be forgiving of her words/ possible actions
I imagine it's hard work raising a ND child
And her mum is taking exceptional care with her
But she has to explain and say to her that words have consequences
And she may come across as dinky-cute now
But if left unchecked she'll become the bigger older girl who's going to be seen by some possibly as a big unpredictable problem

My daughter can be like this. She used to get annoyed with people who came over and say things like ‘when are you/they going home’. She didn’t realise it was unkind, she’s ND and to her it’s just a question.
I think as others have said, a ‘aww that’s not very kind, that hurts my feelings’ would get the message across rather than a telling off. I would leave that to the parent because they may be dealing with things in a certain way. For example, they may have chosen to discuss it with her later rather in front of others.

Hang on can I clarify what happened here - DN told you to leave…and you left? Did her mum not have any input at this point to contradict her? If my DN told me to leave and her mum didn’t contradict her or tell her off and let me leave as a result, I would not be going back.
Or do you mean she said that at some point, you stayed and then eventually when you left she made her parting remarks? I’ll assume that’s the case. In which case when she asked you to leave I would say to mum - it seems like DN does not want me here - I think I should leave. Hopefully mum protests and asks you to stay but I would leave despite mum’s protestations unless mum deals with it somehow there and then. Up to mum to manage her daughter so she does not make guests feel too unwelcome to stay. I would not tell the child off, only hold my own boundaries to her behaviour and leave it to mum to choose how she deals with it.

Too late now, but I might have replied "I wasn't talking to you ".

Being ND is not an excuse to be rude. Yes I am. Yes both my children are. No they are not rude.

She’s a ND 9 year old …. Presume you’re an adult … GROW UP!

Totally agree. She just sounds a rude child full stop.

I wouldn't tell her off as such but would tell her that it makes you sad.
Trying to get her to be nicer in the moment is probably not going to go help anything and will probably just escalate her responses.

ND Mum to a ND teenager here. Yes, you as the adult have to remove your ego from the situation sometimes but it’s also ok for your sister (or even you) to say when you said X you hurt my feelings and made me feel sad. She may have been trying to be funny but unless we have someone who we love and who loves us gently guiding us we don’t even know we’ve done something wrong.

What I really struggled with growing up was being pulled up on my “tone” when I had no idea I was talking in any way other than normally.

Personally I’d tread carefully as you may not be aware of the full picture. My sibling likes to ignore the fact our son is AuDHD and also has a lot of struggles in many other areas including attachment as he is adopted. My sibling has told my son off in a way and at a time that aren’t appropriate and this has added to trauma he has already experienced. Parents are the best judge of their child and how best to approach things. I’d start with a conversation with your sibling and see what they suggest. Of course behaviour needs to be addressed but often it needs to be done by being aware of why the behaviour occurred in the first place.

You are an adult. You should be able to see beyond the words a child in distress uses.

I have a ND child on the family ,and would have had words in this situation

It's a tricky one but as the parent of ND girls you would be best to ignore in the moment and speak to your sister later.

Her comments probably came from a place of anxiety and distress, saying anything in the moment would only escalate the situation, when my ASD girl is in this state anything we say will not be heard it will just cause her to escalate into a full meltdown which achieves nothing but more distress for all of us.

Her mum was probably ignoring it in the knowledge that anything else would leave her with more to deal with once the door was closed and she was likely 'picking her battles' because sometimes with ND kids that is not the moment to do it, once their brain is in a heightened state anything you say won't be heard as they simply can't process it as the brain is already in overload, it's best to reduce the stress and allow them to gain control before speaking about it so they can actually hear what you're saying.

It's probably something that will improve with age and maturity.

Stern words OP

" How dare you "

With a stern and serious voice.

Then go on to tell her under no circumstances will you tolerate her being so bad mannered, bad tempered and tremendously rude.

Then demand an apology NOW.

It will put her in her place because no way should she be speaking to you like that.

Her mum ignoring her bad attitude is as good as allowing her to continue to be rude and that is atrocious in its self.

Honestly, I would try to respond in a similar manner. ‘Oh, what a shame. Unfortunately for you, I’ll be visiting whether you enjoy it or not.’ Just calmly stating facts, not having a go.

It’s not appropriate to tell her off but a big smile and “THAT wasn’t a nice thing to say!” or “How RUDE!” or “I shan’t come to your house again if you speak to me like that” etc would absolutely be appropriate.

I agree that my neice should have been made to apologise.

I agree. I dont think its okay to let her say hurtful things just because she is ND. She also mocks me sometimes which I find upsetting.

I’m a bit shocked by all the responses here. I’d suggest talking to her parents. I’m sure they’re aware, this might be representative of a bigger difficulty she has and they are trying to deal with. They might have a strategy. You can ask them what it is and try to be supportive of that. You can even challenge it with them if you want, but not with their daughter. It’s okay to be hurt. It’s not okay to ‘tell her off’ if that is not going to help and may even cause harm or undermine the strategy they are trying to implement.

@AIBU76why did she ask you to leave the house? Do you have a good relationship usually?

Ignore her. You wont get anywhere.

No you cant "tell her off".

She is ND, and likely telling the truth about how she felt in that moment. Whilst its not what you'd like to hear, it really is a silly thing for an adult to take so sensitively and personally from a child they KNOW to be ND.

Whilst to you "see you soon" is just an pleasant way of saying goodbye, to an ND child they may well have no concept of such bullshit social nicety/norms, and soon is such an abstract subjective term.

She may well be told by other adults, parents, teachers etc in her life that something is happening "soon" in response to struggling to wait her turn for something, or dinner nearly being ready, or moving on to the next task etc and therefore interpreting "soon" as literally imminent!

And if you'd been there a while, maybe she had had enough and wanted her own space back to "normal"? It doesnt mean she doesnt like you. You just are interpreting it from an NT perspective.

It's the double empathy problem

Haven't you ever wished someone would go, or suggests doing something sooner than youd like or you need a break from? Difference is you've probably learnt when its appropriate to keep stuff to yourself and when its rude, and have developed the communication skills to advocate for yourself if something is not for you.

At 9, children are still learning that, NT and ND!!

If she says similar again, rather than taking offence, maybe talk to her about it, find out what she actually means and how she is feeling. You may be surprised that it's nothing personal AT ALL.

From an AuDHD adult who had lots of experiences as a child like you describe, and spending a lot of time baffled as why despite "always telling the truth" and "replying when I was spoken to by grownups" was i still always in trouble. And as a result grew up thinking I had to make sure I always said the "right thing" and was responsible for keeping everyone else happy.

Trying to see things through her eyes would be amazing for her.

Well she can’t spell niece so who knows 🤷‍♀️

I think this kind of response will either go over the head of an autistic young girl or get an eye roll. She clearly didn’t want to aunt in the home. We don’t know why yet because OP is avoiding questions. But at least she asked her to leave. Some autistic people find it difficult having people in their homes, touching their stuff and overstepping. She has a right to a safe home environment. In the grand scheme of things I don’t think what she said was that bad.

the way people are talking about a young girl on this thread is not very nice at all and yet all banging on about manners and being polite!!