Can I tell my neice off?

[AIBU76]

My 9yo neice is neurodiverse and can say some really hurtful things when she is worked up. The last time I saw her she told me to leave the house and when I left and I said to everyone "see you soon" and she replied "I hope not". I went home feeling really upset. We normally have a good relationship. Her mum sometimes tells her not to speak to me like that but sometimes ignores her. How should I respond to my neice?

What would you want to achieve by it though? Because if it's for her to be less rude next time it may actually be better to let her parent say something later on, especially if she's in a heightened state. Does she not like visitors generally or did something specific happen? Where is she at developmentally? Have you spoken to your sister about it?

What would you have done if she wasn't ND?
Do that.

I think the correct thing would be to have a word with your sister in private and explain how you find this sort of thing hurtful. That even though you understand that your niece is ND and perhaps doesn’t understand rudeness as you do, you’d appreciate it if she corrects her daughter (albeit in a kind or neutral way, perhaps at a delayed time when it won’t embarrass her) when she says these things.

It’s not helpful to parents of ND children if others jump in and “tell off” there children in a way that could actually be counterproductive and go against good work they are doing with their child in the background.

Sometimes there is a calculated picking of battles and letting specific things go in the moment, to return to them at a quieter time, and your sister can explain to you if this is the case. But you could come to an understanding with her that it will be dealt with in some way or other at some time.

This of course assumes your sister is aware that ND isn’t an eternal and universal “get out of jail free” card, and that she does need to help her dd to learn to live in the real world.

I would tell her that it hurts my feelings when she says things like that.

I dunno. To her black and white brain she's being honest. I'd leave it to her mum and ignore. Maybe her mum talks to her about rudeness when she's calmed down or everyone's gone home.

I'd tell her that's not a nice thing to say.
I do find it odd that you're upset by this. An adult shouldn't be upset by the words of an upset 9 year old, unless it's some scathing personal attack maybe, which this wasn't.

If the rude little brat's parents won't put her in her place, feel free to do it!

I think you should speak to your sister - tell her you don't accept being spoken to like that by anyone, and you won't continue to spend time with your niece if this keeps happening.

You could ask your sister if she would prefer you to have words with her child - if she thinks you telling your niece off would be effective, be guided by her.

Agreed. Her parents need to work on this. Someday she will be an adult and her bosses will not care that she is ND and she will pay the price for not being taught that regardless she needs to stop.

My autistic 8 year old is very much like this. No matter how much I tell him it's mean it has no effect. It's better to ignore

I wouldn’t necessarily be hurt by that but I think you can say something like:

’ooh that’s not very kind DN’

But you have to say it at the time and I definitely wouldn’t try and tackle it at a different time

I have a ND DGC. One minute she's screaming she hates me, the next she's hugging me apologising and declaring undying love. I roll with the flow and have learned not to take it personally

This would be an incredibly unhelpful approach!

I probably would have found that funny to be honest. But it’s a hallmark of being neurodivergent that you don’t know how you are coming across to people, she may have been being honest in that moment. Maybe if you’re close she feels she can be honest like that. You could bring it up next time you see her and try to explain how it made you feel. Sometimes these things need to be taught explicitly.

Being neurodivergent does not warrant rude behaviour! My daughter is also neurodiverse is 10 and would never dream of talking to anyone like that.
sounds like the parents make being neurodiverse an excuse!!! 😡
ND doesn’t have a symptom of being a rude brat. How you would take it if she wasn’t ND then there you go!

Depending on her age and levels of social awareness and any other learning disabilities I’d probably not over think this’s. My nephew is autistic and has learning disabilities. He’s mid teens. When we go to their house he will often just turn to me and say ‘bye, time to go’. Generally this is just him expressing that he’s had enough social interaction disrupting his routine and whatever he was planning to do before o arrived. His parents usually say something like ‘oh aunty Clive can stay as long as she wants but if you’ve had enough you can go to your room’. I never take it personally .

My own DD is autistic older teen with no additional learning disabilities. She wouldn’t necessarily say anything like that and would just disappear to her room. But if we are visiting friends or relatives she will say ‘I’ve had enough is it time to go soon!’ And we usually talk about how long til we go and give her pension to sit in another room on her phone. No one takes it personally. Her social battery just runs out. It happens on group days out but she can’t just leave if we are stating for the day so she will just moan a lot of I will park her in a cafe or quiet spot and tell her to say there tol we are ready to leave.

You have to understand that autistic people find socialising really hard work - exhausting. They can also be blunt and tell too much truth. They aren’t being rude. They aren’t wanting to upset people. They are just expressing their needs. Yes talk about it it but not telling off.

As the parent of an adult nd son I would totally be ok with an adult telling my child off for being rude. It's part of training them for the real world.
Having said that children that age can be silly anyway and the child didn't mean it. I would have probably said something like "that's ok, I still love you". Reinforce positivity, and definitely wouldn't argue with a child.

I guess it depends what you mean by "tell her off". Get angry - no. Say "that's not very kind" - yes.

With ND there is a reason for it but it is not an excuse. Firstly speak to your sister about the best way to reply to her as you feel it important. I would go with either (and yiu will know the best way for her), a part jovial “oh yes I will” or a warmer yet formal reply. I would only try to engage with your sister first so she is aware you are trying to rectify and keep communications open, also this gives her a voice.

I wouldn't accept any of my children to behave like this and we have both ND/NT.

You don't have to tell her off...I wouldn't see myself as telling my nieces off. But I do instruct them as to appropriate behaviour. E.g. 'we don't do X or y'. In this case I'd be saying 'please can you use kind words when you speak to me'

@Isittimeformynapyet "I know from plenty of other threads that:
You must never tell any child other than your own off for anything ever."

Yep. But conversely so many women complain that they haven't got "a village" to help with their kids. I guess the village would have to do exactly as the mother said in all instances or god help them.

It’s one of the things that are spoken about during the diagnosis process. It doesn’t matter that you wouldn’t have said it if you’re not autistic. They should be told it’s hurtful and not nice but normal parenting measures will not work

Wow! Do you normally call disabled children names?

You can tell her that is an unkind thing to say and it has made you sad. Then walk away and be grateful she is not your daughter!