Can I tell my neice off?

[AIBU76]

My 9yo neice is neurodiverse and can say some really hurtful things when she is worked up. The last time I saw her she told me to leave the house and when I left and I said to everyone "see you soon" and she replied "I hope not". I went home feeling really upset. We normally have a good relationship. Her mum sometimes tells her not to speak to me like that but sometimes ignores her. How should I respond to my neice?

I feel free to treat my niece and nephew and several of my close friends children (some of whom are ND) like they are my own kids. So if they say something out of line I'll absolutely pick them up on it. I'm not sure I'd think much of a throw away comment like that, kids say the first thing that comes into their brains a lot of the time and the best thing to do is ignore it. But if it was said really maliciously then a quick "xxxxx that was a really unkind thing to say, and could really upset someone, don't do it again". Wouldn't be amiss.

As a parent of ND young person I think your approach is fine - very different to those advocating telling her off and escalating the situation which is generally going to make things a lot worse. As long as someone is not having a total meltdown (or seems close to one) it's useful to tell them, calmly, how you feel. That's v different to just telling them off.

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Off the top of my head.

Stupid rule doesn't work.

You can’t take offence at this as it’s obviously not personal.
I have a nephew who is neurodivergent who sometimes says this kind of stuff to me. Depending on the context etc I might say aww I’m looking forward to seeing you soon, that’s not kind or I’ll tickle him or I’ll say well I love you and I had fun today.

I had an aunt who was really great but, on the other hand, I was bloody terrified of her! You didn't backchat or flounce at her ever!

What does that mean. What is the point you're making?

No, but sarcastic patronising posters do 😉

Where has the OP behaved like a child? Where is it she needs to grow up?

Well, she is giving consideration to her sister's child, doesn't know what to do for the best and is posting for advice

Translation, are you very young and the point is an adult might be expected to have the experience to navigate this.

I think you need to address these comments but think about whether doing so in the moment would just cause a bigger reaction and more abuse, so maybe a text an hour or two after just stating that what she said upset you and you’d like it if if she doesn’t do it again?!
or if you don’t feel that’s appropriate could you talk to her mum and say it’s upset you. ND or not she needs to learn

I was about to say finally someone used the right word, neurodivergent, but then you went and spoilt it. Neurodiversity is a spectrum that... recognises diversity and includes NT surely. Also it's niece not neice but that wasn't you.

I still haven't got to the part where OP actually explains what discussions she's had with her sister about all this. Presumably it's somewhere in the thread but it's a bloody odd bit to dripfeed considering it's of vital importance.

In the heat of a melt down ND children can and do say upsetting things. Trying to discuss them at the time or even telling them off at the time will do no good.

Pick a time later, when she is calm and happy, discuss how much this upsets people, when things like this are said, give her time to digest and then ask if she'd like help to not say things like that. Ask what would help.

I think maybe she is more negative towards you because she senses your lack of understanding of her condition. Perhaps ask her mum what might help, study her condition, and try to have a little more empathy and patience.

The niece wasn't having a meltdown. She was just being blunt/rude.

Telling off can mean different things to different people. Shouting or getting very angry isn't going to work for her and is unlikely to be acceptable to her mum. But calmly saying "that's a hurtful thing to say, please don't do that" or "that was very rude and hurtful, you need to stop saying things like that to me" is reasonable and ultimately in the child's interests.

When my son spoke like that he was extremely overwhelmed and on the verge of a meltdown so addressing it at the time was pointless and believe me I tried for years. Unless you’ve had a child like this it’s hard for people to understand

Are we not supposed to tell our ND children when they’re being rude? Because I do all the time. They might not pick up social cues naturally but that doesn’t mean we don’t try and teach them the best we can.

It depends on the situation, doesn’t it?

What situation would you not tell a child they were being rude?

When they’re not actually being rude , even if it might seem so. Like being disregulated, upset, overwhelmed etc. I’m sure OP is a lovely person and aunt, but imagine an adult deliberately winding up a ND child and then saying they wish that adult left . Is it still rude? Before you say it would never happen, I’ve seen it happen. Either because the adult thinks it’s funny when the kid is mildly upset or because they don’t believe in ASD/ADHD / whatever and then they act all butthurt when the kid explodes all over them.

Or an overly anxious/shy child not being all chatty and welcoming and taking a while to warm up to visitors.

Or a million other circumstances. There’s a difference between actually being rude and appearing to be rude.

Also things like bluntness/honesty can and should be corrected, but not necessarily need a telling off/consequence.

Like I said, it depends on the circumstances.

I would still tell a child they were being rude if they were though. Maybe not in the moment but they would be told at some point and the natural consequences of being rude to people.