AIBU to think teenagers should be capable of being home alone overnight without parental supervision?

[OtterlyMad]

Was chatting to colleagues over lunch today and one of them was complaining about how little time she and her husband get together due to having children. I know her kids are old enough to be doing GCSEs and A Levels so I asked why she and her husband couldn’t go away for a night or two without them, and she looked at me like I’d grown another head! We live in a small town with a low crime rate and she acknowledged that her quiet, studious daughters were extremely unlikely to set fire to the house or throw a party…

I explained to my colleague that by the age of 14 I was babysitting younger children overnight, from 15 my parents would go away for a week without us (and we’d be expected to cook our dinners, keep the house tidy, get ourselves to school etc.) and at 16 I was holidaying abroad with friends! She was appalled. I pointed out that her eldest would be going off to university and living independently in less than 2 years, all she could say was “well she’ll be 18 then” as if turning 18 would flip a switch and magically make her daughter capable of functioning as an adult.

I’d always planned on parenting in a similar way to how I was brought up - building maturity/confidence by gradually giving my kids more freedom and responsibility - but now I wonder if this approach would get social services called on me! I’m in my early 30s by the way so it’s not like my experience is from yonks ago, it would have been around 2010.

Would you find it completely unreasonable to leave a 14-15 year old and 16-17 year old at home alone overnight? (And if yes, when and how would you bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood?)

My DD2 was babysitting at 15 and my DS2 who is currently 15 could easily be left home alone for a day or two. Several of his friends absolutely couldn’t though, lots of kids don’t have any independence skills now (some from situation and some from parents not equipping them).

Depends on the child, really. Yes I would and have left my older kids overnight at that age. And had no issues. My 12 year old though…I’m not sure that I will be able to do the same with him at 14/15, he’s not that emotionally mature.

Maybe it’s the kids that don’t want to be left though? My older ones were both pretty independent at that age but I know teenagers that aren’t and really still need their parents around. Some people just don’t want to leave kids of any age and that’s fine tbh, they’ve all the time in the world once they turn 18!

I completely agree with you.

Depends on the kids and their interpersonal dynamic. There are probably plenty of kids who don't want to be left in charge of a younger sibling and younger siblings who don't want to be at the mercy of the older sibling.

I think it depends on the children but I’m quite an old school parent and give mine more freedom than most (it helps that we live in a very safe area and my eldest is quite studious and responsible). I’m not planning on leaving them until the youngest is 14 (At that time eldest will be 16 going on 17) though.

I'm not sure about 14. That feels a bit young, but certainly, I expet as they reach 15/16 and above, this is doable. Depends on the child of course as well.

I went to France for three weeks on my own when I was 15! I feel very strongly that it's vital to build independence in teenagers, starting early. Constantly supervising them makes them incapable and fearful.

siblings close in age no problem at 15+
child on their own older 17ish

It could also be the issue of leaving them both. I wouldn’t have left DS1 and DD1 together as they clashed constantly. DS1 and DD2 fine, DD1 and DD2 fine, and any on their own (with caveats with DD1 for medical things), but that combo wouldn’t work.

It was totally inappropriate of your parents to go away overnight (and for a week!) leaving you looking after younger siblings at age 14/15. I'm surprised you plan to do the same. Do you have children? You would attract safeguarding concerns if you did the same. I think you overstepped with your colleague.

YANBU but I think the pendulum is too far in each direction here.

If her teenagers are happy to be left but she won't allow it then that's a bit unreasonable.

However, your parents were neglectful to leave a 14 year old looking after siblings overnight, and then a year later for a whole week.

From 16, fine. My eldest has stayed home alone overnight occasionally since 16 (she’s almost 18 now). This has been on the odd occasion when I’ve had to travel for work or with my younger one and she hasn’t fancied going to her Dad’s, which is always an option as he’s only two streets away. The fact he’s nearby (albeit sometimes a pita!) is also quite helpful in this regard as there’s someone nearby in case of emergency.

Under 16, I think is too young overnight.

Over 18 to have care of a younger child overnight - and then only if they’re genuinely happy to do it (for pay of course!)

I was profoundly neglected as a child. I had no thoughts of repeating that with my own children.

Just to add, leaving you to care for younger child overnight- for a week at a time even! - was profoundly negligent of your parents and no wonder your friend was shocked.

16 and 18 yos for the odd night as it sounds as though your friend has is of course fine as long as she and her children are all happy and comfortable.

GCSE year, my 15 year old stayed home alone for 5 months while I was in hospital. It was an emergency originally, obviously 🙄 but she learned loads about how to lock up at night, cook, wash laundry, clean up.

Family and friends rallied round and checked in on her - she stayed with a few on and off but really enjoyed having her own space.

It wasn't how I'd have planned things but I think it did her good and was a silver lining from a grim time.

I didn’t say I was looking after anyone - I’m not even the eldest sibling! And it was a friendly conversation, no one was offended, I think we were both just a bit surprised at the other person’s stance.

I suppose it depends how mature the kids are. My parents were very cautious but still went out in the evening or got back from parties early hours of the morning when I was 14 or 15. I usually invited one (responsible) friend to stay over, and my mum always supplied us with pizza, Haagen Daas ice-cream (always Bailey's - how 90s) and allowed me to get a film from Sky Box Office. Overnights from around 16. I think this still sounds about right.

We’ve left our son overnight from being 16 and prior to that would go out for dinner without him sometimes. We live in a quiet place with neighbour pals around and we know he wouldn’t have friends etc over. It depends how mature the kid is but I think one night is fine if there’s a responsible adult nearby they can call on in an emergency

I think it depends on the kids.

DD could probably have been home alone over night at 14, and would have been very happy about it. We didn't do it, think the first time we left her for a whole night she was 16.

Me and my brother could not have been alone together overnight when I was 18 and he was 15 I don't think, we'd have murdered each other. Either of us alone, fine, but together we would absolutely have caused issues.

Think you’ve misunderstood, I wasn’t caring for younger siblings, I’m not even the eldest. We were each expected to look after ourselves.

If anything happened to a 14 or 15 year old whilst they were left overnight the parents could be charged with neglect.

by the age of 14 I was babysitting younger children overnight overnight wasn't ok then, even less ok now

from 15 my parents would go away for a week without us (and we’d be expected to cook our dinners, keep the house tidy, get ourselves to school etc.) wasn't ok then, even less ok now

Your parents should have been looking after all of you.

I think with social media I no longer would in case of a small gathering/few friends escalated into multiple teens turning up and piling in and my house being trashed as has happened to a MN poster recently.

My personal lower age limit for leaving DC home alone overnight was 16. So I wouldn't have left a 14-year-old at home overnight without an adult.