AIBU to think teenagers should be capable of being home alone overnight without parental supervision?

[OtterlyMad]

Was chatting to colleagues over lunch today and one of them was complaining about how little time she and her husband get together due to having children. I know her kids are old enough to be doing GCSEs and A Levels so I asked why she and her husband couldn’t go away for a night or two without them, and she looked at me like I’d grown another head! We live in a small town with a low crime rate and she acknowledged that her quiet, studious daughters were extremely unlikely to set fire to the house or throw a party…

I explained to my colleague that by the age of 14 I was babysitting younger children overnight, from 15 my parents would go away for a week without us (and we’d be expected to cook our dinners, keep the house tidy, get ourselves to school etc.) and at 16 I was holidaying abroad with friends! She was appalled. I pointed out that her eldest would be going off to university and living independently in less than 2 years, all she could say was “well she’ll be 18 then” as if turning 18 would flip a switch and magically make her daughter capable of functioning as an adult.

I’d always planned on parenting in a similar way to how I was brought up - building maturity/confidence by gradually giving my kids more freedom and responsibility - but now I wonder if this approach would get social services called on me! I’m in my early 30s by the way so it’s not like my experience is from yonks ago, it would have been around 2010.

Would you find it completely unreasonable to leave a 14-15 year old and 16-17 year old at home alone overnight? (And if yes, when and how would you bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood?)

A really insightful comment, so pleased you took time out of your day to add to this discussion

I think 14 is fine to be left with an older sibling for a night or two provided they're both fairly independent so that the older sibling wouldn't have to do any looking after.

We left my 16 year old for two nights recently. She got herself to work and college.

It’s completely fine.
I’d be very surprised if teens of that age couldn’t manage and I’d expect them also to quite enjoy it.

I do think a week is too long at 15 unless there are adults very near by checking in. But in general yes - you're supposed to be raising your kids to be capable of being adults at 18, not get them to 18 and then wonder about skills.

I think it depends on the child, my dd (only child) hated being in the house by herself, she’d rather go to her grandparents or friends house if I was going out.

My nephew has been fine being left on his own overnight since 13/14yo 🤷‍♀️

I’ve got a 14&17 year old and no, I wouldn’t. I’m away for a weekend in a few weeks and they will stay with grandparent. They have actually asked if they can just stay home alone but I’m not comfortable. I’ve come home today from picking up my 14 year old and the 17 year old has gone out and not locked the house ups. She’s autistic but very sensible. But they would likely go to bed and not lock up.

I was babysitting from 15 but not overnight, just until 1am or something.

I do leave them home alone during the day when I’m at work if they have an inset day or if they are off poorly. My 14 year old is actually more capable than the 17 year old when it comes to cooking etc but it just doesn’t sit comfortable with me. My parents never left me alone overnight either before I left home for university. I’m nearly 50.

Edited to add. My 14 year old went to a friends house for the afternoon/evening. Friend is a couple of years older so 16. The mum wanted my number to check with me that I was ok having her over to their house as they the parents were away for the weekend and the daughter was dog sitting on her own. So they left a 16 year old but were concerned about a 14 year old going for tea. I agreed in the end as she wasn’t sleeping over so I didn’t see an issue. Sleeping over wasn’t mentioned and I’m not sure I would have allowed that as I don’t leave her with her 17 year old sister overnight.

If my DM had left my DBs in charge of me overnight as teens they’d have regularly beaten the shit out of me. We’re actually very close these days but they were brutal back then.

Are you seriously comparing hearing voices to intellectual disability? Wow. Just...wow. You need to educate yourself, you clearly aren't worth engaging with.

Somewhere in the middle seems about right. I probably wouldn’t leave them overnight until they’re GCSE age. But you’re quite right, behaving as if something magical happens at 18 is wishful thinking!

And yet, here you are, engaging with me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes mine were staying home alone from 16 overnight, they were perfectly fine.

Kids can legally move out without their parents consent when they are 16 so to not leave them overnight once they turn 16 is ridiculous

I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding of your intentions here. I read it as you were saying that the daughter's condition might apply at any age so not really relevant, and another case where age wouldn't be relevant would be in the case of intellectual impairment. As two separate examples, not that they were the same thing or that one implied the other.

I think we were left overnight from about the age of 15/16 - it wasn't considered to be a big thing, and we lived in a village so everyone knew what we were up to anyway

My son is late teens and has high functioning autism. He is fine day to day but I'd worry about how he'd cope if a smoke alarm went off overnight and he was alone. At his age I'd left home.

Overnight 16 (old enough to live on their own), late night (early hours) return 14. Each child is different, though, and I generally don't think children get enough freedom these days.

Yes thank you that’s exactly what I meant, I just couldn’t be bothered explaining to the other commenter as they’re clearly desperate to be offended by one thing or another!

Yep, yep and yep. Both mine were 14 when I left them over night and 15 when I left them for a week. There's a 13 year age gap. The older one i left to go on holiday with the younger one (not abroad) and the youngest i left when I had to spend a week in hospital.

I would trust my eldest, almost 20, but she's autistic (high functioning) & hates to be left on her own, even during the day. My youngest ( recently turned 18) would probably have every emergency service including the coast guard out (we are in the Midlands!) & upset all the neighbours by having a massive party & probably break about a dozen laws!! Luckily, I'm single, broke & disabled (the magic trifectra!!) so never go out!!

Yup, I have left mine over night but they only agree if they are both around, which seems fair enough.

Mine didn’t get left alone at that age, might have done if I had family close by.

I was brought up similar to you so I was out babysitting from 13 walking myself home at 1am, looked after younger siblings and tons of other stuff. I was then kicked out at a very young age. I was seen as the eldest responsible one and my childhood was emotionally neglectful. So no that’s now how I parented.

You've had a sheltered life then. Some folk leave home for good at 16 which is a few months after 15! My friends parents left the country for a work secondment and left him home alone from just turned 16 for 5 years! It's not inappropriate at all, and there is also no law against it either.

14/15 is too young. Over 16 possibly. Depends on the child.

Very child dependant - I would have had no worries about leaving dd1 and dd2 home alone aged 16+ or for an evening from about 14 (dm and df live locally) but ds and dd3 would have been a different kettle of fish as ds is autistic and dd3 has AuDHD.

Dd3 is 18 and has just gone to university 400 miles away. Most of her friends will be studying much closer to home - a bit difficult to go further! I was speaking to one of her friend's dgm and she is not enjoying living in halls, despite having an ensuite. And there was no way she could share a bathroom. Also she is coming home every weekend to have her clothes washed and eat properly. I'd love dd3 to be closer but the sink or swim technique has something going for it. No ensuite for her.

We did from 17 but there were 2 of them!