AIBU to think teenagers should be capable of being home alone overnight without parental supervision?

[OtterlyMad]

Was chatting to colleagues over lunch today and one of them was complaining about how little time she and her husband get together due to having children. I know her kids are old enough to be doing GCSEs and A Levels so I asked why she and her husband couldn’t go away for a night or two without them, and she looked at me like I’d grown another head! We live in a small town with a low crime rate and she acknowledged that her quiet, studious daughters were extremely unlikely to set fire to the house or throw a party…

I explained to my colleague that by the age of 14 I was babysitting younger children overnight, from 15 my parents would go away for a week without us (and we’d be expected to cook our dinners, keep the house tidy, get ourselves to school etc.) and at 16 I was holidaying abroad with friends! She was appalled. I pointed out that her eldest would be going off to university and living independently in less than 2 years, all she could say was “well she’ll be 18 then” as if turning 18 would flip a switch and magically make her daughter capable of functioning as an adult.

I’d always planned on parenting in a similar way to how I was brought up - building maturity/confidence by gradually giving my kids more freedom and responsibility - but now I wonder if this approach would get social services called on me! I’m in my early 30s by the way so it’s not like my experience is from yonks ago, it would have been around 2010.

Would you find it completely unreasonable to leave a 14-15 year old and 16-17 year old at home alone overnight? (And if yes, when and how would you bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood?)

There a lot of people who live there lives through there kids to the point they make there kids reliant on them so they still need them

sad really as they aren’t equipping there kids for adulthood by not letting them stand on there own 2 feet gaining life skills and independence
they don’t want to let go of the reins it’s a combination of control and the fact they do everything for the kids they have no life of there own and when the kids grow up up there redundant
there’s thread after thread on here demonstrating this the other week where the mum wanted to go into her daughter’s work to complain and another where the mum was outraged that her son had been sacked for being late every day
there raising useless adults

I agree with this.

We get 8 new grads/sandwich students a year and I would say half need teaching to be grown ups.

• We give them a brand new car and they end up curbing the hell out of the alloys and get lost. - You ask them to drive 4 hours and they've only ever driven 10 minutes before so almost burst into tears
• they don't know how to work excel so just sit on their phones
• they're unable to partake in casual conversation
• they use the "didn't know I'd be expected to do that" line all the time. You're Grads for gods sake, you're a dog's body in order to see each part of the business!!

Fortunately there are some absolute stars every year who do very well. From speaking to them they've been independent from their parents way before Uni.

It’s not just what they’re capable of, it’s what they’re comfortable with. My parents would leave me home alone at 16 until late evening. Yes I didn’t burn the house down, but I was always nervous and worried and relieved when they got home.

I don’t think it’s really about what’s right for me, it’s more about how my daughters feel.My eldest is 16 and still doesn’t like staying home alone late at night or overnight, so she’ll usually ask to stay with her grandparents instead.

My youngest is 10 and, personally, I can’t imagine leaving her home alone until she’s at least 16. Maybe that’s gender bias, as I only have girls and no boys to compare with, but I’d be lying if I said I was completely comfortable with the idea.

We live in a very ordinary, middle-class area, but our house backs into quite dense woodland, and that probably influences how I feel too. We’re also very lucky to have incredibly involved grandparents.

Because that support is there, we’ve been able to make decisions based on what makes the girls feel comfortable rather than what’s strictly necessary.

Tbh If I’d been a single parent without that Support, I suspect I might have encouraged my eldest to be more independent sooner.

Every family’s circumstances are different though, and I think a lot depends on the individual child as much as their age

I agree. My eldest is 16 and he’s very independent. Goes off to college, always out with his mates, his GF, now has a part time job etc. He has a very full life, but ultimately he’s still my responsibility. We’ve had a couple of break ins around here too just recently. It’s just different parental standards.

Your post literally says tat 14 you were babysitting younger children over night. Are you even a parent?

From the age of 14 I was a paid babysitter for younger children (not my own siblings) overnight. From the age of 15 I was allowed to stay at home for a week while my parents went on holiday. Two separate things.

Yes I’m a parent, though not to teenagers yet.

Mine are 16 and 21 now. I started leaving older one for an occasional night at rising 16 and by the time he was 17, he was happy to be left for most of a week. Younger one came with us, as it wouldn't have been fair on older to make him in loco parentis, especially before the older could drive. We started leaving them together once the younger had got to 15, older 19. The longest they have been left together is 4 nights but that has been more about opportunities/need than feeling longer wouldn't be ok. Older is away at uni now, so younger gets occasional nights home alone, but until he is driving too, it is unlikely to be much longer.

I was happy leaving my eldest overnight alone at 15. But he was 17 or 18 before we left him for several nights. I would not have left him with his younger sibling, who would have been 11 when he was 15, for more than an hour or so in the day as they used to argue fiercely from time to time, definitely not overnight. DH and I have been happy to leave them both overnight from 19 (older child) and 15 (younger child). They are now 20 and 23 and we’ve left them alone together for a fortnight’s holiday with no issues, it’s lovely to get back home and find food in the fridge and everything clean and tidy (ish).

Are my teens responsible and sensible enough to be left overnight? Absolutely. Would I leave them overnight? Absolutely not. I would not be able to relax. In the very unlikely event that something went wrong, I could never forgive myself.

I suppose it depends on your situation- we’ve dodgy neighbours and there’s been a few break ins so I’d be a little bit dodgy leaving them (eldest 18 youngest 11 so different situation, I’d leave 18 and 16 yo but worry a lot!) I’ve never agreed with eg a 13yo or 14 yo babysitting overnight- we had a guy who’d broken down knock at the door at midnight one night, as a teen I’d have panicked, especially by the look of him!!!

Oh well, if you can get married and legally have sex at 16 then I guess that settles it. 😂 I mean, I technically could’ve gotten pregnant at 11 and nobody would’ve arrested me for being pregnant then either so should we start recommending motherhood to sixth graders? “Technically possible” and “technically legal” are both doing a hell of a lot of work when the actual question is whether 16 is a remotely sensible age to have a baby.

This happened to a friend of mine back in the 80s way before social media, so it would definitely be a concern these days. My friend's daughter invited a couple of friends over, word got out, and before she knew it, lots of teens showed up, including ones she didn't know. Some of them basically trashed the house, and some of my friend's good jewelry was stolen.

In the UK, the NSPCC recommends that children under 16 years old should never be left home alone overnight. 1]

I mean if you want to skip all of the context that came from the 5 or 6 posts that got us to that point 🙄

I was a teenager in the 1960s . My parents went visiting relatives in Scotland for two weeks leaving me aged 15 and my brother aged 16 at home alone .
We were both sensible kids and it didn’t worry us at all . If anything went wrong we knew the nextdoor neighbour would help out . We were fine and we even managed to keep the family dog alive .

That’s shit parenting

So is failing to adequately prepare your child for adulthood

Yeah but there’s a middle ground, I know absolutely no one who would leave a 15 year old for a week to go on holiday, I was brought up in the 80s and my parents wouldn’t dream of this

Adults also smoked around kids. Men were allowed to beat and r@&e their wives. No seatbelts.

Times have changed.

So what are you going to do when they stay out overnight themselves?

Cool so what is the middle ground then? Keeping in mind that people can legally move out and have their own kids at 16…

ive never known any 16 year old to do that without need significant support. Middle ground would be leaving them for a night not for a weeks holiday

This.

I have had to take a relative to hospital late at night before and left my 17 yr old to care for the 2 younger ones and they were alone overnight (A&E waits were very long). I did let some key neighbours know and made sure dd had their numbers etc.

She was brilliant and got them all up and out to school, packed lunches made and house locked up etc.

She is more than capable and did brilliantly. Doesn't mean she enjoyed it or it was a fair ask. Certainly didn't feel like good parenting at all.

I think it is nonsense to say that the only way to be prepared for adulthood is to be left alone in a house overnight from mid teens. I don't particularly relish late night lock up and having to deal with noises in the night as a much older adult!

No one does this at 16, or thinks it is a good idea!

My friend is a foster carer for teens - because social services don't expect them to live independently