AIBU to think teenagers should be capable of being home alone overnight without parental supervision?

[OtterlyMad]

Was chatting to colleagues over lunch today and one of them was complaining about how little time she and her husband get together due to having children. I know her kids are old enough to be doing GCSEs and A Levels so I asked why she and her husband couldn’t go away for a night or two without them, and she looked at me like I’d grown another head! We live in a small town with a low crime rate and she acknowledged that her quiet, studious daughters were extremely unlikely to set fire to the house or throw a party…

I explained to my colleague that by the age of 14 I was babysitting younger children overnight, from 15 my parents would go away for a week without us (and we’d be expected to cook our dinners, keep the house tidy, get ourselves to school etc.) and at 16 I was holidaying abroad with friends! She was appalled. I pointed out that her eldest would be going off to university and living independently in less than 2 years, all she could say was “well she’ll be 18 then” as if turning 18 would flip a switch and magically make her daughter capable of functioning as an adult.

I’d always planned on parenting in a similar way to how I was brought up - building maturity/confidence by gradually giving my kids more freedom and responsibility - but now I wonder if this approach would get social services called on me! I’m in my early 30s by the way so it’s not like my experience is from yonks ago, it would have been around 2010.

Would you find it completely unreasonable to leave a 14-15 year old and 16-17 year old at home alone overnight? (And if yes, when and how would you bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood?)

I wouldn't leave a child under 16 overnight and my parents certainly wouldn't have done it in the 80s either. It's always been considered neglectful. Anyone suggesting they are preparing them for adult life is making excuses.

Your parents were neglectful.

There’s a pretty big difference in maturity between a 16 and 18 year old…. And actually if her oldest is doing GCSE’s this year she’s likely to still be 15.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my 15 year old alone over night, let alone for several nights. And not because she isn’t sensible, because she is, she is capable of cooking, cleaning etc… but security wise I wouldn’t want to leave her alone and I don’t think she’d want to be left alone either.
I definitely wouldn’t leave a 15 year old in charge of a younger sibling, younger siblings are not the responsibility of the older ones imo.
I have a friend who happily goes away for a week abroad and leaves her 16 year old, and is planning a trip abroad and leaving her 16 & 13 year old together… BUT she does have parents, siblings and friends who will be on call 24/7 and running youngest to school etc
I personally wouldn’t do it though and I don’t think you’ve any right to judge her for not wanting to leave her 2 teens.

And actually I fail to see how not leaving a 15/16 year old over night alone is failing to prepare them for adulthood??
sure if your kids can’t cook, tidy up after themselves, wash up, do laundry etc then you’re failing to teach them life skills… but being left for a week alone at home isn’t teaching them anything. Sure they’re off to uni in a couple of years (if they go)… but even then they’re not exactly in a building completely alone are they?! There’s lots of things a 16 year old wouldn’t be expected to do that adults do.

Yes, leaving them alone doesn't teach them anything.

I never threw a party when my parents left me as a teen, but I did have quite a lot of sex which I'm sure they'd not have been happy about, so... I guess it depends on what you expect them to do. I certainly fed myself and didn't burn the house down (except that one time). I left home at 18, never went back.

Im going away for two weeks and leaving my 17 year old in a few months. As it’s approaching I’m getting more nervous but she is looking forward to it. We are taking time to build up her repertoire of meals, doing laundry (she’s fine with that). I reckon it will prepare her for university if she goes.

I think i was left from 14/15
at 16 I was at agricultural college living in halls so had to do most stuff myself

You weren't by yourself if you were in halls.

If there was only order teenagers in the home, but I would leave them to be responsible for younger children.

Of course. What I meant is I was left home alone before that which helped when I moved into halls and had to manage myself at 16. I never lived back at home after that

I've so far left my two (15 and 13) home alone overnight once, and I believe they're mature enough to be able to do it. Does depend on the kids though. But my kids know what to do in an emergency, can speak to neighbours both sides for help, and my mum and dad are a mile away. I'm pretty sure I was 15 when I would look after my brothers (13 & 10) for a whole week.

My neighbours left their 15 year old daughter home alone for a weekend. She had some friends round and 9 months later they were grandparents.

My DC were shocked to see year 7’s getting picked up directly from the gate like it was primary school this year, it’s the first year it’s happened. They would have DIED if we’d done anything of the sort and they’ve walked home alone since year 6.

We wonder why we have an anxiety epidemic. Parents completely mollycoddle their kids so when they do go to uni, they’re often like babies.

Just at the gate? DDs school had to send out a reminder that parents werent allowed on school grounds, ket alone in the building, at drop off (except by appointment).

Theres a drop off bay outside as the (rural) catchment is massive, public buses sketchy and many are hapoy to save their kids an hours walk.

They definitely shouldn’t have to provide a weeks holiday childcare at 15. That’s abuse.

We were left eg when I was 15 and DB 13 when parents went away abroad for a fortnight in 80s. We knew how to cook, had good helpful neighbours to call on and grandparents if necessary too.

Thinking back now maybe we could’ve been a year older but parents just left us to it.

We had a cleaner and regular check ins from people.

The one thing I would say is ensuring your home is safe and that teens know what to do in an emergency.

The problem is that lots of people do not prepare their children for independence. - they get to 16 and are unable to leave them alone for a night as they child has no idea how to cook a meal, what to do in an emergency etc.

No child gets to 18 and then can magically be an adult!! It starts young - getting them to lay the table when they are 5, getting them to wash dishes when they are 8, helping to cook a simple meal when they are 10 etc etc. Leaving them for an hour after school when they are 12 and so on.

All 16 year olds should be able to spend the night on their own barring additional needs or other circumstances. All of mine went to Scouts and Explorers and did DofE where they had to cook for themselves, find thier own route and set up camp. OK, there will be adults somewhere in the area checking in at various points but still, they skills are still being learnt.

DD has just gone to Uni and she is shocked at how many of her friends are unable to do a load of laundry, cook, food shop, etc. She is very grateful that we have always taught them skills for life and taken those small steps over the years to lead up to living 'alone' in halls.

We left ours from age 15/16 overnight - always with a specified adult nearby that was aware they were alone and could be called on in an emergency. I would never go abroad or hours and hours away but up to an hour or so away from home although mainly about 10 min as normally we are doing something like scout camp etc.

Honestly that’s absolutely nuts to me and I’m from the 80s, I really think that’s neglecgent. A 13 year old should not be left with no adult supervision for 2 weeks

When I was 16 and my sister 17 our mum would leave us for a night or 2 when she went away. At least 6 times a year 🤷🏼‍♀️ we never felt abandoned or neglected. We and the house survived.
I left my then 17 year old with his 18 year old DB whilst we took our then 5yo to Disneyland Paris for 3 nights (we offered them to come but neither wanted to). They both got themselves to sixth form and college, fed themselves and tidied their own mess and they were fine too! 17 year old was taught how to iron just before we went (autistic- woukd only wear the same 3 suits on repeat and could already wash and dry clothes competently). I washed, dried and ironed all 3 before we went, he just had to pick one of those, wash the trousers and shirt that he'd picked then dry and iron them. Oh and they had a dog, tortoise, iguana and chameleon to feed! They didnt feel abandoned or neglected either.
They knew what to do in an emergency, they knew they could go to a neighbours if they needed to. All was fine.

I still don't understand the route to how and why this sort of thing became the norm for many parents?