AIBU to think teenagers should be capable of being home alone overnight without parental supervision?

[OtterlyMad]

Was chatting to colleagues over lunch today and one of them was complaining about how little time she and her husband get together due to having children. I know her kids are old enough to be doing GCSEs and A Levels so I asked why she and her husband couldn’t go away for a night or two without them, and she looked at me like I’d grown another head! We live in a small town with a low crime rate and she acknowledged that her quiet, studious daughters were extremely unlikely to set fire to the house or throw a party…

I explained to my colleague that by the age of 14 I was babysitting younger children overnight, from 15 my parents would go away for a week without us (and we’d be expected to cook our dinners, keep the house tidy, get ourselves to school etc.) and at 16 I was holidaying abroad with friends! She was appalled. I pointed out that her eldest would be going off to university and living independently in less than 2 years, all she could say was “well she’ll be 18 then” as if turning 18 would flip a switch and magically make her daughter capable of functioning as an adult.

I’d always planned on parenting in a similar way to how I was brought up - building maturity/confidence by gradually giving my kids more freedom and responsibility - but now I wonder if this approach would get social services called on me! I’m in my early 30s by the way so it’s not like my experience is from yonks ago, it would have been around 2010.

Would you find it completely unreasonable to leave a 14-15 year old and 16-17 year old at home alone overnight? (And if yes, when and how would you bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood?)

My parents would leave me along in the evening to go to the cinema - the most notable time in 1963 when I was 11 and heard of JFK's assassination while on my crystal radio attached to the gas poker. And they went to Norway for a cruise for a week when I was 15, and later that summer my friend and I went to Blackpool for a week. And nothing bad happened! Kids need some independence, obviously if they can be trusted.

What would you do if your DD / DS 14/15 was terrified about being left alone during the day let alone overnight ?

15 & 17 kids here.

Would i leave them alone for an evening? Yes.
Would i leave them alone for 8/9 hours while l'm at work? Yes.

Would i deliberately plan to leave them alone over night? Nope. Not because I dont think they would be fine, but because its not necessary for anyone (yet).

No. I wouldn’t do it overnight and mine are 16 and 14. There’s been quite a few break ins/armed robberies round here just recently.

Absolutely not the house would be trashed. There would definitely be a party

here's a slightly different beat, within the same theme: tonight I was talking with a (brought up in a small town) friend about how I and a friend (both from inner NWLondon), around 1958, would buy a Red Rover child ticket (2/6d - that's "two and six" or "half-a-crown" = 12.5p) & spend Sundays roaming around for the whole day, going any- and every- where we fancied.
Mainly, we haunted the (free entry) Museums in Sth Ken. But we also tested the edges of the Red Rover range - e.g. Borehamwood; Pinner; Denham. We were 11yr olds. It was thought perfectly normal to allow children our age to do this.
I think there were the usual contingent of willy-wavers around, but we were used to that & just ran off.
It occurs to me that now, today, children in inner London would be just as safe using London Transport buses and tubes. But parental anxiety has just closed down opportunities to trust that children can be safe on their own out and about. I think, probably, it'll be the case that urban children (& suburban children) are both a) safer and b) more savvy about safety issues than children in rural settings.

Welcoming feedback on these thoughts.

From the age of 11 i was regularly left in charge of my younger sister while my mother went to the pub with my father for a couple of hours. This only happened every few months but it was obviously a welcome break for my mum.

From age 16 I never went on a holiday with my parents again. So they obviously went off to caravans in Wales leaving 16 year old me to manage alone. My parents did not have a land line til the 1970s and this was in the 1960s. They did ask the NDN (who did have a phone) to "keep an eye" on me and I don't know to what extent they kept tabs or phoned her to check. I was not into wild parties and quite liked being alone. The experience meant I was used to looking after myself and getting to work on time.

I also had a work colleague who went away regularly and I used to stay in her flat in exchange for looking after her terrapins and plants. So when I did finally leave home (early 20s) I was entirely accustomed to housekeeping, shopping and cooking for myself'. I feel truly sorry for today's kids and all their helicopter parenting.

Why would he learn to do anything else if he knows he won't have to ever take care of himself? Necessity drives growth.

Yeah, I mean I thought it was clear it was a bit tongue in cheek? I don’t leave him much because if I’m going anywhere he is usually coming because it’s a holiday, not because I can’t/wont leave him.

I agree with you @OtterlyMad. A couple of fairly sensible teens of these ages should be capable of coping fine for a night or two. I agree with you that parents need to gradually teach the DC skills, including becoming more independent.

I definitely wouldn't leave my DC for a week for an adult exclusive holiday. I don't think that's fair and would rather holiday as a family. I think a night or two is fine though.

That’s called being a parent to a child

Ah, I didn't get that. Some of the posts are a bit crazy.

Might be time for some kind of counselling then.

Sorry 🤣

I was more implying that he is a typical lazy teen who would rather go get food than bother to make it. That or just go without.

To be fair I’m at home on my own today/tomorrow, I had a bacon sandwich for tea on Friday, then I’ve had a chicken sandwich for lunch, another chicken sandwich for tea, and I would bet I skip breakfast tomorrow and probably won’t even do lunch because I have no bread left, so I am a terrible role model when alone…I blame my OCD though, it forces me into odd ways

At age 15 not letting your child watch stranger things??? That’s not parenting, it’s controlling

No. That's being controlling. Children need to be given advice about making sensible choices and the risks of certain things but, at some point, they need to make their own decisions. DC need to learn this gradually. They don't suddenly become fully capable on their 18th birthday! Or maybe this friend of the pp intends to be doing the same when they are 30 or 40.

What she said.

Very much depends on the child, whether you can leave them alone for one or maybe two nights. Two nights would be my limit, I think.
Leaving a 14YO child to look after kids overnight though... What parent could possibly be happy to leave their kids in the hands of a 14YO for more than a few hours? I was quite a laid back parent compared to many but find that shocking.

At ages 14 and 16 me and my DSIS would have killed each other if left alone for a week and if left for a night, we definitely would have a massive house party and set the house on fire - that’s exactly what happened.

It really really depends on the kids involved. No one with a teen who’s off the rails is left overnight without repercussions, let alone for a whole week!

Sorry but I find that a bit sad. There are plenty of ways to learn to be an adult whilst inviting your kids on holidays and not ditching them to go to the pub. 11 year olds don’t need responsibility, they need space and time to do homework and decompress and chat to their parents about their issues.

By aged 14 I could cook and do my own laundry, by aged 15 I had a job and aged 17 when I left home I could look after myself well. My parents were around though, not off down the pub and I still got invited on family holidays even after leaving home.

I have a 16yo (and two older ones). I'd leave him alone overnight now, but I wouldn't have when he was 14yo.

I would leave a 16-17yo alone overnight or for a few days if they were genuinely comfortable with it and I trusted their judgement and there was an adult available locally for emergencies. I would not leave a 14-15yo alone overnight, and therefore I would not leave the two alone together as it would be making the older in some sense responsible for the younger, which is not fair. (I've actually had this situation with a 14 yo and 17yo, and the 17yo chose to stay alone although she could have stayed with a friend. The 14yo went to a friend's house, no other option given.) I don't think the reminiscences of what people's parents did back in the 20th century are particularly relevant to what is advisable today.

No, definitely not. A family member went away leaving older teenage kids and came home to a disaster. One of those parties happened where it goes on to the net and by carrier pigeon, and the house was pillaged, literally, by a couple of hundred 'young adults'. They actually had to have a new bathroom - the bath was split, water everywhere, broken shower, The whole house was a wreck. It cost thousands in repair bills.

So many factors. Maturity, interaction with siblings, availability of strong local support network but a few.

"Risk Assessment" completed 😄 Fine to be absent for one night or perhaps two for something really special.

However, it seems there are always going to be some parents who are being selfish/taking the piss. You can't just go back to multiple cosy weekends away to "reconnect" with each other or have boozy nights with friends, just because your children are a little older now. Under the guise of fostering maturity and independence.

And, most 18 year olds live in Halls of
Residence at first, for those banging on about "oh they"ll be off to Uni in a year or 2".