AIBU to think teenagers should be capable of being home alone overnight without parental supervision?

[OtterlyMad]

Was chatting to colleagues over lunch today and one of them was complaining about how little time she and her husband get together due to having children. I know her kids are old enough to be doing GCSEs and A Levels so I asked why she and her husband couldn’t go away for a night or two without them, and she looked at me like I’d grown another head! We live in a small town with a low crime rate and she acknowledged that her quiet, studious daughters were extremely unlikely to set fire to the house or throw a party…

I explained to my colleague that by the age of 14 I was babysitting younger children overnight, from 15 my parents would go away for a week without us (and we’d be expected to cook our dinners, keep the house tidy, get ourselves to school etc.) and at 16 I was holidaying abroad with friends! She was appalled. I pointed out that her eldest would be going off to university and living independently in less than 2 years, all she could say was “well she’ll be 18 then” as if turning 18 would flip a switch and magically make her daughter capable of functioning as an adult.

I’d always planned on parenting in a similar way to how I was brought up - building maturity/confidence by gradually giving my kids more freedom and responsibility - but now I wonder if this approach would get social services called on me! I’m in my early 30s by the way so it’s not like my experience is from yonks ago, it would have been around 2010.

Would you find it completely unreasonable to leave a 14-15 year old and 16-17 year old at home alone overnight? (And if yes, when and how would you bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood?)

I was left alone a lot. Mum worked, sometimes she worked nights and our nearest family was in a different country. We had friendly neighbours who could help if I got stuck but I was fine and enjoyed a bit of independence.
I think the issue is less leaving teenagers alone at this age and more what you pointed out - the switch doesn't magically flip when one turns 18. The reason my mum was able to comfortably leave me home alone for extended periods was because she spent a lot of time from an early age teaching me how to look after myself. So it really wasn't a problem when the need arose.
On the other hand, I once suggested that my 15 year old stepdaughter runs to the pharmacy at the end of the road to pick up a prescription and my partner looked at me like I was insane. He still leaves work for an hour to pop back home to make her breakfast during school holidays.

It’s you who hasn’t explained well, OP. Of course the age of the oldest child left at home is highly relevant here. You first implied that it was 15yo you, but now are saying that you had older siblings there.

I think 16 is probably the youngest I’d consider leaving in charge at home overnight, and it would very much depend on the sibling dynamics.

We left ours for a night for the first time when the eldest was 18 and the youngest 15, but a couple of weeks before his 16th birthday. We then left them for 2 nights a couple of months later at 16 and 18,

I think it meant neglectful if you ‘couldn’t’ leave them, not if you didn’t. Like if you hadn’t brought them up to be able to cope overnight for one night at 17, then you’ve probably done them a disservice.

Though knowing what mine was like then, if I left him at 17 overnight I would have had a text asking me to order him a pizza and if I didn’t he would have starved until morning, so I’m not sure I’ve done a good job to be honest 🤦‍♀️

My dc are quite sensible, but j don't think I'd leave them alone over night until around 16. There are too many thinks that could happen.

I largely agree with your point OP. I do think it sounds like you were left to your own devices/given responsibility a bit young, but my parents regularly went away from me and my brother being 15 and 17 and we were absolutely fine. He's older and I think they left him alone overnight from 15 and took me with them or I'd go to grandparents. I babysat overnight from 16 for friends and family.

We do kids a disservice by not preparing them for adult life, you don't flick a switch on their 18th birthday and suddenly they are prepared to be a functional adult. They need opportunities to build those skills to look after themselves from much earlier. It depends on the individual kids, their maturity level and relationship with any siblings who would also be there, but excepting SEN or medical needs any 16 year old should be capable of looking after themselves for a few days, doing their own laundry, cooking their own meals etc.

Oh yeah I mean that’s not good. But the previous poster mixed a couple of bits up.

I don’t even know if I would leave my 18 year old for more than a couple of nights to be honest, he is useless. Would probably live on McDonalds

My two are nearly 2 years apart and my thoughts were always that it needed to be ok for the younger one ie I didn’t want the older one to be “looking after” the younger one.

Think the first time they were left alone overnight they’d have been 16 and 17 which worked for us.

My dd17 does this sometimes but I wouldn’t call it babysitting overnight as the parents do come home eventually

Also went away overnight for my 50th, left the eldest at home, he was 17. The youngest was 14 and went to my parents.

NSPCC (which as there is no actual law is what the government point people to) recommend children are not left overnight until they are 16 (obviously it is fine if they are a bit younger and an older sibling is an adult that can be trusted!). So while I agree if her youngest is over 16 she is being a bit precious, she isn’t that far over the guidelines

Completely agree with you, I used to love it when my mum and dad went off on a two week holiday and I’d be left at home, I was 16, but before that I’d be left overnight too and used to put the music on full blast and look in the drinks cabinet lol. We’ve always trusted our son too, he loves having the house to himself.

Same!! French exchange every year from 14. Was babysitting overnight for local neighbours at 13 too. Having said that I have twins and I don't trust them to get on overnight yet. My son left the front door unlocked all day two weeks ago.

You can only get married at 16 in Scotland and Northern Ireland, not in England or Wales.

If they get on well and they are both responsible, then I think it's fine to leave them overnight at those ages.

I don't think it would be ok to leave a 15yo overnight on their own.

16+? Yes, if they're happy and sensible.

i think both stances are extreme. It is unusual to leave a 14 or 15 year old alone for a week. It's also unusual to feel unable to leave a 16-18 year old alone overnight.

The more normal approach (ie, what I did 😁) is to start to leave them home alone overnight from about 15.

really? why not?

Maybe it's because we live in a village but round here that would be very normal

Times have changed. My free range 80s childhood would have definitely not been the done thing with my own kids.
I can't imagine my kids doing cross country train journeys alone at 8 or 9, or exploring building sites and making dens in graveyards.

I know my 15&13yos would be perfectly fine left overnight. They are extremely capable and trustworthy.

I wouldnt enjoy a night away knowing they are alone though.

It has been proved repeatedly that teenagers do not wake up for smoke alarms. Their immature brains still rely on their parents to sound the alarm.

Teenagers should be trustworthy by sixteen but if you aren't there and there is a fire, the chances are they won't hear the alarm.

There are a number of other things that could happen that they will not be able to deal with on their own.

I've left my DS once overnight when he was 17, in an emergency. I wouldn't do it through choice.

Well we were each looking after ourselves, independently. My brother is 18 months older but he was not responsible for me in any way (if anything I would have been the one in charge as I was much more mature!) we didn’t even have each other’s schedules. But I get some people feel it makes a difference

Yep…Gretna Green? From my post you’re replying to?

At 16 my nephew was staying home for a week on his own as he hates the heat and didn’t want to go on holiday. He did have a lot of extended family around though who would check in with him.

my dd15 has been staying home at night (not overnight) when dh and I go out for a few hours.

Yes, I can read.

I think if you don't have dc yourself, especially dc in their teens, you can't really have an opinion, not a nuanced one anyway. I was babysitting at 13, but I wouldn't be happy for my dc to do the same. My eldest dc would have been perfectly capable of looking after herself alone in her mid teens, but she would very likely have had friends over and wouod probably have ended up with an out of control party on her hands. My youngest at 16 could not be trusted alone overnight, absolutely not, she would be nervous and quite likely to do something daft. The middle three would all be absolutely fine alone at that age.