AIBU to think teenagers should be capable of being home alone overnight without parental supervision?

[OtterlyMad]

Was chatting to colleagues over lunch today and one of them was complaining about how little time she and her husband get together due to having children. I know her kids are old enough to be doing GCSEs and A Levels so I asked why she and her husband couldn’t go away for a night or two without them, and she looked at me like I’d grown another head! We live in a small town with a low crime rate and she acknowledged that her quiet, studious daughters were extremely unlikely to set fire to the house or throw a party…

I explained to my colleague that by the age of 14 I was babysitting younger children overnight, from 15 my parents would go away for a week without us (and we’d be expected to cook our dinners, keep the house tidy, get ourselves to school etc.) and at 16 I was holidaying abroad with friends! She was appalled. I pointed out that her eldest would be going off to university and living independently in less than 2 years, all she could say was “well she’ll be 18 then” as if turning 18 would flip a switch and magically make her daughter capable of functioning as an adult.

I’d always planned on parenting in a similar way to how I was brought up - building maturity/confidence by gradually giving my kids more freedom and responsibility - but now I wonder if this approach would get social services called on me! I’m in my early 30s by the way so it’s not like my experience is from yonks ago, it would have been around 2010.

Would you find it completely unreasonable to leave a 14-15 year old and 16-17 year old at home alone overnight? (And if yes, when and how would you bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood?)

We thought carefully about leaving ours, 16 going on 17, and 14, overnight. But then we both remembered being out all night, god knows where, at that age, so went away and enjoyed our night.

Kids were fine. They ordered food (paid for by us) and chilled.

I think your parents were neglectful. DS will be 17 soon and hasnt been left alone overnight yet although there has been no reason to /opportunity hasn't arisen.

I think that teens are often woefully prepared for independence. Leaving kids overnight from 14/15+ is fine. All sorts of caveats about individual personalities but by that age I would expect most to be able to cook, cope and crack on.

It depends on the teenager.

Covid also stunted the path to independence for my daughter’s cohort. Just when they should have been starting to explore the world a bit on their own, we locked them away. They have been playing catchup ever since.

mine didn’t suffer academically, but simple things like buying something in a shop were much harder skills for her to learn.

Most parents would happily let their 14 or 15 year old roam outside of the house without parental supervision (walking to school, hanging out in the park, going to the cinema etc.) so what is it about being inside the house that is inherently worse? Genuine question I’m trying to understand the mindset

I think a few people did as it reads that way but if that’s not the case then obviously ignore

This is such a valid point I hadn’t even considered the impact of COVID

I was babysitting regularly from 12 and overnight from 13. I wouldn’t have cared if my parents had gone away for a night or two.

But I have no idea if I’ll do it with my kids. They’re under 6 at the minute but I really don’t know who they’ll be in 8 years’ time. They’re pretty clued in and I have no reason to think they’ll have any problems but who knows. If I don’t think they’re ready or - crucially - they don’t want to be left alone then I won’t. And I won’t take it as a personal failure, it’s not mandatory.

It sounds like you don’t have kids (yet), is that right?

I left my DD, with friends at 15. However there was family near by and my neighbours had my phone number. I know of people who have been bullied, assaulted and sexually assaulted/harassed by the friends of their older sibling. You've got to know and be honest about your teens and their friends. We are all still shocked by the murders of a younger sibling/relative, when they've been in alone together. So it's absolutely up to the parents/family and there's no 'should'. I don't think a 16 year old should be left in charge of a 14 year old and there's many threads about the parents doing that and it changing the relationship between siblings. There's just no need, unless you are a single parent and it's an emergency.

You said this. Are you confused?

I explained to my colleague that by the age of 14 I was babysitting younger children overnight, from 15 my parents would go away for a week without us (and we’d be expected to cook our dinners, keep the house tidy, get ourselves to school etc.)

We left Dc over the weekend when they were 14 and 17, to go to a wedding (that they weren’t invited to).

We were several hours away, but have neighbours who could have been called on in an emergency.

I think it depends on the child - mine were fine, both very sensible and dependable, and crucially both Dc were delighted at the idea and enjoyed being alone.

We would have done it more often, but tbh DH and I don’t get out much!

Older one is away at university now, I’d maybe leave younger one for a night as a one-off, but I think not longer than that at the moment, different if a sibling is there too, but otherwise I think it’s a bit lonely rather than fun.

Mine are that age now. I was left alone for the weekend from 15/16 (Y11). In the 90s.

DC1 has been alone a night or two once or twice. No qualms there, really. Though has been known to forget to turn the burner off on the hob or go out and leave bedroom windows wide open.

DC2 as a personality is just much less able to cook etc. I hope by 17/18 they'll also be reliable enough to leave for a night. Not because I plan on leaving them, but because it's my job to teach them independence.

If left alone at home together, my two would probably have unholy screaming rows and disturb the neighbours, so I wouldn't leave them for that reason.

To be completely honest I would describe a parent as neglectful if their 17 year old couldn’t be left alone overnight - at that age you can literally move out/get married/have kids! Failure to prepare young people to function as adults should be taken more seriously

No, you can't

I knew someone who was still controlling what she let her 15 year old watch on TV, and I don’t even mean like just not watching porn so having parental blocks, I actually mean if a tv series was a bit risqué or too violent she couldn’t watch it, even some dramas etc.

Limited her TV time too, said her daughter didn’t mind, and her older one had never minded either. She was a massive micro manager at work too, you could tell what she would be like at home

I agree with your broader point, children should be slowly extended increasing amounts of independence to prepare them for adulthood.

In practice it depends on the child.

We left ours over night occasionally (for a few days, not weeks) from 16. They would have been fine at 15, but should there have been an emergency eg a fire) we reckoned we’d probably find it more difficult to explain leaving a 15 yo overnight than a 16yo so we didn’t.

I do have friends who could not have left their kids at the same age. They either bicker constantly and would kill each other or just wouldn’t have been able to cope with having to cook/lock up/do laundry etc etc

It’s not all upbringing either, some people are just less competent/mature/confident than others and it takes them longer.

I do think we blame COVID unnecessarily for things, you can teach your children independence while being in the same house as them. The opposite is also true, I know kids who live at uni away from home and still aren’t independent.

Yes you can…married in Gretna from 16, sex legally from 16 so birthing before even turning 17, and you can legally leave home at 16 too.

14 seems very young to leave for a full week - even when I was growing up I think that would have been seen as neglectful. A mature 14 year old might be ok on their own overnight if there was a trusted adult nearby but I imagine 16 is closer to the average. You might find you have a super mature kids who get on and you can leave or you might find they fight like cat and dog and can't be left unattended for more than an hour without causing mayhem. Sometimes our parenting plans don't match with reality.

Yes, but that's because you were left at home for a week when you were 15! That's impacted your views.

It's ok to leave a 17yo overnight, but not necessary for their development, and certainly not neglectful not to.

You can, not in England, but other parts of the UK exist 🙂

In practice it’s rare, but legally speaking you can leave home or get married without parental permission from 16 in Scotland.

I do agree with you that there is another end of the scale that is also negligent, ie not allowing children to develop their own independence and be capable.

I never said I couldn't- if you read properly. I said the opportunity hadnt arisen.

You’ve turned 2 separate things into 1. Her parents left her overnight, and she babysat overnight.

No the “younger children” weren’t my own siblings, they were neighbours or family friends that I was being paid to babysit - kids only a few years younger than myself so not babies or toddlers. Rather than have to stay up until midnight (or 2-3am if it was a wedding) waiting for the parents to come back and then have to be driven home, I would just sleep over at their house.

Her parents left them for a week, which is very different.