AIBU to feel put off when he hints at staying over? Dating in menopause

[Slowromance]

I've met a lovely man online- he's friendly, kind nice and I really like him. We met at the end of August and have probably had 10 dates. I've had the chat with him about wanting to go slow with the physical side due to menopause and also, I tend to only gather attraction to someone when I like them a lot and develop feelings for them. This is developing nicely for me- I enjoy seeing him, cuddling and kissing and there are stirrings of wanting more so I'm confident this will develop on. He's said he's fine with a slow pace but a few hints are creeping in (he's coming for dinner at the weekend and he's said "shall I bring my toothbrush just in case?") The thing is, every time he pushes even slightly, it pushes me away.
Has anyone else dated in menopause and felt the same? Any advice gratefully received!

She has said that she does fancy him though, and does have urges, but she wants to wait longer, as she has only been seeing him for about 5 weeks!

I am menopause age like the OP, (early 50s) and if DH and I split (been together 30-ish years) I would feel horrified at the thought of another man seeing me naked and having sex with him. It's anxiety inducing, and scary being intimate with another man when you're 50-ish or older, when you have been out of the game since your 20s! And I would very likely not be shagging him even after 5 weeks.

If he's not happy with that, he can fuck off.

Oh please don't do this, Do not invite a man who fancies you to spend the night in bed with you, and say 'but no sex.' What would this accomplish?

Tbh it's what someone might do as a very young woman - a 'shit test' to see if he really loves you or if all he wants is sex.

I am cringing to think that at your age you could even consider it.

Why should she have sex with him on anyone's terms but her own? This is one of those times when I wonder about the sex of posters!

Fair enough, I'm a little older by the sounds of it and embarked on a new relationship in my late 40s after the marriage to the father of my children ended. If course it was scary, TBH I just wanted to jump in and get the awkwardness out of the way rather than prolong it for weeks or months on end and work myself into an even bigger state!

If the man's in a similar age group he's going to have his own fears and insecurities too - if he's the right person, neither should feel intimidated.

Wow everything on here is so dramatic
I'm not 'terrified' I'm not 'recoiling' I'm not 'whining' I'm not 'unhappily single and sexless'
I am a normal woman with 2 long term relationships which have been healthy and fulfilling sexually.
I also like this new bloke and yes I do fancy him, but not ready to have sex yet. Yes there have been 10 dates in a month/ 5 weeks and they have been varying in length from coffee to dinner etc
Menopause comes into it (not because it 'comes into everything these days' but because in menopause I have become more confident with boundaries and knowing myself. As also explained my sexual feelings wane when not in a relationship and have done even when I was 20 !
I'm 53 now

Well aren't you the Lucky Ducky.

Mine dropped like off Beachy Head.

I disagree with PPs; go at your own pace, not his. Don’t rush in to anything you’re uncomfortable with. Don’t ask him to stay over until you’re absolutely ready.

This sounds really sensible.

I've told our teen kids that how someone treats when you say no to them is a really important indicator for how they will treat you.

But...have you ever had a situation like this go badly? NAMALT obviously but men can often be aggressive when told 'no'. Then you're stuck with him alone in your house. I'd be wary of that.

Good for her, I'm glad it worked out.

But the OP isn't holding back because of preconceived notions of what 'naice girls' do (nice shaming there btw), she simply doesn't feel ready yet. Its not about you, your sister or the woman next door, its about the OP making choices that work for her.

And people on this thread are telling her she needs to put out or she'll lose her man.

Ofc there's no guarantee of a long term relationship developing (if that's what you want) because you wait to get to know someone before sex. But surely its more likely?

And above all its personal choice.

Good for you! 😘 Stick to your guns. Ignore the 'shag him soon or he will leave you' posters, they're talking nonsense and are probably mostly men!

But the OP isn't holding back because of preconceived notions of what 'naice girls' do (nice shaming there btw), she simply doesn't feel ready yet. Its not about you, your sister or the woman next door, its about the OP making choices that work for her.

Yeah this! ^ Mocking and deriding women who don't want to have sex with a man (within a few dates,) and saying they are 'naice girls' and 'pearl clutchers' and so on is unconscionable.

Disgusting misogynism!

So, have you told him that when he hints at staying overnight, it pushes you away? Sounds like a conversation might help. I think it is 100% fine to have sex whenever you want to. You are the only person who can determine when the time is right.

I just wonder how it would sit with someone to be told that when they hint at something you claim you do want to do, it makes you pull away (if recoil is considered too dramatic a term). I have often wanted physically to have sex with someone but waited until I felt sure for other reasons. But when they mentioned that they wanted to have sex with me, it didn't push me away. It made me think "mmmmmmmm, you are attractive and there's something to look forward to". However, I have also ignored the feelings of being pushed away and had sex with someone where my instinct was pushing me away but I've rationaled it away and it has not led to the outcome I would have hoped for.

That is what I was trying to get at.

I'm glad you said that, I was thinking that too.

Yes sex is always on the woman's terms. Hope that helps for all the men out there.

You're not ready for a relationship OP. Stop playing games with this guy. Ten dates in and you're suggesting he's being unreasonable for wanting or expecting sex. I'm sure you have plenty of friends you you can hang out with in the evenings if you want company. But you should be honest with this man that you're not looking for a relationship. By your own admission, you're not even sexually attracted to him.

Yep.

So men get no say? They have to just do it when the woman wants?

Or do you mean the sex of the people are irrelevant and it should only occur when both parties consent to it?

Or you mean it's just up to the woman? Sex when she says. No sex when she says?

Literally not a word of what I have actually said!

Nope. How about when I have said several times that I AM attracted to him

The toothbrush comment would piss me right off, especially as you've been so clear about your feelings. You're perfectly entitled to wait until you're ready, and it's only been a month!

This is so bonkers it made me laugh out loud! Yes this poor miserable lost soul peering through her net curtains at the men bounding up to the neighbours' doors which open to show a woman in skimpy lingerie and then she has to listen to them humping on the welcome mat.
Much more likely she develops a strong relationship with effective boundaries and when she is ready, and only then, shags him on the welcome mat.

I have learned more recently that I value my independence and boundaries are important and letting someone anyone cross them has been frustrating, annoying and upsetting, as I have felt pressurised to agree to this recently.

However . How far away from each other do you live and do you have a spare room that you could describe as a ' guest' room ? These are quite important factors when deciding on where you want your personal boundaries .
And Sex still requires consent after menopause!

Don't let him stay if you are not comfortable with the idea. It is much harder to say no and reset the boundary if you accede to his request.

If sex should always be on the woman's terms then what about those women who would like more sex but their husbands/partners don't? like me

This thread is batshit.

Good for you OP for knowing your boundaries and sticking to them.

Bizarre the amount of posters asserting that because she isn't ready yet she's playing games, or doesn't fancy him.

I must admit I did think this was hilariously crazy

hey life is short cast your knickers to the wind you have been out for ten dates get yourself a tube of KY Jelly and some condoms enjoy yourself!