AIBU to feel put off when he hints at staying over? Dating in menopause

[Slowromance]

I've met a lovely man online- he's friendly, kind nice and I really like him. We met at the end of August and have probably had 10 dates. I've had the chat with him about wanting to go slow with the physical side due to menopause and also, I tend to only gather attraction to someone when I like them a lot and develop feelings for them. This is developing nicely for me- I enjoy seeing him, cuddling and kissing and there are stirrings of wanting more so I'm confident this will develop on. He's said he's fine with a slow pace but a few hints are creeping in (he's coming for dinner at the weekend and he's said "shall I bring my toothbrush just in case?") The thing is, every time he pushes even slightly, it pushes me away.
Has anyone else dated in menopause and felt the same? Any advice gratefully received!

Agreed. It's so totally depressing. 'If you don't shag him SOON, you've only got yourself to blame if he bins you!' 😕

WTAF am I reading on here?

As I said, some posters on here are clearly scared of losing the man they're dating if they're just shagging him quickly so he won't dump her.

SMH. 😐

!

Well of course it is what the OP wants, it's her body!
Are you suggesting she should have sex with him because it's what he wants, even if she isn't ready?
The OP has been clear with him about boundaries so your assumption that it's a power play is plainly nonsense.

I met my boyfriend at 48, LDR for a few years and I didn't stay at his house until about 4 months in and 8 or so dates; he had his spare room set up for me on that occasion.

We took everything very slowly because I have 2 (young adult) children. He moved in with us last year, after 5 years of dating and weekends at one another's homes.

I'm not sure how or why 'menopause' has to come into it (but it appears to have to come into everything nowadays)?

I think you should tell him exactly how you feel, OP.

Yes, exactly how it should be! She shouldn't do anything she doesnt want to do. Its her body, her choice and it should be on her terms. She has sex when she's ready not to please someone else or their timmeline. If he doesnt like it he can choose not to see her anymore.

Read it back - you’re the one who mentioned two months.

OP if someone said to me "shall I bring my toothbrush" I would recoil. Nothing wrong with saying it or the intention but just the phrasing and preplanned notion would put me off. But that's just me. He sounds like a decent bloke and not putting you under pressure.

Really? I thought it was you 🤯

Maybe this conversation between us happened because I accidentally replied to the wrong poster. I definitely read someone (incorrectly) say 2 months and it wasn't me 😂

Some of us “shag quickly” (your words) because we feel passion and have needs, ignoring the pearl clutchers who tell us what “naice girls” shouldn’t do.

My own sister bedded her now husband the day they met and they’ve been married for years. The amount of time between meeting and having sex is academic and not a yardstick to measure whether a friendship will develop into a long term relationship.

Here are some quotes from you on separate posts:

• If I was dating someone for 2 months and…
• IMO after 2 months you aren't feeling emotionally connected…
• And some people can feel deeply emotionally connected to someone after 2 months…
• would expect most sexually experienced adults to be ready for sex after 2 months…
• just IMO most people would feel that after 2 months and if you feel no emotional connection after 2 months then…

So if you don’t want casual sex you’re a pearl clutcher 🙄

Internalised misogyny much?

Yes, the first was in reply to 2 PPs (who I'm not going to name because I'm sure they dont want to be dragged into a side thread misunderstanding) who quoted 2 months incorrectly. I also pointed out the OP had been dating for 1 month, not 2.

You then replied to my reply to the PP re: 2 months and the rest is history 😁

Agreed. I feel like I've stepped into a Medieval parallel universe on this thread. 'Woman, give man what he wants!'

WTF?

I bet men LOVE some of the posters on here, who hop into bed with them by the 3rd or 4th date! Because they don't want to lose him!

Believe it or not, some of us actually want it to. It's about giving us what we want. We like sex. When we don't want sex with someone after ten dates, it's usually a sign that we don't have to type of passionate attraction we want in a relationship and cool things off. We don't try and change someone we see as a mate into a husband and expect a mutually happy romantic connection that way.

Yep. Just one of the disgusting misogynistic posts on this thread, seemingly from WOMEN. If not hopping into bed with a man after 3 dates makes me a 'pearl clutcher' then I shall wear that badge with pride.

Imagine not even being able to fathom that other women desire sex!

Fine, you do you.

But the horrible posts on here - aimed at the OP - saying she is a red flag, and the relationship is doomed, and she should 'stop playing games,' and 'stop the controlling behaviour,' because she doesn't want to hop into bed with a man she has been seeing for around FIVE WEEKS are absolutely disgusting.

Some posters should be ashamed of themselves, genuinely.

Imagine not being able to fathom that other women desire sex but would like to feel a deep connection and security before letting a man literally inside them.

I'm just adding another voice to those saying that there's nothing wrong with not having sex with someone after a month of dating.

It doesn't matter whether other people follow the same timescale, this is your relationship and your life. You should do it your way.

Don’t let him sleep over unless you’re ready to have sex. This is batshit advice. All this ‘you can sleep in the same bed but not have sex’ is of course true, if you’re in an established sexual relationship, but inviting a new bloke over to share your bed is just crazy, if you’re then taking sex off the table. Why would you even suggest this to him. Just go out for dinner and go your separate ways as normal, until you’re ready to be more intimate!

After 10 dates though, I have to say…he’s being very patient!

I don't disagree with you there but I do think it's a little unusual (and possibly concerning for the future of this relationship) that the OP isn't even having any urges in that regard, having spent so much time with him. I understand waiting until she feels emotionally safe but I'd at least want to start to build some sexual tension and move past cuddles.

I might have missed if OP gave her age - menopausal could mean 40s or 70s+. This setup sounds more like the latter.

Either he's not turning her on, or maybe her repeated references to menopause are code for no/low libido in general?

I used the term "red flag" because if you are a person trying to avoid a sexless relationship, then this whole situation is a red flag for that being the case later on down the line.

OP is telling him that sex isn't important to her. She doesn't really care about sexual compatibility in her relationships. She's admitted this in her posts. He should listen to this and move on instead of whining five years later that they have a sexless relationship.

My post was in response to someone thinking that sex is just something men want and women give them rather than a mutually enjoyable and desirable activity.

The example l gave (that of my sister) led to marriage. That’s not casual!

The point l tried to make was that there is no yardstick to measure time before initiating sex with someone.

Or....

OP is looking for a man who is genuinely into her not just looking for sex.

She waits. He goes elsewhere. She dodges a bullet.

OP wins!

And then OP continues to confuse the desire for a healthy relationship that includes an active sex life with a desire to only have sex. She maintains this false dichotomy in future relationships, and finds that next to no attractive men are interested in jumping through hoops for what should be normal intimacy.

They all go on to have healthy, loving, rounded relationships with other women without sexual hangups, and the OP stays unhappily single looking in from the outside.