AIBU to feel put off when he hints at staying over? Dating in menopause

[Slowromance]

I've met a lovely man online- he's friendly, kind nice and I really like him. We met at the end of August and have probably had 10 dates. I've had the chat with him about wanting to go slow with the physical side due to menopause and also, I tend to only gather attraction to someone when I like them a lot and develop feelings for them. This is developing nicely for me- I enjoy seeing him, cuddling and kissing and there are stirrings of wanting more so I'm confident this will develop on. He's said he's fine with a slow pace but a few hints are creeping in (he's coming for dinner at the weekend and he's said "shall I bring my toothbrush just in case?") The thing is, every time he pushes even slightly, it pushes me away.
Has anyone else dated in menopause and felt the same? Any advice gratefully received!

I'm unsure why you're posting. You don't want to sleep with him yet, he wants to sleep with you but is happy to wait. It's a non story. You hold the cards...for now lol

Not sure what your point is?

So if sleeping with this guy is not when OP decides she's ready, when is a good time?

Am I the only one who thinks this could make you very vulnerable?

Of course it's on her terms. Why on earth would it not be? Ick.

You should only ever have sex with someone when you want it and you are ready, so it's good to keep to your boundaries and not let him pressure you.

At the same time, there is nothing wrong with him wanting more, as long as he respects your boundaries and pacing.

I would be really annoyed at the 'toothbrush just in case' comment though. It's pushy, and a really cringey thing to say.

I was gonna come and say the same thing. Of course it’s on your terms OP, like it is his. When both your ‘terms’ align, then that’s the time.

I would definitely be expecting sex if I got the invitation to stay over. Don’t invite him if you are not ready for it. But I don’t really understand your approach if he is lovely and you fancy him. The nerves may only get worse if you keep on waiting and putting him off. Or he will just walk away.

No, I also think this is batshit advice.

Don’t ask him to stay over unless you’re planning to shag him. And if you’re not planning to shag him, I wouldn’t even have him to your house, go out somewhere so there’s no confusion or awkward situations.

But FWIW, if you like the guy, I’d just get it over and done with. I think if it’s your nerves that are the problem, the longer it goes on, the worse the nerves will get as it builds into a much bigger deal than it needs to be. Of course you shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do, but it sounds like you DO want to, but nerves (and possibly insecurities) are getting in the way. Have a couple of glasses of wine and crack on 😂. Anyway, he might have a micro penis or do something really weird during sex that puts you right off him, and it’s better to find that out sooner rather than later.

10 dates in the first month is a lot and probably causing the disconnect between how often you've seen him vs being ready for sex.

I agree with others I'd avoid having him stay if you're not open to sex yet. He's bound to try his luck and it'll just make for an awkward atmosphere if you're not keen.

Probably worth another conversation about sex so he doesn't think you're "leading him on" (i.e. don't fancy him) after 10 dates

I agree that the longer you wait , the bigger the thing becomes in your head and it will probably be a massive let down anyway.
It's like waiting to meet in person just to find there's no physical chemistry and he's 10 years older/10 stone heavier than his picture.

I wouldn't let him stay over unless you're ready to shag
That is usually in the expectations for a sleepover

What if he's a complete dud in bed? I'd want to get the test drive over and done with before investing more time and feelings.

I'm not sure what being menopausal or stressed from work has to do with it! Obviously you need to feel ready but it also sounds like you're looking for excuses.

Agree
VERY bad idea !

10 dates in a month is a lot and its a well known tactic to accelerate the feelings of intimacy and knowing someone
If him mentioning his toothbrush( ICK!!!) gives you the ick, its not going to work

What’s wrong with sex happening when she decides and on her terms?

You think it should be when he decides and on his terms? And that’s OK? OP’s sense of comfort and safety and desire are just irrelevant?

What a dark view.

I was completely honest with my now DP. I didn't have a full sex drive during menopause and didn't know if it would come back. Sex/sex drive does change as we age. There's the adding in of lube etc. Are you saying that you aren't ready to be open and honest? That's fine, you are only a month in, but tbh, I didn't want to waste my time and my DP didn't want to be just friends, so I tested the water about now. Sometimes men do change post deed, so I wouldn't let time drag on.

It has to be, because it's our bodies that have changed. Later it's more mutual. Health needs change sex needs, everything does change as we get older. A person's sex drive isn't going to return if they are forcing themselves to have sex.

Why shouldn’t it be on her terms? And why does having sex only when she is ready and comfortable have to mean it’s a “power game?”

I don’t think you should let him stay over just to sleep in the same bed as a pp suggested.

No, it's bonkers. Are we expecting some teenage snogging & fingering (I can't believe I wrote that) with an awkward rebuff while you're both in bed and have to get through to breakfast?

That went all kinds of wrong back when I could reasonably be expected to be inexperienced. I think it's mad to attempt it as a fully-grown adult. To be clear, I have shared beds with male friends very happily, but they were friends. When you're dating there's an expectation that sex will happen.

How's he travelling to yours? If driving, you'll have to make sure he doesn't drink. If public transport, shove him out in time to catch his train/bus.

Or change your plan and go out.

Or change your plan and have him stay - with probability of sex!

I don’t agree it’s good advice it’s give mixed messages.

This, you are grown ups, if you don't fancy him physically by now he's probably not for you.

Christ Almighty just read the posts re let him stay over and sleep in the same bed but no sex.
Terrible ridiculous advice, FFS! grown women giving this stupid advice to other women!

No don't play silly games, you either want him as a lover or you don't.