AIBU to feel put off when he hints at staying over? Dating in menopause

[Slowromance]

I've met a lovely man online- he's friendly, kind nice and I really like him. We met at the end of August and have probably had 10 dates. I've had the chat with him about wanting to go slow with the physical side due to menopause and also, I tend to only gather attraction to someone when I like them a lot and develop feelings for them. This is developing nicely for me- I enjoy seeing him, cuddling and kissing and there are stirrings of wanting more so I'm confident this will develop on. He's said he's fine with a slow pace but a few hints are creeping in (he's coming for dinner at the weekend and he's said "shall I bring my toothbrush just in case?") The thing is, every time he pushes even slightly, it pushes me away.
Has anyone else dated in menopause and felt the same? Any advice gratefully received!

Pay no attention to the posters on here saying you should be shagging this man already @Slowromance It's been about 5 weeks, and 10 bloody dates. Why are some women on here so keen to just shag a man so quickly? And then throw shade on a woman who doesn't want to do so for a few months, (like UNTIL SHE IS READY!) And then shaming her for 'playing hard to get,' and 'making him wait.' Why the desperation to push the OP into sleeping with this man?

And the accusations of how she is a red flag, for not getting naked with him and shagging him already, after five weeks, is disgusting! Why the urgency from some to shag so quickly?! Are they scared the man will leave if they don't jump into bed with him within a week or two?

Frankly, any man who fucks off and leaves because I haven't dropped my knickers for him within 5 weeks of starting to date him, can get in the bin. He ain't worth shit.

@Slowromance Ignore the 'shag him now and stop making him wait or he'll be gone' posters If you're not ready, then wait until you are... If he leaves because you won't get into bed with him, then good riddance. Don't let anyone - him, or the posters on this board make you feel ashamed for not wanting to hop into bed with this man yet.

This place is just so toxic sometimes!

You may be better asking for this thread to be deleted, and reposting it on the Relationships Boards, or reporting your first post and asking for it to be moved there.

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So you have had sexual contact then or just cuddles? Sorry to probe just I'm not sure how cuddling on the sofa 10 dates in with clothing undisturbed is particularly interesting for either parties.

Disclaimer you choose when you want sex obviously

No, some people just wait to be really sure/deeply emotionally connected then they go on to have a very active sex life.

Just because you have a more casual view towards sex, doesn’t mean everyone does.

IME, this is not relevant. He might want sex, but pretty much everyone I've ever been with, I always have them stay over at least one night first without sex.

If they can respect that and aren't too pushy for sex (none of them have been), then I think that's a positive sign for future relationships and then respecting boundaries.

Not getting something you want doesn't hurt anyone, and I've found it to be a good indicator for the fire.

Exactly this. As I said, it's disgusting to shame the OP into hopping into bed with this man when she's not ready, and if she doesn't, it will be her fault if her dumps her... Calling her a red flag for not shagging him already, after a whole five weeks?! 😱

As I said, this place is toxic sometimes. The 'advice' on here (from some) is horrible, and damaging.

F

Also, @Slowromance , 100% what @PrettyLittleRose is saying.

Like you, it takes me a while to get invested enough to want to have sex, but when I do, I'm all in.
Any man who doesn't accept that isn't for me.

You hold your boundaries and go at your own pace and ignore people trying to insist that it means something which it might for them but doesn't for you!

And some people can feel deeply emotionally connected to someone after 2 months and want to have sex which is my point. That is not the same as having a casual view towards sex.

There's more to life than submitting yourself to unwanted sex. And for what, exactly? It's not the pinnacle of human existence some would have you believe. She wouldn't lose anything she doesn't already have, but will retain her freedom from pestering, which invariably follows with guys that insist on it after an x amount of expenditure.

This thread is pretty eye-opening in terms of what seems to be seen as standard for online dating.

OP, you keep doing what you're doing. If waiting doesn't work for him, he is not the one for you.

A month! It's nothing at all. You can't know someone well after a month and 10 dates. If you are someone who needs to know someone well to want to have sex with them (more than acceptable in my book), then of course you're not ready yet.

Good luck OP, and don't be swayed by the odd expectations seemingly set in our current internet based society.

I’d be disappointed if a man wasn’t trying to have sex with me after 10 dates. And I’m a bit older than you. It doesn’t mean you have to say yes but I think it’s natural for him to hint. You must do the right thing for you but if you’re not feeling sexually attracted to him then it’s unlikely to get better.

You should not do anything you don’t want to, OP.

I'm wondering why you posted on here, OP. What advice were you hoping for?

I think if I was in your shoes, I’d have had a couple of evenings out with food and a glass or two of wine and then probably sex would have happened naturally.

It seems to me there’s a lot of planning for the “big moment” and building it up won’t make things easier.

However, you do you.

Yeah except you said “IMO after 2 months you aren't feeling emotionally connected enough for sex then you are probably with the wrong person” thereby saying that anyone who’s not ready after two months is not with the right person.

This is not an attitude that accepts that some people take sex more seriously and want to wait longer, even with the right person.

Its not like you are both blushing virgins, sex is a natural urge, if you don't fancy him the urge won't be there and it sounds like it isn't.

But its always a gamble, she could wait for 6 months, think he's right for her, sleep with him then he disappears into the sunset or it could be the worst shag ever, completely one sided. Putting silly boundaries in place when you are older (at menopause age) is daft. OP doesn't even say she fancies him after 10 dates. Surely by now you'd be excited and lusty not still full of doubts. OP should throw this one back, he is clearly interested, she luke warm.

they’re not “silly boundaries” if it’s what the op feels comfortable with. People have every right to wait as long as needed for them to feel comfortable and ready.

Honestly some of the attitudes on this thread are depressing. I’d expect it of men but most of the mn posters are women.

TBF, I would expect most sexually experienced adults to be ready for sex after 2 months. IMO that statement is true.

Obviously there will be people who aren't for a myriad of reasons.

Whether you choose to have sex, or not, after 2 months I think if you haven't developed an emotional connection then you are probably with the wrong person.

Right so we’re back to my original point that “some people just value intimacy and don’t want such a massively intimate act to happen until they feel deeply emotionally connected and like they really know the other person.”

Just because that’s not something you understand doesn’t mean it’s not true for other people.

I'm a bit confused @Slowromance . On the one hand you say that you do fancy him but on the other hand you say that you need feelings to develop to have libido build for someone. Where are you with this man?

Surely physical attraction is either there or it isn't. Either you want to have sex with someone or you don't. If you fancy this man and find him physically attractive then you want to shag him - or am I misunderstanding something here?

What is niggling away at me is that in your first post you say that when he hints at staying over (implying possible sex) you recoil. This sounds like a gut reaction and I would see that as not a good sign. (As someone with expert level qualifications in having ignored gut reactions on so many occasions to my detriment!)

I completely understand that you might want to build emotional trust or make sure that he wants a relationship or that he isn't going to just be a one night stand - but those are completely different things.

Have you kissed or done anything that would suggest to him youre more than friends? Would you be put off if he was seeing other people.?

Since when was 10 dates/a month a long time and he's "soooo patient/must be fed up of waiting"?!

It would be a lot longer than that and only in a committed exclusive relationship before i would sleep with someone.

I am agreeing with you about the emotional connection and have done all along. It's just IMO most people would feel that after 2 months and if you feel no emotional connection after 2 months then yes, I think you're with the wrong person. From the general gist of this thread most posters would also be wanting sex after 2 months (and thus feel an emotional connection).

For reasons I don't understand you seem to think this makes me a fan of casual sex 😂

It's a month, not 2 months

Yes, I know. Somehow I've ended up in a side discussion with another poster who though it was 2 months though 😂