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Original poster

AIBU to feel put off when he hints at staying over? Dating in menopause

282 replies

Slowromance · 01/10/2026 22:09

I've met a lovely man online- he's friendly, kind nice and I really like him. We met at the end of August and have probably had 10 dates. I've had the chat with him about wanting to go slow with the physical side due to menopause and also, I tend to only gather attraction to someone when I like them a lot and develop feelings for them. This is developing nicely for me- I enjoy seeing him, cuddling and kissing and there are stirrings of wanting more so I'm confident this will develop on. He's said he's fine with a slow pace but a few hints are creeping in (he's coming for dinner at the weekend and he's said "shall I bring my toothbrush just in case?") The thing is, every time he pushes even slightly, it pushes me away.
Has anyone else dated in menopause and felt the same? Any advice gratefully received!

OP posts:
Mischance · 04/10/2026 09:56

but see no point in waiting for months, building an emotional connection, only to find that you don’t work together in bed.

Equally I see no point in leaping into bed with someone only to find they are a prize bastard further down the line - it works both ways.

If you have formed a trusting relationship and the sex turns out to be less than great you have a basis on which to work it out together knowing there is respect on both sides.

Original poster
Slowromance · 04/10/2026 09:57

gannett · 04/10/2026 09:54

Weird thread to read because the OP asked whether she's unreasonable to be put off by his hints about staying the night, but it ended up as a debate on whether she's unreasonable to want to take it slow.

Of course she's not unreasonable and of course she should take everything at whatever pace is comfortable for her, regardless of what he wants. But he's also not unreasonable to want sex, to think a month is an appropriate length of time for it to be on the cards, and to hint accordingly. He would be immensely unreasonable to pester or push but from what the OP has written, his hints have been mild and he's accepted her boundaries, so... there doesn't seem to be a problem at all.

Yeah when we had the conversation the other night it was all really positive and we know the approach to take

OP posts:
Original poster
Slowromance · 04/10/2026 09:58

Mischance · 04/10/2026 09:56

but see no point in waiting for months, building an emotional connection, only to find that you don’t work together in bed.

Equally I see no point in leaping into bed with someone only to find they are a prize bastard further down the line - it works both ways.

If you have formed a trusting relationship and the sex turns out to be less than great you have a basis on which to work it out together knowing there is respect on both sides.

This is what I think

OP posts:
SweetnsourNZ · 04/10/2026 10:03

Slowromance · 04/10/2026 08:34

I'm not bargaining it or using it for good behaviour. Me having sex is about me- not it's power or reward over someone else

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Hi OP. Post menopausal woman here.
If I am reading between the lines here you have had quite a drop in hormones that fuel sex drive. Probably also causing physical side effects.
If I'm right, it may pay to have a chat will your GP. Even if you don't require HRT an estrogen cream and other therapies can help. You may also need a conversation about sexual health in general as you may now be more prone to things like cystitis.
It sounds like he's a good man and your mind is willing but you just need to get your body up to speed. Not just for him, but for you.

Bigtrapeze · 04/10/2026 10:07

Slowromance · 02/10/2026 07:31

I think the tone of this thread is really interesting. I've basically said I do fancy him, it's developing nicely, we like being together but I feel nervous/want to take it slow

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OP, this has to work for you. Ignore any advice that doesn't. He sounds keen, not putting on any pressure, and that seems fair enough. I don't see why there's a massive rush here. If he knows you are interested and want to take some time and he can't be bothered, he's not the one for you. He doesn't sound like that at all. I find the idea from previous posters that if you invite someone for dinner that implies sex bizarre. You can do this absolutely any way you want. There are no rules. Just keep the conversation open so he's reassured that you do fancy him.

JMSA · 04/10/2026 13:38

Mischance · 04/10/2026 09:56

but see no point in waiting for months, building an emotional connection, only to find that you don’t work together in bed.

Equally I see no point in leaping into bed with someone only to find they are a prize bastard further down the line - it works both ways.

If you have formed a trusting relationship and the sex turns out to be less than great you have a basis on which to work it out together knowing there is respect on both sides.

But why would you want to find out they’re a prize bastard further down the line? Best to weed him out earlier, surely, before becoming emotionally attached.

Anyway, OP, you do you. And best of luck.

Original poster
Slowromance · 04/10/2026 14:00

@JMSA I take the point but I can't have sex before a secure attaxhment

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