AIBU to feel put off when he hints at staying over? Dating in menopause

[Slowromance]

I've met a lovely man online- he's friendly, kind nice and I really like him. We met at the end of August and have probably had 10 dates. I've had the chat with him about wanting to go slow with the physical side due to menopause and also, I tend to only gather attraction to someone when I like them a lot and develop feelings for them. This is developing nicely for me- I enjoy seeing him, cuddling and kissing and there are stirrings of wanting more so I'm confident this will develop on. He's said he's fine with a slow pace but a few hints are creeping in (he's coming for dinner at the weekend and he's said "shall I bring my toothbrush just in case?") The thing is, every time he pushes even slightly, it pushes me away.
Has anyone else dated in menopause and felt the same? Any advice gratefully received!

Did you read in the OP that the guy is wanting to move things forwards? This is why OP wrote the OP.

There's something about dating though that is about sex right from the start- flirtiness, starting to talk or give hints as to what you like sexually, discussing previous relationships... I think that is what would distinguish going for a Sunday walk with an exciting new boyfriend from going for a Sunday walk with grandma. So the stirrings do need to have a flirty atmosphere, to be nurtured in. At the same time you need to not feel rushed and as if your flirting is writing a cheque you can't yet cash.

I can see you're saying you are building up to it, and the faint stirrings are coming along, but you might need to be actually explicit with him. Tell him.your libido is going to need completely to take the pressure off, for it to get going. I sometimes also say my libido is like that of an annoying 70s man who needs the thrill of the chase - so if you wouldn't mind could you be utterly fascinating and as flirty as possible but absolutely refuse to sleep with me for another few weeks please! So his job is to try and fascinate you but then be ultimately unavailable.

Your job is different - I appreciate menopause makes you feel like you can't be bothered with any of the physical stuff, I sometimes feel actually it's all very distasteful, but my head tells me that the only way to help my body get back on the path is to give it a go. So you have to do loads of masturbation and find a way to help your body and mind back to that glamour of feeling sexy in yourself.

When you had those other people and you had sex before you were quite ready, did they develop into amazing love partnerships, or not? That is more data for you either way on how far to trust your gut instinct - it might be protecting you, or you might need to just get on the horse.

This is all caveated with the fact it only works on nice men - you do need to apply a bit of burned haystack analysis really to your interactions. It's not about being nitpicking over grammar (fwiw though I am, because poor linguistic skills are a genuine red line for someone being my partner, I need someone incredibly verbally fluent as my whole libido is built on it!)

I think the toothbrush comment is about the gentlest way you could push, so for me it's not an immediate nope. And how did he react when you said don't bring the toothbrush?

So you need to tell him your needs in a clear, but flirty and sweet kind of way, invite him in to the challenge of wooing you mentally, and let him feel he is a catch too because not everyone can do this. Then pause and watch what he does - if he's cool he will do something that works for you, if not then that's more data.

As in we have booked time off at weekends to go to events and changed responsibilities in hobby groups so we can move to having a weekend together rather than not able to date on Fridays/saturdays

Of course consent is everything and nobody owes sex. Likewise nobody “gives” sex. But passionate sex with the right chemistry is lovely. That said, it doesn’t feel nicer for waiting a long time.

They may not be sexually compatible. There’s only one way to find out.

So 2 months without sex leads to people being ‘fed up’ when dating?

O right, ok

I didnt say he is sitting around in an unfulfilling relationship. It sounds more like he's putting his best foot forwards but isnt willing to stagger things forever. That's my point, the only men who do sit around in incompatible situations lack options.

I agree with those saying keep your boundaries, OP. We’re all very different and are comfortable with different things. Do be pressured into doing something you’re uncomfortable with, including staying over without having sex.

If you're not having much sex 2 months in with tons of contact, you won't be having any at all 3 years in.

I'd buy some Replens, external lubricant and a supply of condoms - just in case. Older people, with the fear of pregnancy removed, often take risks that younger people wouldn't dream of with a new partner in terms of safe sex. I fully understand though the idea that you want to feel safe with somebody before having sex with him - you want to know that he is basically a good person.

It suggests that it’s going nowhere!

Okay so that sex can happen in better conditions and you can have a lie in and stuff?

They all seem great at first. You don’t know what a man is really like after one month and 10 dates. I work with seriously abusive males. They are the loveliest people you could ever wish to meet..Unless you are in an intimate relationship with them. Then they are your worst nightmare. Typically any red flags will start to emerge once you’re in too deep, eg you’ve started sleeping together and formed an attachment, move in together, got married, (or pregnant which possibly won’t apply to you but do be careful if there’s even a remote possibility). As women, dating men is statistically one of the most dangerous situations we can put ourselves in. There are lots of women in horrifically abusive and controlling relationships that don’t even recognise it. I know that makes for depressing reading but this needs to be talked about more. I think you are very prudent to be cautious x

Of course but isn't it mostly that way. Men typically ready to have sex before the woman? So of course its on her terms. If he wasn't ready it would be on his terms. Your post implies people should have sex when they are not ready as if to be kind or something.

A month is no time at all. The dating world seems crazily wild!

I think that if you are already freaking out about having sex and imagine that you won't feel comfortable after months of dating, perhaps work on those issues independently before you get others involved.

or
“A gentleman is a patient wolf “

quote attributed to Lana Turner-
google for meanings and interpretations

Fucks sake, why shouldn't it be on her terms when or indeed whether she decides to be intimate?

How in earth do you get from not jumping straight into bed to 'power games'?

I think the only thing it tells is that some people have more relaxed boundaries around sex than others. Sex is a big deal imo. I do move in circles where this is a common view though and a huge majority of them have been happily married for different lengths of time.

2 months is not enough time to know someone enough to jump into bed with them. Someone suggested having now sex before becoming emotionally invested.

This is one of the things I like about mumsnet- different boundaries, viewpoints, beliefs etc

But it's ok to invite him over if you plan to give him what he wants?

It's still the same man.

By that logic the only thing able to stop a man being a rapist is that fact that sex is given willingly.

Before OP trusts him enough have sex / relationship surely she should be able to trust him enough not to be a rapist?

The way OP writes. I’m fine with no rush, but 10 dates in a month or two is a lot so there is a massive mismatch here.

What she says and her actions don’t match. That’s the game, even if it’s in her head and what she has written here is only part of it.

Or, you could look at it another way:

Why take the risk of making yourself physically and emotionally vulnerable by entering into a sexual relationship with someone before you have taken the time to ascertain that you are truly compatible in other ways?

I'd prefer to take that time although I appreciate that other people might feel differently.

Even if it is , which I doubt , he can either say yes or no to waiting . Feelings shouldn’t be about a ‘ power game ‘ it’s men that go in for power games . I think some of these posters have never gone through the menopause otherwise they’d understand why OP is taking it slow .

It's fine to be nervous. Think about what you need to be comfortable and safe.

How long have you been single/since you last had sex?

When you were in a relationship was sex important to you or just something you did once a week or one a month? You say you need feelings to want to have sex? Do you mean love?

It really sounds like sex is a chore for you that you do as an expectation because you're in a relationship rather than something you enjoy.

With age should come confidence. You know what you like, don't like, what you want and won't settle. This man fancies you and wants to spend the night with you. Sex at the beginning in fun and scary. It sounds like you are having great conversations and trust each other so taking the first step together could be right.

Think about what is stopping you? Do you smell? Do you need new underwear? Do you a wax? Do you want to be at home or somewhere else? Own it.

If he can't go at your pace then he is not the man for you