AIBU to feel put off when he hints at staying over? Dating in menopause

[Slowromance]

I've met a lovely man online- he's friendly, kind nice and I really like him. We met at the end of August and have probably had 10 dates. I've had the chat with him about wanting to go slow with the physical side due to menopause and also, I tend to only gather attraction to someone when I like them a lot and develop feelings for them. This is developing nicely for me- I enjoy seeing him, cuddling and kissing and there are stirrings of wanting more so I'm confident this will develop on. He's said he's fine with a slow pace but a few hints are creeping in (he's coming for dinner at the weekend and he's said "shall I bring my toothbrush just in case?") The thing is, every time he pushes even slightly, it pushes me away.
Has anyone else dated in menopause and felt the same? Any advice gratefully received!

Awful comments here. Feel what you feel when you feel it and dong do anything that you don't want to do. His comments mean he's interested so that's good, but if they put you off and make you feel flustered and unsafe then that's what is going to happen. .

I don't think you can do much about it. If you are compatible and both go with the flow I'm sure it'll work itself out.

I think that only makes sense if you're ok with infrequent or mediocre sex

It's one month!!!!

10 dates in a month,
4 coffee after work on a Monday,
4 dinner date on a Wednesday,
2 Sunday afternoon walks

this is pretty tame stuff
not too seductive is it
a bit low key
with minimal effort

internet men dating can be evasive about their lives
without you even realising,
they are practised in the art of deception
whether he looks forward to seeing you or not OP,
he is planning ahead
and best of all it is not costing him anything (to speak of)
possibly a new toothbrush

Absolutely not a game and nothing hidden

I agree. This is a terrible suggestion. If I was invited to a new partners house for dinner and invited to stay over, sleep in the same bed but with a no sex rule I'd think they had serious issues of some kind.

If you really don't want to have sex with this man (yet) I'd have a meal out to avoid awkwardness.

So what?

She doesn’t have to put out before she feels ready just because he’s getting fed up. She told him from the beginning she wanted to take it slowly with the physical side.

If he’s only in it for the sex and can’t be patient to wait until she’s ready then he can be on his way and she can be pleased she dodged a bullet.

Sex in relationships has been fun and frequent and definitely not a chore!
No I don't smell! I have nice underwear etc

I was responding to a poster saying that we had such low expectations of men. There’s good reason for that.
theres also all shades of mixed signals, awkwardness, pressure, regret, etc in between. If you invite a man into your bed he is going to think you want to have sex. You might be lucky and extricate yourself with just some confusion and awkwardness or you might end up raped.
I’ve had enough experiences and conversations with girl friends to have quite a dim view of men.

Definitely not low effort! We've had lovely dates

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable to test the water to be honest. If I’d been on 10 dates with you and only got a kiss, I would assume that you wanted to be friends, not lovers.

As a 57 year old woman, I'm not understanding what menopause has to do with this either? Are you making excuses? You either fancy him or you don't.

“all on your terms, all when you decide”

As it should be! The person who’s more tentative to have sex is the one who gets to decide when they’re ready. No one should be pressured into going faster than they want to just because the other person is ready and willing.

If I was dating someone for 2 months and they were putting off having sex with me I'd wouldn't be happy. I'd suspect there was something wrong like ED, they're gay, they don't like sex etc etc.

However, OP has been dating this man for 1 month i think.

Do you not fancy a bit of sex? Bit weird if you like him, imo. In any case, I'd want to see what he was like in the sack. You might be totally wasting your time. What if he's rubbish or has a micro penis?

Yes I'm definitely waking up in this area with him. This has been my pattern my whole life. When with a partner I'm very active sexually and I really enjoy it then in between it all seems to die off until I meet and have feelings for the next person. I've been in 2 long term relationships (17 years and 12 years)

Or, some people just value intimacy and don’t want such a massively intimate act to happen until they feel deeply emotionally connected and like they really know the other person.

IMO after 2 months you aren't feeling emotionally connected enough for sex then you are probably with the wrong person, or there are some physical or emotional issues stopping you from having sex.

It's one month!!!

Sorry, yes I realise that. I was answering a PP who thought you were 2 months in.
Sorry for the confusion 😁

What's wrong with it being on her terms? Are you suggesting she has to have sex before shes ready to 'be fair'?

Its interesting that you see women waiting to have sex until shes ready, as playing a power game.

This is what I think! I'm definitely not playing a game

Obviously you decide when and if you want sex but after 10 dates surely there's some kind of sexual contact even not full sex and sleeping together?

Also if he's crap in bed or has a micro Penis I guess we will work it out. I wouldn't be binning him off

Yes kissing and cuddling and snuggling up on settee etc