AIBU to feel put off when he hints at staying over? Dating in menopause

[Slowromance]

I've met a lovely man online- he's friendly, kind nice and I really like him. We met at the end of August and have probably had 10 dates. I've had the chat with him about wanting to go slow with the physical side due to menopause and also, I tend to only gather attraction to someone when I like them a lot and develop feelings for them. This is developing nicely for me- I enjoy seeing him, cuddling and kissing and there are stirrings of wanting more so I'm confident this will develop on. He's said he's fine with a slow pace but a few hints are creeping in (he's coming for dinner at the weekend and he's said "shall I bring my toothbrush just in case?") The thing is, every time he pushes even slightly, it pushes me away.
Has anyone else dated in menopause and felt the same? Any advice gratefully received!

So been a month. 10 dates in 4w sounds a lot

but you don’t sound ready to have sex and that’s fine

there is no rush

Menopause as in low libdo or lack of interest sexually?
I have had no such issue.

OP - this is more of a Declaration of Intent than a hint.

this romance has only been a month albeit 10 dates in
if you want to do the deed, perhaps you could go away
somewhere for a lovely weekend in the old fashioned
way, when you both know whats on the cards and adjust
your expectations accordingly.
This is preferable to being in your home, as if he ‘stays’
and you succumb to his advances and sleep with him in
your bed after which the romance ends, you will feel
regretful and that your space was invaded.
Fwiw I think a month in, is too soon to be having a man
who you possibly do not really know anything about, in
your home, where you are relaxed unguarded and vulnerable.
Have you been to his house? Met his friends?
As ever there is sound advice on here for you of the more
mature variety.
This patient taking it slow lovely man is pushy and could be
a wolf in sheep’s clothing

Ten dates in a month is a rush job.

Why not say that you would like to go out for dinner and not cook at yours then the pressure is off, then he does not need his toothbrush.

It's incredibly sad how many people are saying that OP shouldn't let him stay unless she is willing to have sex or warning her that it makes her vulnerable.

You're basically saying you expect a man to be pushy, try something on or be a rapist. One man even said he'd expect sex if he was invited to stay the night.

Why should we need to control the environment we see a man in because we can't trust a man to control himself?

OP has told him she wants to go slow, no harm in reminding him a sleep over isnt code for sex, but I think if a no-sex sleep over isn't a safe option then it says a lot about the man.

Totally agree.
And you should only have sex with someone ON YOUR OWN TERMS. Not on someone else's.
I have no idea what that previous poster meant.

I also agree - 10 dates in one month is A LOT.

Well done you

Its common sense not to put yourself in potentially precarious situations but that aside grown ups don't play silly games. He's not looking for a pen pal. Why would OP have him stay over unless she wants and is ready for an adult relationship, they aren't teenagers on sleepovers.

I’m not sure these things are due to menopause.
Staying over doesn’t have to mean having sex- you’re clearly terrified of that so tell him he can stay over if he’d like but not to get his hopes up if that’s what he’s thinking, if that helps you.
It sounds like you fancy him etc so I kind of think if he does stay over you might find yourself interested actually! He obviously likes you. I think ten dates is quite a lot before any kind of intimacy. Maybe that’s just me though 🤣

If he is a good man it wouldn't be a precarious situation.

The fact so many people are warning her shows how low our expectations of men are.

There's lots of reasons it might be nice to stay at someones house/ share a bed/ wake up with someone that don't involve sex.

This. You don’t owe anyone sex and he is pushing your boundaries. Yuck.

Couple of things
I'm not terrified of sex but for my whole life I've needed to have feelings before I get any libido for a person,
I don't think 10 dates in a month is a lot it's averaged as meeting each other for a coffee after work on a Monday, dinner on weds and often a walk on Sunday afternoon each week (this fits in with our work patterns) the dates have been enjoyable and happy and both looked forward to them.
In the past - I have felt the same about partners and forced myself to get on with the sex so I don't inconvenience them
Now I'm this age, with menopause I jut don't fancy putting my feelings aside any more

This story reminds me of a re-hash of an old song “What’s Menopause Got To Do With It?”.

This is longer than l’ve ever waited to get started with someone in all my adult life. Do you think it’s going to feel better by hanging about? Either you have that fanny flutter, which means it’s time to proceed, or you don’t. If you don’t feel it big time by now, hanging on is not going to change things.

I think he just wants an adult relationship. If you're not having much sex at the beginning, then midway through you won't be having any at all. This is the time you should be having the most sex.

Yes - all very well but she’s only known this random guy a MONTH.
I wouldn’t want a bloke staying over unless I knew him well, more background etc etc.

Making a man wait for sex?! Human rights violation right there, I’m calling the UN!!

No, I’m kidding. I understand how you feel (minus the menopause). I personally struggled to feel connected and safe enough to have sex with men I’ve dated, once I felt it it was fine - but it took a while. I think me and my now husband dated 2 months before we had sex. He stayed over a few times though and we just cuddled ect. Now we’ve been married for ten years and have three kids so sex wasn’t an issue once we started 😂.

How about him staying over and not having sex? See how he reacts to that? He may try and pressure you but in my experience that’s a sign he’s not for you.

But not ever a fri or sat night

any reason why ?

Work patterns

After a month ?

yes both adults but no rush and oo says she isn’t ready

I dint think a month is a long time! He was a stranger off the Internet too!

You both work evenings /nights ? Or you mean an early start on a Saturday

Not all men... And even if he wanted it, she doesn't have to oblige. Set clear boundaries. It's perfectly possible to invite someone for dinner, have them stay over, even sleep in the same bed, and still not have sex.

Yeah after 10 meets. If it was 1 date in 1 month, different. But these are grown ups and it's been 10 dates. I'd tell him to move on to someone who is more sure of him

We don't work evenings or nights always but for the last month all Fridays and Saturdays have been blocked out either by work (overtime) or prebooked events (both of us run hobby groups for young people)