AIBU to feel put off when he hints at staying over? Dating in menopause

[Slowromance]

I've met a lovely man online- he's friendly, kind nice and I really like him. We met at the end of August and have probably had 10 dates. I've had the chat with him about wanting to go slow with the physical side due to menopause and also, I tend to only gather attraction to someone when I like them a lot and develop feelings for them. This is developing nicely for me- I enjoy seeing him, cuddling and kissing and there are stirrings of wanting more so I'm confident this will develop on. He's said he's fine with a slow pace but a few hints are creeping in (he's coming for dinner at the weekend and he's said "shall I bring my toothbrush just in case?") The thing is, every time he pushes even slightly, it pushes me away.
Has anyone else dated in menopause and felt the same? Any advice gratefully received!

You see if in 3 years time, this guy finds himself with sexless companionship, it will be his fault for not recognising the red flags.

But she’s not making a man wait for sex, she’s making them both wait for sex. Sex is not something a woman gives to a man, it’s something shared.

Menopause or not, this is the stage when the OP’s hormones should be bubbling. If they are not, she is with the wrong person.

Well that's called consent isn't i it? Sex should only happen when both people decide they want to.

You need to have a long hard think about what consent is. Hint: it's not a power game.

Exactly and if it isnt something she is bothered about, he should take that as a sign of incompatibility.

I think the tone of this thread is really interesting. I've basically said I do fancy him, it's developing nicely, we like being together but I feel nervous/want to take it slow

"...all on your terms, all when you decide."

Which is just as it should be.

I am not sure why Tortephant is sounding so impatient with this.

At the risk of stating the obvious, but Tortephant's tone makes me feel like I must, surely Sex can only legally happen when the OP decides she is ready and not before? That is her choice to make.

When she is ready, she can communicate this and then it is his choice whether he is ready also. That is his choice. That way, they proceed with mutual consent.

What other way is there in a healthy relationship, this side of the law?

I can't believe that I am having to spell this out in 2026!

If he's as lovely as he sounds, OP, he'll be happy to go at your pace.

If toothbrush comments are irking you, just tell him that and that you will let him know unambiguously when you are ready, so he needn't hint.

Maybe even give him the update, that you are very nearly there so please don't hint as it's very likely to 'give you the ick.'

Wishing you all the best OP.

Edited to thank Crumpelstiltskin and others for your support. At least I now feel less concerned that I have been misreading the tone of Tortephant and others. I can't believe the mancentric attitudes that are surphacing.

Stick to your boundaries, OP. Keep communicating. If it's meant to be...

I think after 10 dates you either like him enough to have sex or not. You could wait another month or two and then he turns out to be super lazy or keep trying to stick it up your bum. Best to make sure your compatible in bed before investing too much emotional energy.

This is a very good point

I'm not sure that Id want to hang around waiting for someone to develop the guts to sleep with me. I realise it might not be about me, but it isnt the type of relationship I'd want in my middle ages.

A man who is just happy to sit around in an unfulfilling relationship is doing so because he has no other options. Not because he is a nice guy.

With good reason no? Time and time again men have proved that as a sex they aren’t trustworthy and kind - you don’t know which ones aren’t until you see them locked up for assaulting someone else or you’re alone being assaulted by them.
utter madness to invite a relatively unknown man over to stay in your bed with no sex and not risk assess that as highly stupid.

Take you time. It is like riding a bike. It’ll come back to you when you’re ready.

Or maybe he's a great guy who likes her sufficiently that he has decided she's worth waiting for?

It's fine to have different needs around this, but it's how the two of you handle it that will tell you a lot about how the relationship might pan out. You are being unreasonable getting annoyed with him. From his side he may worry you are wasting his time and is trying to nudge things on a bit. You need to have an honest conversation- tell him what you have said here- that you want to go ahead but are nervous and take it from there.

But it’s not until you’ve had sex that you know whether you are really compatible. In the meantime there is a lot of time, effort and emotions being invested here.

I agree here with @Gravygranules - bite the bullet if you do fancy him, the more you build this up in your head the more nervous you will get. Sex is normal and a huge part of compatibility. I would have to get this box ticked soon, imagine waiting longer falling in love and he’s dreadful in bed or has some weird kink.

i personally don’t drink anymore (menopause reasons for that) but if you do maybe a couple of glasses of vino to let down them big boundaries you’ve put up.

if either be a good experience or it won’t be, but at least you’ll know x

I don't think that this guy is quite there yet but will be soon.

It's not unfulfilled! We love seeing each other and we get excited before dates looking forward to some weekends we've got booked

Yeah I think this is good advice

This is really awful to him. He has other options, he's a great person

It’s natural to feel nervous about sex as we get older. All the body issues etc about not looking like a page 3 model any longer, but remember, he’s older too and probably has the same doubts and insecurities. Once you have done it the first time it sort of feels better . Try keeping low lighting etc the first time, that’s what I do anyway!

Excuse me? It doesn't matter if it's 1, 10, or a hundred dates, if she says no, it's no. Nobody owes sex simply because of mathematics.

Op, maybe it's your instinct? They all start as Mr Nice Guy, until they get what they want.

It might not be for you because sex isn't very important to you. For him, the dates and stuff might all be great and exactly what he wants, alongside a healthy, active sex life. That would be the type of fulfilment he is seeking from his love life.

You can have nice days out with a mate.

Why are you booking "weekends" when you arent ready to share a bed with him? This all seems backwards.

This is horrible. They sound like a really nice couple who are taking it slow. They’ve been together a month. Why do you think they MUST be jumping in bed together so quickly?

Yes she can say no, and he can say that he wants someone who also wants a healthy sex life and then he moves on from OP to someone who is ready to have that type of connection. OP is alone seeking someone else who is willing to wait months for the chance of sex. OP loses.