AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

I have no advice except to say we’re the same. We work in education and have a tiny house as you describe for 4 people. It’s shit and I hate it every day but don’t know what to do. I understand.

Why cant you work extra shifts when your husband is home with the children?
why can your husband not work part time and you do everything you can to maximise your income?

You and DH are working, you own your own home, you’re caring for two teenagers with complex needs - that makes huge demands and your time and energy. Your house may be small and you clearly wish you could move up the ladder but life does have a way of getting in the way.

I’d be working with both kids to understand that having a loving home, with two engaged parents is a good thing. That size of home isn’t any indication of character, worth or value of the person for better or worse. They are old enough to understand financial reality - if you can’t afford it you can’t have it, and that’s ok. I’d certainly not be apologising for providing them with a safe, secure home.

Don’t feel bad. You have managed to provide a safe environment for your children in a lovely area. When I divorced I bought a biggish house for me and my children that needed lots of work . I have never been able to afford a new kitchen etc. I wish I had gone for a smaller house that was complete plus the heating bills would have been lower .

Second this . You're clearly an intelligent, professional person so no need to blame your husband. Why don't you work ft and he can work pt?

Unfortunately I don’t think there’s much you can do. Options (which you’ve explored) would be:
• move to a cheaper area to get a bigger house
• increase earnings
• extend, loft conversion?

you need to stop comparing to other houses as it’s not going to bring anything productive.
are you claiming everything you’re entitled to - can you claim anything for the children as they are ND?

DH works the school hours and you progress your career?

She’s already stated she’s exhausted and run ragged. If it’s anything like my trust extra shifts are few and far between as they can’t afford to pay bank staff.

Try not to torment yourself looking on Rightmove etc. it’s of no benefit to you whatsoever.

In the kindest way, how is your mental health? You sound completely frazzled. I became very fixated on a similar aspect of my life which I couldn’t change. Ultimately I realised my mental health was in tatters, when I addressed that those feelings lifted. Just a thought.

I think it's probably highly unlikely a paramedic would be able to work school hours only. Sounds like OP has a community job.

Could you bank on the wards when your DH is off on weekends? Even one night a week would probably help boost things.

But ultimately that isn't the difference that means you can have a four bed detached house in that area. You could move to a more affordable area, but the cost of moving is also huge

Realistically the best option is probably to work through the feelings and have gratitude for what you have rather than focusing on what other people have.

Sorry you are struggling

you move to a cheaper area if that’s possible - or work more hours and do some shift work when dh is home for the evening

or weekends

are you claiming all the help /benifits as you have 2 sen children

true friends won’t care about the size of their friends home and maybe dd can have a sleepover in the lounge with her friends or swap bedrooms for the night with her sibling

How much is your house likely to sell for?

How far would you have to move to buy a bigger house for a similar amount?

There is a strong vein of complaint running through your post but ultimately you did choose this house, you weren’t allocated it in a random process. You also made other decisions in your life that brought you to this point.

You have things in your life which are very hard and which you didn’t choose, so perhaps the house is becoming a focal point for other sources of unhappiness.

I think everyone has a mixture of those factors in their life, myself included.

I think try to reframe it as having lived in a lovely area, with presumably good schools, so therefore the house has done its job? A lot of people would like those two factors.

Perhaps you could move when your DC are heading towards post 16 education?

I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.

I think this is a pretty unfair statement. To be angry at your husband who is working FT til late, in a pretty gruelling and emotionally draining job, while he has mental health issues is harsh. You both work hard whether that's at home or out of the house. I understand you WANT a bigger house but you don't NEED one. Certainly not to the detriment of your DHs mental health.

I think the best thing you could try to so is stop comparing yourself to others. I can assure you that yours and your kids real friends wouldn't give a toss if you live in a smaller 3 bed. I think you should spend more time trying to find solutions to storage or decluttering so that the house feels more useable.

I had a friend in college who never invited us to her home and l only realised later she was embarrassed because it was so fancy and we all lived in regular houses. Teens go through embarrassment no matter what the circumstances. Be proud you live in a nice area and you both do very worthwhile jobs. I was brought up in a regular house with 7 siblings . We were on top of each other but we had a happy home and although we are all now over 50 we are great friends and look back on our home with fond affection. Try not to look at others. Try to be content where you are.
It's tough having two children with SN s and that will drag you down but resentment against your dh will only lower the tone of the whole house and nobody wins.
The space between reality and fantasy leads to depression. The reality is this is your home. The fantasy is a fancy 4 bed with a big garden. Accept the reality and let go the fantasy and everyone will gain. Declutter the whole house. Keep it simple. Try and get some break for yourself as it sounds busy.

This is quite a complex situation with many different reasons as to why you are feeling stressed and sad. I do think you sound like you are being a bit unfair on your DH though. He’s working what sound like long hours and is also under the same stresses as you with regards to your finances and your children. Most of the things that have not gone to plan (ND children, COL increases) are not his fault. Asking him to put himself under even more pressure for more money may be quite short sighted. If he hits burnout then he’s not going to be earning any money at all!

It's a really tough situation but I am thinking of that quote (from Swallows and Amazons?)

Those who mind, don't matter.
Those who matter don't mind.

Stay off Rightmove!!!

As a midwife your earning potential is higher than a paramedic so a first step would be for you to go full time and DH to go part time so he can look after the DC instead. I’m assuming that the DC receive DLA if their needs are so high?
Second step would be to get your house valued and look at bigger houses in less affluent areas. That could mean that you could upsize for less money than you think. Finally, you should stop comparing the size of your house to the size of the surrounding houses! Your DC probably don’t want friends over because they’re older now - not because they’re embarrassed about the size of the house!

I think you need to try and re-frame it as a choice. I'm late 40's but have only just bought our first house, a tiny 2 bed terrace. Like yours my front door opens off the street straight into the lounge, just two rooms up and down and a bathroom. My kids share a room. But it's so much better than the insecurity of renting that we just love it. When we were renting and trying to gather money together for a deposit to buy I spent a lot of time considering actual 'tiny homes'. It's a movement to have a simpler, more eco friendly life. If you have a look online, and there's a netflix series on them, you might get some inspiration for clever ways to tailor it to the way you want and maybe do some redecorating to make it really cosy. Think of all the benefits of your smaller house compared to a huge one, a smaller space is easier and cheaper to heat, clean, decorate etc.

I feel like you are focusing on the house when actually the issue is a more general sense of unhappiness. It sounds like you are in a tough situation where it's tricky for you to improve things because a lot of it is out of your hands.

Firstly, I would check you are getting all the support you are entitled to as a family. Financially, are you entitled to any UC top up, or DLA for your children and maybe carers allowance for you? Speaking to somewhere like the citizens advice bureau might help with this. Actual physical support is important too so it might be worth reaching out to local charities to see what support there might be for your children.

Secondly, you and your husband both have the kind of job that can be done in another part of the country, and I wondered if long-term you could plan to move to another part of the country where your wages will go further in the housing market? It might be that you would wait until both children have left school, to reduce upheaval, but if you and your partner put together a plan around this, what it would look like, where you night move, having that to aim for might make things feel better.

Finally, your children have two hardworking parents who have provided a lovely home for them. Yes, it might be smaller than some of their friends' homes, but if it is somewhere they feel safe and loved that is more important than how big it is.

I think you’re also being hard on DH. He’s a paramedic, so you know how hard he works, probably one of the hardest in the NHS!

Thats yoir situation. No point in being so angry about it. Comparison is the thief of joy. It’s not fair to be angry with your DH because he couldn’t do a masters at the expense of his mental health.

Someone could say you could be in a job that pays so well so 25hours would give you a good salary.

If your DC can go over to friends’, parties, have friends over for sleepovers, etc, could it be time to look into working more? Are they not safe at home on their own?
Could you change shifts so one of you is at home each time and you both work full time?

I presume you are both band 7? If you are saying that to move up would need a masters - I know a lot of b8's are asking for a masters now, but very few b7's.

We are very similar DH full time B7, me 26 hours a week B7. Our total pre tax household income is around 95k - not a fortune, but not a tiny amount either. With a post tax income of around 5.5k per month, a mortgage on a decent home in an average area could be doable, so could you move to a slightly cheaper area for more space?

I don't think children compare in the same way adult do. We live in a 4 bed detached which needs quite a bit of work. DD best friend lives in a 2 bed council flat which her friend has decorated beautifully, and DD regularly says she likes her mates place better as its warmer abd nore cosy. Children are happy where they feel comfortable, not necessarily where is biggest

Honestly you sound spoilt and ungrateful. I live in a two bed house with no hallway in a nice area. I only have a smsll yard. My mortgage is low and hoping to pay off by the time I'm 50. I have no desire to move just to keep up with the Joneses. Financial security is worth much more. Appreciate what you have

What a great response.