AIBU to feel embarrassed our tiny house is affecting the children?

[Miseramble]

I know I've got issues about this but I need advice.
We live in the tiniest house. Miniscule. 8ft x 9ft kitchen. Tiny box 3rd bedroom. No hallway, no entrance way, front door leads straight in to lounge. Stairs lead straight on to front door. Not enough room fo 2 people to stand by door to remove or put on shoes, we all have to go in to lounge just to put shoes/coats on. I hate it and it's a daily huge stress. The whole entire house upstairs and downstairs is 85m2. The back garden is the size of most people's front gardens.
So it was meant to be a 5 year home when we bought it 11 years ago when DC were pre-school. That was the plan.
They're now teenagers both as big as adults.
And we never moved after 5 years.
And we can't move now.
Me & DH are both NHS staff (me midwife him paramedic) and suffered horrendously with the 10 year long NHS pay freeze whilst at the same time COL soared. We became significantly worse off financially. Meanwhile our 5 year fixed rate mortgage deal ended 3 years ago and when we re-fixed the interest rate had significantly risen and our monthly repayments doubled. Worst of all, our long term plan for me to increase from part time when dc were little to full time now they're older has failed because both dc have SEN, ND, high levels of anxiety, developmental delay, school difficulties, and basically both need me around when they are not at school. So I only work whilst they are at school for 25 hours a week. DD is on the verge of school refusal and I'm endlessly worrying about how I will work at all if she actually refuses long term. She is under CAMHS. Whilst DS is having weekly counselling. I can't work any more hours than I do, meaning I can't increase our income. Meanwhile DH earns a salary which is a shit amount where we live for the main breadwinner. DH had the opportunity to develop into a higher pay band but it required him to do a masters which he turned down on the basis that he is struggling with his mental health enough as it is without adding more pressure from stuying whilst still working on top of family commitments, so this means he's closed the door on increasing his salary. I feel angry that he's not pushing himself for us financially when we so desperately need more money; he can see how much strain I'm under working every school day then straight home to start looking after 2 teenagers with extensive needs. I don't stop, I'm run ragged and he returns from work daily at 9pm so I get no help whatsoever.
So we can't move. We're stuck in this tiny house that we never meant to stay in for this long. Stepping up the ladder is unachievable for us.
We live in an expensive area. Our house is tiny but we chose it at the time because it's on a lovely street, in a beautiful area surrounded by countryside. What I didn't consider is that we bought the smallest house in an area filled with 4 bed detached houses or significantly extended semi detached with whopping great rear extensions and luxurious loft conversions.
Anyway I now feel crushed that we can't provide a bigger home for DC. They really notice now. They both get grouchy and irritable by the lack of space. DS stopped inviting friends round about 2 years ago. I keep asking him why and he won't answer but I know it's because all his friends live in massive 4 bed detached houses, in our very affluent neighborhood. He goes to theirs or meets them out instead. And DD asks to have friends for sleepovers but there isn't enough room for someone else to sleep in her boxroom. DD is endlessly asking why we can't get an extension on our kitchen like all her friends houses.
And now DS has been invited to a birthday party at someone's house. I checked their address out on Rightmove. And guess what. It's yet another massive 4 bed detached house with a football pitch sized garden. It is only natural that DS 15 is going to compare it to where we live.
I don't know what I'm asking from this post. But I'm angry and tired and disillusioned and poor. I think I need advice about how to deal with feeling embarrassed towards my own DC for not being able to provide a family home that's big enough for a family to be able to actually function in. I feel like sitting them down and apologising. But there's no hope of doing anything to give us more space.
I have looked at this friends house with the birthday party invite and now I feel like a failure. Just like I feel everytime my DC get invited to all their friends massive houses. I want to be able to provide a big house for my DC but I can't. We are literally the only family in this village living in such a tiny house.

PIP is not means tested. Please apply asap. And consider whether you really want your marriage long term? Your house would feel a lot bigger without the useless man in it.

OP

you need to be clear with your kids that you have less money than otherwise as you can’t work outside school hours due to them needing you in the house.

That way they won’t think there’s some magical money tree that you’re withholding from them.

You have a DH problem. Instead of festivals and lads holidays he should be putting more money in so you have a bigger home. And if he can’t cope with your DC what about cleaning and meal prepping on his lovely 3 day weekend? I bet he doesn’t do stuff like that either.

Yes to this! No harm in researching it and finding out what you would get OP!

All your further information could have been useful in your opening post…. Doesn’t sound like he brings anything positive to your and your children’s lives. Do you actually want to even be with him? Sounds like you’d be better off on your own with the kids.

and hes a paramedic?! Wtf. Sorry op but hes obviously incompetent at being a parent. I would look to seperate.

I’m sorry but I don’t actually think it’s the small house. I live in a tiny 2 up 2 down. My living room is 4mx4m and my front door opens right onto the front room from a main road. Then the stairs, then the back room which is also 4x4 . Then my kitchen is 5ft wide by 8ft long. Can’t even fit a a fridge or freezer in. Barely any cupboard space and I can literally touch the walls side to side. We have a 4x4 bedroom and the other bed room is tiny as half the space is taken over by the bathroom that’s been wedged in.

Despite that blatant lack of space, 3 neuro diverse adults live here (63,46,18) plus we have my 2 eldest grand kids and my dd has her boy friend sleeping over regularly. We also have a ginormous Rottweiler and two smaller dogs plus two cats. And I’m a bit of a craft hoarder! We get by FINE in this house and I’m not even salty about my tiny postage stamp sized yard . I moved here from a 5 bedroom 3 story house with 22 windows and doors. It was great for raising 4 neuro divergent kids but then they started to move out and get on with their lives and downsizing is the best thing I’ve ever done. My bills dropped by 65% and I’m saving a fortune.

you are very lucky that you own a house in a pricey area. Your children are housed and you have decent careers. I feel for you though as your DH has clearly logged out due to his alcoholism. That must be very tough for you.

She can't apply for pip its 16 and over. Its dla she needs.

Op

You should start with your children and their anxiety

Try to claim Child disability payment

Also sit your children down and be honest with them - in order to move you need to work more hours and to do that you won’t be around after school

In some ways if you don’t make this change then what are you doing to help
Prepare them for the future?

Anxiety doesn’t have to be permanent- the way you are writing is that the children will leave school and be home 24/7 I mean then what will you all do?

You have ruled out moving to a less expensive house with more space it seems

BTW there are many WFH jobs where you can use your nursing degree

online Assessors for benefits earn about 40k or occupational health assessors earn similar

You need to start thinking outside the confines of your current set up

Change starts with you but you need to change your rigid mentality

But you live in a beautiful area. You chose location over size, and this is the consequence. Maybe location, location isn’t the best mantra to follow? Enjoy being in a beautiful place, not everyone has this.

@Miseramble you've been there for your children. You seem to be overlooking this. Many people have amazing houses they are hardly in because they work so many hours to afford them.

I think in big houses people can live very separate lives which probably feels great as a teenager but it's not necessarily a good thing. Many of the closest families i know are from overcrowded houses.

On a practical level, is there anything you can do to help you love it a bit more?

A good decanter? Can you get big plastic storage boxes for the loft and pack up summer clothes, jackets, shoes? Rotate them as required.

I'm quite grateful for only having two small outside walls when I hear how much others pay for heating, council tax, to have it repointed etc.

It's also yours. Imagine you'd not bought it and rented. It may have helped in terms of claiming benefits but would be a nightmare for your children given what you've described if they had to move every few years.

No it's not perfect. Yes it comes with a lot of compromises but the security of having somewhere that is yourz isn't one of them, and that counts for a lot.

(I get DLA for my daughter and it’s really life changing. We were lucky enough to be okay before but it allows me to get her therapy and the specific clothes she can tolerate and do some enrichment things with her. Nothing to do with your income, it’s just about the additional needs of your kids. Make sure to get advice on the form though, it’s really long and pretty overwhelming)

Get rid of your useless dead weight Husband, that would free up some living space.

Your DH should do the masters if its not too late.
you could look for WFH jobs - pip assessors are in demand and you need nhs background for that and that could help with the school refusing dc.
Could you move to a less expensive area where bigger houses are cheaper?
Submit your own PIP applications for your children if they have SEN and increase your income that way.

Stop comparing.
We have just spent 18 months living in a similar house. 4 of us in a 2 bed teeny house. It was nightmarish. Everyone just got so annoyed living on top of each other. Kids couldn't have friends round. It was a rental so we couldn't actually do anything to make it better.
Ideas - high up shelving storage to maximise floor space. Get rid of garden completely and put a shed in (garden office) so they have some space cheaply. Get an allotment instead of the garden if you love a garden. (They have sheds on too - space for you). Fold up beds with study space in.
Also be honest with their friends parents - a tiny house is hard and most parents will not care if your child always goes to theirs. They will be pleased their house is a safe space.
No one is going to judge (and if they do then they arnt the sort you want).
We now live in a medium 4 bed detached like you describe. To one child's friends it is enormous and expensive, the other child is at a different school and to their friends it's small and cluttered.
It doesn't matter what other people think. You have managed to provide a safe loving home . You are amazing.

I just want to say I sympathise and particularly with the grinding reality of both being public sector after more than 15 years of pay freezes/below inflation pay rises.

But on the plus side it sounds like your house may be small but it's in a nice place .

A few thoughts. I agree that the best option is trying to move just a little bit further from where you are now. Your house would likely sell for a strong price if it’s in an affluent area and that could get you life changing square footage. Just a 5-15 minute drive from where you are could have huge impact on your home life.

Also, agree that comparison is the thief of joy. This is not meant to sound like a brag but I just want to show the grass isn’t always greener. We live on a very very nice street in a city. We have so many great perks. 5 bed house, paid £850,000 last year. BUT it’s terraced with no proper garden (though a pretty little front garden). I have so many insecurities about it! We’ve had much cheaper houses with sprawling gardens and now we’re the ‘terraced no garden’ people. Our house is 200 years old and on lots of levels, no open plan grand entertaining area. So I feel a bit embarrassed when going to our friends’ houses (worth hundreds of thousands of £s less than ours) and they have a gorgeous new open plan extension. People who walk by my house and see the outside grandeur would never imagine I get house envy at more affordable houses. No house is perfect and we’re designed to find the flaws. We all would benefit from stopping the comparisons - or at least appreciating how vastly fortunate we are compared so many others in the world. I know it’s hard!

I’m amazed that no one has told you to apply for DLA for the children seeing as their needs seem so high. Are they in mainstream school or special school? You could be looking at a minimum of £30 per week per child up to £194 per week per child (albeit their needs would have to be very severe to be awarded this amount). You could also look at applying for a Blue Badge if relevant.

You must look into dla and UC. If you get dla the thresholds and criteria for UC are different - many people work and still claim UC and get additional disability payments under UC when they have dla / PIP in the mix. Potentially you’ve sadly missed out on years and years of additional income.

A lot of people crave more down time rather than being tied into a big mortgage, working all the hours.

You have given your children a home in a nice area and there are a lot of advantages with that. If you move to a bigger house in a different area you would potentially be moving them away from their friends which I'm guessing would bother them a lot more.

There’s some great advice upthread. Hope you and your DH can find a way to get a better balance.

1. you need to be claiming DLA, it’s ludicrous you’re not, my son doesn’t sound as challenging as your situation and we get £438 in DLA a month (although I am expecting to lose the mobility rate soon, still even just the lower care rate is £120 a month).

2. how wedded to your area are you? I know “move” is really, really frustrating advice, it’s not easy and it’s not cheap, it’s not a quick fix. However, if you’re NHS and the kids are on the brink of school refusal, it does just make me wonder if you just need to restart in an area you have more of a fighting chance in.

If you’re just looking to offload than get advice you have my sympathy, that all sounds really challenging, I remember how much I focussed on our small house when times were tough. We did the move.

Will your kids ever be able to live independently in their own place?

If it makes you feel better, I live in a tiny terraced house (78sq m) which is falling apart in a shit area. 2 growing kids. Might just have to give up after reading your post 😅

How weird you don’t claim DLA and no one at school or anywhere seems to have mentioned this to you at any point over the years

You are really losing out not claiming DLA for the children. It's not means tested and you would most likely get it. Seriously, make this a priority